A healthy relationship requires the space to be yourself, and to maintain your personal integrity. Most people will respect your boundaries when you explain what they are, and will expect that you will do the same for them. People who don’t understand where you end and they begin are not individuals who are thinking about how pushing the limits of your boundaries will affect you.
These people feel
entitled to get whatever they ask for, or whatever they think they need because
their desires are more important than yours. Setting boundaries without also
setting your own consequences is not productive for your life. As soon as
people realize that you don’t follow through with what you say, they will
continue to take advantage of you.
Some people have a great deal of difficulty with trust as
a result of instability, inconsistency, invasion of boundaries, and even actual
threat of harm at some point in their lives. These individuals may be more
vulnerable to boundary violations. Boundaries
are essential to healthy relationships and a healthy life. For many of us, boundary-building is a relatively new concept
and a challenging one. Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support.
Remember that it’s a skill you can master. Here is
insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them.
1.
Be
assertive-We
know that it’s not enough to create boundaries. We actually have to follow through.
Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still
expect others to know what hurts us. Since they don’t, it’s important to
assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.
In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome
to you, and that you can work together to address it.
2.
Be
direct-With some people, maintaining
healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually,
this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views,
personalities and general approach to life. With others, such as those who have
a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct
about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels that
challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating, but to
another person this feels disrespectful and tense. There are other times you
might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become
a boundary issue. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to
maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.
3.
Consider
your past and present-How
you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional
obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of
caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained
emotionally or physically. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm
for you. Think about the people you surround yourself with. Are the
relationships mutual? Is there a healthy give and take? Beyond relationships,
your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is
eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, there’s an
implicit expectation to go above and beyond at work. It can be challenging
being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries. Tune
into your feelings and needs and honor them becomes critical.
4.
Give
yourself permission-Fear,
guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other
person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by
speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be
able to cope with a situation even though they “feel drained or taken advantage
of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.
Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of
self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to
preserve them.
5.
Make
self-care a priority-Self-care gives you permission to put yourself first. When we do
this, our need and motivation to set boundaries becomes stronger. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and
honoring them. These feelings serve as important clues about our wellbeing and
about what makes us happy and unhappy. Putting yourself first also gives you
the energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others
and be there for them. When we’re in a better place, we can be a better person.
6.
Name
your limits-You
can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your
physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can
tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings help us identify
what our limits are.
7.
Practice
self-awareness-Boundaries
are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice
yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, ask yourself: What’s
changed? Consider “What I am doing or what is the other person doing?” or “What
is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull
over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have
control over?”
8.
Seek
support- If
you’re having a hard time with boundaries, seek some support whether that’s a
support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends. With friends or
family, you can even make it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries
together and holding each other accountable. Consider seeking support through
resources, too. The following books may help: The Art of Extreme Self-Care:
Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by
Cheryl Richardson and the Boundaries
book series).
9.
Start
small-Like any new skill, assertively
communicating your boundaries takes practice. Start with a small boundary that
isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging
boundaries. Build upon your success, and at first try not to take on something
that feels overwhelming.
10.
Tune
into your feelings-There
are two key feelings in others that are cues that we’re letting go of our
boundaries: discomfort and resentment. Think of these feelings on a continuum
from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone. If you’re at the higher end of
this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, ask yourself, what is
causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation
that is bothering me? Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or
not appreciated. It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond
our own limits because we feel guilty, or someone else is imposing their
expectations, views or values on us. When someone acts in a way that makes you
feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue that they may be violating or crossing a
boundary.
“Much of the time, the things we
feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or
in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person
gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.” (Melody Beattie)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries” By Margarita
Tartakovsky
·
“Boundaries with Others” by Abigail Brenner
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