“Until you have felt your own pain, you cannot feel the pain of others.” (Gary Zukav)
Dear Pain,
Unfortunately, I know you well. I’ve watched you come and go throughout
my life, sometimes disguised as pleasure, and I have to say that it is never
easy or comfortable when you come to visit me. Most of the time, you appear
without warning, out of nowhere, and end up making me feel scared, angry,
disappointed, upset, and hurt. Your timing is incredible because it’s always
inconvenient with my plans, forcing me to stop what I’m doing as I take another
detour.
These stops and detours have served a purpose while you were here. All
because of you, I found ways to handle, heal, and let go of you. There is no
strength if there is no struggle. If there’s to be any goodness to be found as
a result of you, this is it. You’ve given my emotional muscles a real workout.
You turned up the volume of the unworthy voices in my head, and I
believed them. You knocked me down, but I fought to live. You were my best
teacher and worst nightmare all rolled into one. I’ll never forget the lessons
learned in the classroom outside the classroom. You tried to make me fail, but
after a while, I passed the tests and received the blessing of insight. Looking
back, I see what I needed to learn and why. So many rich meanings and spiritual
awakenings occurred.
I can’t carry you around on my back anymore. You are too heavy and dark
for me. Not only do I need light, but I also need to feel light. I finally
realize you are a reverse role model of what I shouldn’t do. Thanks to you,
I found new hobbies, interests, friends, work, perspectives on life, and awareness.
Everything got better. I even taught others to handle you, because
unfortunately, they have seen you too. Now I have more compassion, empathy, strength,
and understanding for others dealing with loss and suffering.
Thanks again to you, I discovered the power of music, reading, writing,
practicing mindfulness, living in the moment, accepting truths, and
forgiveness. Happiness doesn’t come to me, it comes from me. It is a
choice and how I perceive life experiences. You taught me the hard way to put
the relationship with myself first so I don’t put myself second to others. You
showed me deal breakers, pitfalls, narcissism, and toxicity, and you wove red
flags in my face.
Now I ask more questions, and I’m careful with whom I trust. You’ve sent
me difficult and selfish people, heartbreak, loss, tragic events, unfortunate
circumstances to handle, which taught me many things about myself and life.
Because I’ve been cheated and deceived, I’ve become more vigilant and
discerning. Respect is a two-way street, and I accept nothing less. You
certainly tested my patience and my ability to control my emotions. Now I can
see one of the reasons why you showed up was to protect me from other forms of you.
At the moment, I am practicing gratitude on a daily basis. My heart
feels lighter, and more peaceful. I’m finished hiding behind you. I found the
courage to stand up and live my best life and imperfections. What I’ve learned
is this: If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on
the lessons, you will continue to grow.
I got to know you well. All because of you, I grew, learned, discovered,
and even avoided you. Now I am someone who feels free, empowered, and happy
with me. I am now a person who never gives up. I can walk away from you, but
with a grateful heart for all the life lessons. The next time you do arrive, I
aim to be more prepared.
I never thought I would say this, but thank you for showing up in my
life and for everything you’ve taught and brought me. I’m exactly where I need
to be in my life with my friends, family, love, and myself. No experience goes
wasted. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be me, right here, right now.
Finally,
A Better Me
“You never know
how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” (Bob Marley)[i]
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