Almost
thirty years ago I considered sending greeting card ideas to Oatmeal Studio
(still in business) to see if they would accept them. Not sure if my engine ran
out of steam, or chugged to victory. Some people appreciate my unique sense of
humor while others find it distasteful. You be the judge.
Here
are my holiday and occasion greeting card ideas. (This is what I wish could be
said.) Most are humorous, and a few are serious. Wording before the … is the
outside of the card. After the … is the inside of the card. Enjoy my warped
sense of creativity. I have edited for readability.
1. I’m an open book…to page two. Have a Happy New Year.
2. May the luck of the Irish be with you…and your recipe
for potato soup turn out right this time? Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
3. The Easter Bunny brings sweets and goodies to
well-mannered children…and dental bills to all their parents. Happy Easter.
4. Mother, your love is one of a kind…I wonder if I could
bottle you and make some money because I’m broke. Happy Mother’s Day.
5. It isn’t so peculiar to see witches and goblins on one
day of the year…I work with a few the whole year. Happy Halloween.
6. If you were a pilgrim woman on that first
Thanksgiving…would you be thankful to serve stuffing and turkey to a group of
wild Indians and grouchy men. Happy Thanksgiving.
7. The Lamb of God…was not born in a five star hotel. The
stable was for you. May His story fill you with joy this holiday season.
8. Hark, the hair-lipped angels sing, “Gwory to the
newborn King.” May your Christmas be light-hearted and fun, but filled with
Jesus.
9. Don’t you just love Christmas…”the most wonderful time
of year” encourages loving yourself into debt with the credit cards. Melt that
plastic from extreme use. Enjoy this holiday season.
10.
The key to
success…is remembering where your office key is. (Clean underwear can’t hurt
either.) Good luck in your climb up the corporate ladder.
11.
Now that I’ve got
my college degree…what should I do with it? Good luck on your career search.
12.
Congratulations
on your retirement…Remember, most old fruit won’t spoil for a while. Good luck
on enjoying those golden years.
13.
I miss you…but a
nice big check might refresh my memory. Write or call soon.
14.
Thank you for the
thoughtful gift you gave me…because I’m worth every penny you spent.
15.
My reminders to
encourage “no sex” on your prom night…Dirty diapers, baby vomit, 3am feedings,
cutting teeth. Enjoy your special time safely and responsibly.
16.
Don’t worry
you’ll get better soon…if not I’ll take advantage of that nearby tombstone
sale.
17.
New babies are a
gift from God…but the faulty plumbing at both ends is your duty.
Congratulations, on the new arrival.
18.
I am thrilled to
hear about the new baby coming soon…Remember, no pain no gain! Congratulations,
on your new soon-to-be arrival.
19.
If you’ve got
your health…package and start a spa as you eat those fruits and veges. Have a
healthy and Happy Birthday.
20.
Money reminds me
a lot of water…because both run quickly through my fingers. If you save those
pennies, one day you’ll be a millionaire. Happy birthday.
21.
Honk if you love
Jesus…but if you get to close to my bumper I’ll run you over. Happy Birthday.
22.
Sorry I forgot
your birthday…but mind is running on a battery that needs recharged. Happy
belated Birthday.
23.
Sister, if I had
a million bucks to give you on your birthday…I’d keep it. Happy birthday.
24.
Brother, may your
birthday be a great time for you…and “no” I will not lend you $20 worth of
birthday cheer. Happy Birthday anyways.
25.
Don’t worry;
you’ll get over this terrible tragedy…your 30th birthday only comes
once in a lifetime. Happy 30th Birthday.
26.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here to pay last respects to…the gray-haired person that just
turned 40. Happy 40th Birthday.
27.
You’re not
getting any older…Wrinkled is in this year. Happy 50th Birthday.
28.
Don’t think of
that salt and pepper as a sign of aging. You’ve earned everyone of them. Isn’t
that great consolation to looking like a shrunken apple doll? Happy Big 6-0.
29.
Enjoy the wedding
and honeymoon night…because what you’ll look like in the morning is a different
story. Congratulations.
30.
The love in your
marriage inspires me…the overdue bills on the coffee table make me want to run.
Happy Anniversary.
31.
So he finally
proposed, and gave you a diamond ring…I saw the same thing in the gumball
machine at the local roller skating rink. Better check it out. Congratulations
on your engagement.
32.
Congratulations…what
am I supposed to be telling you “well done” for again. I hope your new job is
everything you want it to be.
33.
Father, taught me
many important skills in my life…like how to mentally turn someone off that’s
getting on my last nerve.
34.
My love for you
reminds me of both an angel and a queen…a fallen angel and a dethroned queen.
Things can get rather rough at times, but I’m in it for the long haul. Happy
Valentine’s Day.
35.
Crime doesn’t pay…but
it sure keeps law enforcement busy. Be safe and smart this Halloween.
No comments:
Post a Comment