A Companion

“It is not good for the man to be alone, so I will create a companion for him, a perfectly suited partner.” (Genesis 2:18, VOICE)

 As a married man, I simply hate crushing my delicate male ego by admitting my wife (Bobbi) is right about most of our relationship decisions 99.9% of the time. The missing .1% of that equation that applies to me really isn’t worth talking about. Is it?

When I really listen to her advice on anything, my life tends to go so much smoother. As any honest husband recognizes the value a good wife adds to his existence, all us husbands can relate to King Solomon’s profound wisdom in Proverbs 31:10-11(CEB):

“A competent wife: how does one find her?  Her value is far above pearls. Her husband entrusts his heart to her, and with her he will have all he needs.”

The most recent example of my wife’s intelligence happened on Wednesday, October 11, 2017 (at around 5:30am). As my wife was getting ready for work, I was at the computer working on my next post for ENCOURAGE ME. The electricity flickered several times, and went out (for several hours) leaving our house in total darkness with a wife only half ready for work and three Chihuahuas wondering what was going on.

The next thing I knew Bobbi was bringing out the wax candles and the battery operated ones.  She quickly reminded me how many times I’d wanted to get of the battery operated candles. Now wasn’t I glad I’d listened to her, and kept them for an emergency (just like this).

Husbands, here are reasons why your wife is always right:

1.   She cares for your children: Whether she works outside the home or is a stay-at-home mom, God has given her the special gift of never-wrong maternal instinct in caring for your children (no matter their age). She can make you a better father if you heed her parenting advice.

 

2.   She has (or is willing to have) your offspring: If she is willing to take your genetic soup and carry it for nine months to produce offspring that looks like you, then let her be right (whether you feel she is or not).

 

3.   She is right (if you wish to keep peace): How would you like it if every time you made a decision someone undermined you? A God-loving wife will notice your efforts, and will do everything in her power to do the same for you. A God-fearing woman will come around sooner than later.

 

 

4.   She is subject to you: Men, we forget that we have annoying habits that we inflict on our wives. We are lucky to have wives that love our emotional ugliness.

 

5.   She loves God: Your wife loves God who commands her to honor you. We make it easier for her to do her part if we love God and do our part. She needs tenderness. We must love her as we love ourselves.

 

6.   She loves you: Our wives love us because they put up with our arrogance when they have other options in today's society.

 

7.   She reminds you because she cares: Call it a nagging if you will, but it means Nurturing, Altruistic, Goodness Given In Native Glory. Be quick to do for her as you would want her to do for you.

 

8.   She said yes or I do: She left her family, gave up her identity, and took on your identity for the rest of her life.

 

9.   You are the one who wins: A woman will do everything possible to honor you if they know they have your support. She will follow you through any trial because she knows you value her opinion in her life with you. In the end, you will be happy because she is happy. No matter what the problem is you will face it together in support of each other.

 

10.       You love her: Why else did you chase her down and vanquish all her suitors so that she only had you to choose from? Protect her feelings. Talk to her and give her the benefit of your heart always. Be her best friend. You chose her above all others. Treat her with all the love that God would want you to treat her.

“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.” (Michael Schmid)[i]

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[i] Adapted from: “Ten Reasons Why Your Wife Is Right” by Rodric Johnson

Dedicated to my loving wife (since 11/13/93), Bobbi Kinker

 

Remain Silent

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” (Abraham Lincoln)

If you ever been called a fool by someone, you know those fighting words imply that you have a lack of good judgment (or sense), and are stupid (or silly). The book of Proverbs (in the Bible) has a lot of practical advice on how to avoid being this kind of person. Are you wise or foolish? Check the criteria below to find out which one you are:[i]

1.      “People sometimes lie to hide their hatred, but saying bad things about someone is even more foolish.” (10:18)

 

2.      “Fools always think their own way is best, but wise people listen to what others tell them. Fools are easily upset, but wise people avoid insulting others.” (12:15-16)

 

 

3.     “Be friends with those who are wise, and you will become wise. Choose fools to be your friends, and you will have trouble.” (13:20)

 

4.      “A quick-tempered person does stupid things, but it is also true that people don’t like anyone who quietly plans evil.” (14:17)

 

 

5.     “Fools refuse to listen to their father’s advice, but those who accept discipline are smart.” (15:5)

 

6.      “Fools don’t want to learn from others. They only want to tell their own ideas… Let people finish speaking before you try to answer them. That way you will not embarrass yourself and look foolish. (18:2, 13)

 

 

7.     “People ruin their lives with the foolish things they do, and then they blame the Lord for it.” (19:3)

 

8.      “People who refuse to argue deserve respect. Any fool can start an argument.” (20:3)

 

 

9.     “Wise people save the nice things they have; fools use up everything as soon as they get it.” (21:20)

 

10.  “People who think they are wise when they are not are worse than fools.” (26:12)

 

11.   “It is foolish to be too confident. Those who ask for advice are wise and will escape disaster.” (28:26)

“Sometimes you gotta play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.”  (Anonymous)[ii]

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[i] All verses are taken from the Easy-to-Read Version (ERV) of the Bible.

 

[ii] Sources used:

·        “Don't Be a Fool” (http://www.jimfeeney.org/dont-be-a-fool.html)

·        “Fool” from Dictionary.com

 

Topic suggested by my wife, Bobbi Kinker.

 

Scared Silly

“Do one thing every day that scares you. Those small things that make us uncomfortable help us build courage to do the work we do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Any time someone steps out of their area of familiarity. Personal growth is the result. Why would anyone want to be anxious by doing something they fear? Pushing through doubts makes us regret less and builds confidence, which makes us feel more confident about ourselves.

 

Take this challenge. Make a list of a few things that scare you. They can be both large and small, but think how you can come out of your comfort zone. Once you have the list created; choose a week that you can start to do the items on your list.

 

You can choose to do one every day or one a month. It’s whatever you wish. What’s important is that you are setting an intention to achieve what you fear and following through. By doing this, you will feel empowered, more confident, increase your capacity to take risks, and you open yourself to new opportunities. Here are some lessons to learn:

 

1.   Change your attitude about fear: Think back to the last time you did something really scary.  Did it seem that scary after it was over? That situation goes for all fear. It goes away once you’ve actually done it.  It just drifts away because the reality isn’t as scary as the fantasy happening inside your head.

Whatever you’re thinking about doing will be exactly the same.  You’ll feel scared before doing it, but feel better once it’s over.  If you don’t do it, that fear will always be with you.  Do it now and let the fear fall away later.

2.   Distance yourself from how crazy you think it is: One mental trick that works well for me is to distance myself from the crazy thing I want to do. That can help prevent you from getting too into the moment and psyching yourself out. Approach it as if you’re another person. 

See yourself as an observer of the situation almost as if you’re watching yourself.  The main idea is to just get outside of your head and dissociate yourself from what’s going on.  By disengaging with the situation, it won’t seem as scary.

3.   Get pumped up to do it: Fear isn’t the only feeling you’ll get when you think about trying something crazy; it can also feel exciting.  Too often the fear overrides those feelings keeping you from actually doing it. Pump yourself up. 

Get so excited that fear is diminished in size.  When you feel that exciting energy surging inside you, you’ll get the motivation to get yourself going, and you’ll think less about the fears you might have.

4.   Minimize thinking once you’ve decided to do it: Fear is an expectation of what might happen in the future if we take a certain course of action.  Because we don’t know what will happen on the scary path, the uncertainty can feed our fears and make us envision all the potential bad things that might happen.  It’s easy to get lost in these thoughts and psych yourself out before you even take the first step.

Train your brain to ignore these thoughts. When you’re mind starts racing, calm it down and get back to reality. Many of the fears you’ll focus on will be nothing but your imagination going wild.  It’s good to be aware of all the potential dangers, but you can’t dwell on them.

5.   Scary things equal growth: Remind yourself that the biggest moments of growth happen when you do something scary. It’s always scariest the moment you move away from your comfort zone, and try something completely different. Sticking to the safe and familiar will assure that you continue to see the same results in your life. 

By moving away from the norm and facing down those fears, you’ll get places you’ve never been before.  To get somewhere you’ve never been; you have to do things you’ve never done.

6.   Start small, aim big: Let’s say that you want to skydive. It might be too scary an idea to immediately hop on a plane, go to 16,000 feet and parachute out. You might be jumping the gun a little. That’s why skydiving places have a period of preparation and training involved before you even step into a plane. 

They know it’s important to build up to that big moment. It’s okay to start off with small, steady steps to reach one big scary goal. By taking it in small, more manageable chunks, you’ll find it’s easier to keep pushing yourself to the end.  All that matters is that you’re moving forward to something that you ultimately want to do.

“Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.” (Anonymous)[i]

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[i] Sources used:

·        “6 Tips to Do Crazy Things that Scare You” by Steve Bloom

·        “Do What Scares You” (http://www.virtuesforlife.com/do-what-scares-you/)

 

Come Close

“Come close to the one true God, and He will draw close to you. Wash your hands. You have dirtied them in sin. Cleanse your heart. Because your mind is split down the middle; your love for God [is] on one side and selfish pursuits on the other. “(James 4:8, VOICE)

When suffering enters your life, is it a family member or close friend you turn to first for comfort and advice? The first thing many people to is fall on their knees to pray to Jesus, the source of all power.

The hymn by Elisha Albright Hoffman (E.A.), “I Must Tell Jesus,” first appeared in the Pentecostal Hymns hymnal in 1894. Do these lyrics reflect your belief on life?

Verse One

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own.

Chorus [i]

I must tell Jesus.
I must tell Jesus.
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus.
I must tell Jesus.
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

Verse Two

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Verse Three

Tempted and tried, I need a great Savior,
One who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus;
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

Verse Four

O how the world to evil allures me.
O how my heart is tempted to sin.
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the vict'ry to win.

E.A. was born on May 7, 1839 in Orwigsburg, PA, and died at the age of ninety on November 25, 1929 in Chicago, IL. He served for forty-two years as a pastor in churches in OH, MI, and IL, and wrote over two thousand hymns during his lifetime.

His father was also a minister, and his parents were musical.  He served in the Union Army during the Civil War. His two wives were Susan and Emma with a total four children.   [ii]

During his ministry in Lebanon, PA as a pastor, E.A. had a visitation with a female parishioner that was greatly suffering in the hills near Lebanon. As a result of that appointment, the above hymn came to birth. Here are E. A.’s own words of that time:

“There was a wo­man to whom God had per­mit­ted ma­ny vi­sit­a­tions of sor­row and af­flict­ion. Com­ing to her home one day, I found her much dis­cour­aged.

She un­bur­dened her heart, con­cluding with the quest­ion, “Bro­ther Hoff­man, what shall I do?”

I quot­ed from the word, and then add­ed, “You can­not do bet­ter than to take all of your sor­rows to Je­sus. You must tell Jesus.”

For a mo­ment she seemed lost in med­i­ta­tion. Then her eyes light­ed as she ex­claimed, “Yes, I must tell Je­sus.” As I left her home I had a vi­sion of that joy-il­lum­in­at­ed face…and I heard all along my path­way the echo, “I must tell Je­sus. I must tell Je­sus.”

You may be leaning on godly people (or even yourself). That can be dangerous because they will disappoint you because they’re imperfect human beings. There’s no guarantee that who’ll you’ll need to lean on the most will be around for in your time of need. Who will always be there to share your problems with? You must tell Jesus first.

Depend (and lean) completely on Jesus. When you lean on something, you expect it to hold you up. He will do that for you in the worst of times. When you think you can’t do something on your own power, Jesus will give you His ability to do what He’s called you to do. Fear vanishes when Jesus is near, and He’s always promised to always be with you.[iii]

“Don't tell God you have a big problem; tell your problem you have a big God.” (makemestfu.tumbir)

E.A. Hoffman

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[i] The chorus is sung at the conclusion of each verse.

 

[ii] E.A. had three children with Susan, who eventually died before remarrying with Emma.

 

[iii] Sources used:

·        Be Undefeatable: Lean on the Lord” by Rick Warren

·        “Behind the Hymn: I Must Tell Jesus” by Diana Leagh Matthews

·        “E. A. Hoffman” (https://hymnary.org/person/Hoffman_Elisha)

·        “Elisha Albright Hoffman 1839-1929” (http://www.hymntime.com/tch/bio/h/o/f/hoffman_ea.htm)

·        “I Must Tell Jesus” (http://hishymnhistory.blogspot.com/2012/11/i-must-tell-jesus.html)

·        “Lindsay Terry: Story Behind the Song: 'I Must Tell Jesus'”

 

From Have to Had

“Appreciate what you have before it turns into something you had.” (Jackie Chan)

Have you ever lost someone in your life that was of great value to you? Once they were gone, you wondered how you were going to live without them. Taking things in your life for granted is something people do regularly, but does that make it right? Here are five ways to not ignore what’s most important to you.

1.   Be thankful: I can't describe how many people just don't care about what they have. People are thankful when they need to be (like at Thanksgiving). How incredibly sad is that? We can't give thanks to the people around us. Random acts of kindness go a long way to generosity. Overall, be thankful. Just say thank you, and you'll be glad you did.

 

2.      Be yourself: Don't let others tell you that you can't be yourself. Don't take yourself for granted either. Don't spend every day wishing you were someone else. At the end of the day, you're not going to be thinking about what you weren't in this lifetime.

 

You'll be thinking of all your accomplishments, and the people you will love and miss. You'll be thinking about that one time you wanted to conquer your fear and a friend or family member helped you. Overall, you will remember the laughs you shared as an individual, and that's what's important.

3.   Forgive: Why don’t we take forgiveness seriously? Its ridiculous how many fights best friends have about something that’s laughable. We often shoot our friendships down. Don't ruin a friendship so easily because you didn't have the guts to say something.

 

4.   Live in the present: Please don't live in the past. Where does that get you? Dwelling on something that has happened before is a constant negative quality. Something will happen at school, or work, and it will bring you back to something that happened years ago and now you can't forget it right?

 

We've all been there. Instead of dwelling in the past; make time to live in the present. If you're upset with something you've done before, change it. Make a better you, and live in the now.

5.   Make memories: Are you taking memories for granted? I'm talking about family memories. If you're meeting up with your grandparents, and your grandfather wants to take you out to lunch, you should go. They love you, and they won't be around forever to say that. Make memories with those who love you because some people don’t have the joy of experiencing that love.

You should never ignore your parents when they want to spend time with you. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Make the most of the time you have with the people who love you, and never take it for granted.

 “People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Truth is you knew what you had you just never thought you'd lose it.” (heartfeltquotes.blogspot.com)[i]

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[i] Adapted from: “5 Ways to Stop Taking Things In Your Life For Granted” by Sadie Maddix

 

 

Three Times

“That annoying moment when you start the same sentence at least three times, but someone keeps interrupting you.” (Anonymous)

Whether you like it or not, communication interruptions in adult conversation are often commonplace in today’s fast-paced society. Group talking today often involves jumping in verbally between lulls in a conversation. 

It is true that with constant interruptions by others in conversation, effective communication can almost be impossible. Interrupting someone can mean proper listening is not happening.

By offering one’s opinions before another person has articulated theirs, you risk mentally shutting down from the conversation and ignoring valuable new insights. Are you familiar with this tendency in yourself? Use the following communication skills to stop interrupting.

1.   Focus on keeping your mouth shut: And this means, physically focus on keeping your lips together. You can do this as easy as you can focus on any aspect of your body. Try it now: pay close attention to the pressure of your seat on your bottom. See how easy it is? Often, we simply open our mouth while someone is talking because we’ve lost control over it, and control often stems from focus.

 

2.   If you find yourself interrupting, correct yourself: Invite who you’re listening to continue speaking. Saying something like, “Oh, sorry, please go on…” This will serve to apologize for the interruption and will encourage more open conversation from the other person. For habitual interrupters, it can be hard work to write something down to remember later. Like any new habit, it’s worth it though.

 

3.   Practice not interrupting: This means listening to someone and waiting three seconds (try saying “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi”) to yourself and that is about the amount of time you need to pause before talking. One thing I’ve found useful is to ask “was there anything else you wanted to say about that?” before proceeding with my point of view.

     Doing this often results in a “no” from the other person. This means that I can be sure that I’ve heard everything they want to say for the moment .They’ll be ready to listen to me in the same way I’ve been listening to them.

 

4.   Write down what you want to say: Often, we interrupt because we don’t want to forget what comes to our minds while someone else is speaking. As if to remind ourselves and to say it; we blurt out what we’re thinking instead of writing it down. If you don’t have paper at hand, type it in the notepad section of your cell phone, and come back to your thoughts later.

 “The major problem of life is learning how to handle the costly interruptions: the door that slams shut; the plan that got sidetracked; the marriage that failed; or that lovely poem that didn't get written because someone knocked on the door.”  (Martin Luther King Jr.)[i]

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[i] Adapted from: “How to Win Anyone Over with Rockstar Communication Skills: 4 Tips to Stop Interrupting” by LiveseySolar

Inspired by my daughter, Allena Kinker

 

Living In

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” (Lao Tzu)

As a child, I was simply fascinated with the possibility of time travel. As an adult, if I was to time travel it would be into the future for one reason, and not for the same reason Neal Asher would.

 “If I could time travel into the future, my first port of call would be the point where medical technology is at its best because (like most people on this planet) I have this aversion to dying.”

My reason centers on I’ve gotten used to having household appliances as well as central air conditioning. (I hate to be hot inside of any house.)

Did you know that there is a name for mental time travel? It’s known as chronesthesia, which is the brain’s ability to think about the past, present, and future.  Did you know in your mind that we all time travel on a regular basis?

You travel backwards in time when you…

1.     Listen to old songs you used to love.

2.     Visit memorable places.

3.     Read old journals (physical or online blogs).

4.     Smell various aromas.  

5.     Visit or call your family

6.     Reflect, and give thanks. 

You travel forward in time when you…

1.     Visualize the future. 

2.     Write down your goals. 

3.     Just relax, and enjoy the present. 

4.     Take action on your life.

When I am confronted with tough decisions, I imagine meeting myself from the future.  The future me says this:

“You have an opportunity to change everything today. Your whole life hinges on today‘s actions. You have two choices to make. You can choose to act, or continue to wait.

One path leads to greatness. The other path leads to a life where you will look back on a day when you could have spoken up, or reached out. This moment is of great value. Don’t waste it.”

“We are all time travelers in a sense. We enter a new timeline with every choice we make or refuse to make. We alter time with every movement, thought, and emotion. They are all ripples in the cosmic sea of energy.” (Expanded Consciousness)[i]

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[i] Sources used:

·                “Chronesthesia – Research Shows Evidence of Mental Time Travel” by Guest Contributor

·                “Time Travel 101 – Techniques for Reliving the Past and Seeing the Future” by Sid Savara