Change

“Apologies aren’t meant to change the past. They are meant to change the future.” (Kevin Hancock) 

Many people have heard of the five love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch). It is a popular way that is designed to help people understand how they and those around them express and receive love. More of a well-kept secret is the five apology languages. 

The five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The language system was researched and developed by counselor and creator of the love languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D., and psychologist Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., to offer various approaches to apologizing. 

While some people may lean more strongly toward one apology language, it's possible to have multiple ones depending on the situation. Below is an explanation of each apology language, and how to tell if it's your preferred one: 

Expressing regret: The first apology language is the simple act of saying "I'm sorry." While it sounds obvious enough, many people allow pride or guilt to get in the way of this kind of apology. Along with saying the words "I'm sorry," This involves listing the hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse. "It doesn't count if someone is only sorry that they got caught. This may be your apology language if:

• You want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused. 

• You want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions.

• You want to feel validated in your emotions. 

Accepting responsibility: The second apology language occurs when someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did. Along with acknowledging your fault in the situation, name the mistake so it doesn't appear insincere. The person should be able to explain what they did wrong, and why it was wrong.  This may be your apology language if:

• You don't want to hear excuses. 

• You want someone to clearly state what they did wrong; to prove they can learn from the mistake. 

• You want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused.

Making restitution: The third apology language includes finding a way to correct the situation. This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations if a person is deeply betrayed, and the person who did it makes it up to them. This may be your apology language if:

• You want someone to prove they're willing to correct the problem. 

• You find it important that the perpetrator makes things right again whatever that might look like.

• You want someone to take the lead in a situation. 

Genuinely repenting: The fourth apology language requires a change of behavior. With this apology language, saying sorry is not enough. Engage in problem-solving. Don't make excuses. Make a better, specific plan for change There should be a sincere desire to do better. This may be your apology language if: 

• You need proof that someone is growing and working toward change. 

• You need assurance that you won't be let down the next time around. 

• Words aren't enough for you. 

Requesting forgiveness: The fifth apology language allows the other person time to process their hurt before assuming everything is back to normal. “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" places the power back into the hands of the hurt person. While most people won't refuse an apology, it leaves room for the offended to make exceptions (including the need for repentance or restitution). This may be your apology language if:

• You're not quite ready for reconciliation yet. 

• You need more from the apology and want the space to ask for it. 

• You need to know the person apologizing is willing to wait until you're ready.

Here are seven guidelines to apologizing (from a Christian perspective):

• Clearly state your wrong behavior for exactly what it is.

• Take responsibility.

• Apologize for the pain that you’ve inflicted on the offended and express remorse.

• Explain what you’re going to do to correct the wrong behavior so it won’t continue in the future.

• Ask for forgiveness.

• Accept whatever response you receive (even if you are not forgiven).

• Make amends (or restitution) if that is possible.

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” (Louis C.K.) 

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[i] Adapted from:

·       “5 Types of Apology Languages & How to Choose the Right One “by Abby Moore

·       “How Can and Should A Christian Apologize?” by Mark Alan Williams