“Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” (Laurence J. Peter)
Dear Anger,
I can’t control you on
my good days. You are a parasite inside my body that eats at my skin, my bones,
and my muscles until it eventually becomes who I am right now. You can be unreal
and painful at the same time. I don’t know why you chose me to destroy but you
did, and it hurts. It hurts more than the being punched in the stomach, or the
ridicule I get for allowing you to be in my life.
Self-destruction is
uncontrollable in my current condition. I can’t control you when I want to,
nobody can, and your magnitude is overwhelming. Your power knocks me off my
feet whenever it decides to. It’s always a surprise. I can’t feel you coming on.
You just show up, like a bad memory, which you unexpectedly create.
You leave the faces
of my loved ones in pain and confusion. You aren’t me, but only I know that. I
will always understand that, but people start to think you are me. Those horrible
outbursts over minuscule things start to make people take a second look at who
I am, or who I’m becoming.
There’s no explaining
the feeling you create inside my body, as I shake with fury as I lash out at
those I love most. Then there’s the embarrassment of what I did, how I acted, and
who I hurt because you are not who I want the world to see.
You are the disease
that nobody considers because you’re controllable even when you aren’t. Whoever
doesn’t have you living inside them will never understand the havoc you wreak
in my body.
They don’t know I
suppress you every chance I get because I have more calm days than annoying
ones. On my calm days, my mind can overpower you and your urges. You are always
living inside me as unkindness, harshness, unhappiness.
You are who I try so
hard to hide from the world. You are who they talk about in texts and e-mails
with other people. This is the me that couldn’t be saved no matter how hard
anyone tried because your hate is stronger than my love.
The Real Me
“It is wise to
direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on
answers -- not excuses.” (William Arthur Ward)[i]
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