“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” (Peter F. Drucker)
Most of the time, Bobbi and I communicate
well together as a married couple. Of course, there are those times when our
gender gets in the way, and as husband and wife we do not have a clear idea of
what the other person is trying to say to each other.
This is when us loudly being passionate about
our viewpoint (fighting) happens. I know we both wonder why I don’t understand
the female logic of Bobbi, and she doesn’t get my male logic. The important
thing is that we are both trying to communicate the best we can in our marital
journey even with our gender handicaps. Here are eight differences in the way men
and women communicate together:
Apologizing: For women,
apologizing is a way of forming and maintaining connections with people. It
shows respect and humility. Many women understand that saying “sorry” can solve
a lot of issues. Men often find apologizing harder than women, as it feels as
though they are giving in.
They worry that they
will be seen as weak for accepting blame, and may feel as though their power or
authority will be compromised by apologizing. When women are apologized to, it
can almost feel like a bond. There is a level of mutual respect with the person
they’re talking to, and they feel as though they have been listened to. Feeling
as though their opinions are valued and taken into account is very important to
women, which is why apologies can mean so much to them.
Men, on the other
hand, see being apologized to as the other person’s way of accepting the
hierarchy, and men can often feel as though this reinforces their position of
power.
Body language: Men can be seen to
keep themselves very much to themselves. While having a conversation, many men
come across as serious and practical. They will speak and listen, but there
isn’t much else going on. Much of men’s communication is verbal, involving
vocabulary and inflection.
Women have another
layer to their communication: non-verbal. Women tend to use gestures as visual
aids while talking and use their facial expressions much more. Nodding their
heads when listening, is something that women typically do more than men. Using
open body language and engaging their audience by “talking with their hands” is
another thing that more women than men tend to incorporate into a conversation.
Compliments: Men don’t tend to
give out compliments as much as women do. If they do, they are normally aimed
at a potential partner rather than a friend or colleague. Women are much more
likely than men to give out compliments.
For them, it is way a
forming a bond and showing respect. It is also a way of showing that they are
on the same level as the person they are speaking to. By complimenting someone,
women show that they are not a threat and that they can be trusted. This links
in with a woman’s need or desire to form connections and find commonalities.
Feelings vs factual: Men like to get to
the matter at hand early on. Conversation tends to serve a purpose. It is
simply a way to get the information needed. The conversations men have are
often very fact-based, and may revolve around sports results, work, and
finance. Conversations may end rather suddenly as men often avoid small talk
and ‘unnecessary’ questions.
Women prefer to dig
deep in conversations, and often try to explore the feelings of the person
they’re talking with. This is attributed to the fact that women are believed to
be more compassionate and empathetic. Female friends prefer to talk about
emotions and complex situations as opposed to numerical or factual issues.
Women tend to be happier extending conversations than men do.
Friend or foe: Men can see other
people as a threat in ways that women often do not. This tends to lead to a friend
or foe situation, where men quickly try to assess a person or situation. This
can come across in a negative, slightly aggressive way at times as men are
trying to filter information efficiently in order to understand the situation
quickly.
Women are much more
likely to go for a friendly approach and build a rapport with whoever they are
talking to. This is what ultimately leads to those longer, detail-filled
conversations. Rather than seeing someone as a threat to their power or
authority, women feel more compelled to find common interests or experiences,
and form bonds from them.
Negotiating: For men,
negotiating is often not an option. It is a sign of weakness and shows that
they are giving in or being submissive to whoever they are talking to. By going
back on what they have said, or agreeing to someone else’s ideas or plans, men
often feel as though they are being emasculated. In terms of time, too, men
prefer to cut to the chase and get things done quickly.
Women, on the other
hand, tend to be happier negotiating. Finding a middle ground doesn’t show
weakness on anyone’s behalf, rather, a mutual respect and desire to get the job
done. This links in to the fact that women are more prone to having longer
conversations, where there is space for discussion and everyone will be heard.
The important thing here for women is that things get done properly, and,
often, more fairly.
Quality or quantity: Men often just want
to get to the point. In terms of conversation, there should be a goal, and once
this is achieved the conversation can end. In the workplace, where men can feel
particularly competitive, there is no need for niceties and useless chat. The
conversation does not need to be long and flowing and can end once they are
satisfied.
Women, on the other
hand, are likely to have longer conversations. These will involve questions about
the other’s personal life such as asking about family members, health, and
weekend plans. Women often feel less competitive, and would rather string out a
conversation and maintain a good bond with the person they’re talking to.
The details: Again, men like to
get to the heart of the issue immediately, and can be satisfied with a ‘yes’ or
‘no’ answer. Women prefer to dive into the details and find out as much as
possible. Women often look for context and background information rather than
simply responding to a situation in isolation.
This lends itself to
a woman’s naturally-empathetic side. They would rather see a situation in
context and figure out why someone may be behaving the way that they are,
rather than making a snap judgment. When talking, women are generally more
willing to offer up details. This could be about pretty much any aspect of life.
Women are happier sharing information about themselves, their relationships,
and work than men tend to be. This links back to the fact that men want to be
efficient in their conversations and get to the point as quickly as possible.
“All communication is more or less cross-cultural. We learn to use
language as we grow up, and growing up in different parts of the country, having
different ethnic, religious, or class backgrounds. Even just being male or
female, all result in different ways of talking.”(Deborah
Tannen)[i]
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