“Like second-hand smoke, second-hand offenses can choke out the life that God has for you because you embrace someone offense.” (Greg Sanders)
You live in a society where people are easily
offended often. Words are misspoken, texts misread, and people’s actions
sometimes convey a message they never intended. With this much offense active
in the culture, the last thing you need to do is to pick up the offense of
someone that has nothing to do with you, which is called a “secondhand offense.”
Just because you are aware of a problem does not mean that you have to own the
offense.
Just because something happens around you
does not mean that you have to internalize it. Individuals who embrace
second-hand offenses do so as a substitute for dealing with an unaddressed
issue in their own life. The excuse of trying to bring healing to others is a
mask to the real injury and issues inside them. The way to move forward is not
by picking up more pain, but rather by taking your offense to God for healing. Battles
fought out of offense will not bring the victory you desire. Don’t allow the devil
to put an offense on you that you never intended to deal with.
Here are remedies for conquering hypersensitivity
toward others’ behaviors and opinions. Connected together, they should help you
claim the authority to be the final judge of your worth rather than surrender
it to others. And once you do so regardless of whether the other person
intended to offend you (or not), you’ll be able to handle such challenging
situations in a way you won’t regret later.
Ask yourself
whether you may have been the first offender: If you can
become less self-absorbed, you may actually perceive that either the other
individual hadn’t meant to offend you or that their giving you offense may have
been in reaction to you’re having earlier offended them. In general, when you’re
self-consciously fixated on how others might be appraising us, you can easily fail
to pick up on hints about what’s going on with them apart from
ourselves. So check out this possibility. It may actually be you, not the
other, who needs to apologize—and even if you simply misspoke,
without the slightest aggressive motivation.
Before getting (irrationally)
carried away with critical conclusions, ask yourself whether your immediate
reaction is possibly exaggerated: Ask yourself what
you’re really reacting to, why you’re feeling so upset, and whether
you’re making too much of something that’s insignificant. Remember, when you
overreact, it’s a child part of you that’s temporarily taken custody of your
mental and emotional faculties. So start talking back not to the
person who triggered you but, sympathetically, to the hurt, uneasy child within
who’s just been reminded of some emotional pain never fully resolved. You may
need to learn how to reassure that perhaps overly criticized child that you’re
basically okay just as you are—and despite whether you failed at something, you’re
misunderstood, or falsely accused of some misdeed.
If another definitely criticized
you, ask yourself whether their negative assessment can best be seen as
constructive criticism: You
won’t be able to learn how to better yourself, or go beyond certain limitations
or weaknesses, as long as you feel obligated to resist any and all criticism
because it just feels too threatening or shaming. So when faced with
another’s criticism, it’s crucial that you alter your focus and think about
whether their negative feedback can help you grow and further develop your
skills, understanding, or compassion in areas that warrant criticism.
Lower your expectations of
others—and yourself, too: Other
people may not be as empathic, sensitive, or responsive as you’d
prefer. They may be deficient in considerateness or caring. So can you simply
accommodate their shortcomings since, finally, it’s your choice as to whether
you’re going to accept others as they are and not impose on them standards they
can’t, or won’t, abide by? Frankly, most of the frustrations you inflict on
ourselves relate to personal ideals—frequently perfectionistic—that you
ourselves may have difficulty adhering to. If you’re willing to revise your
unrealistic standards downwards, you’ll find yourself getting much less upset
by the perceived indignities, callousness, or heedlessness of others. Almost
guaranteed, that self-change will contribute to your happiness and peace of mind. And all of
this will be far easier to accomplish if you can first be kinder and
unconditionally accepting of yourself.
Suspend judgment about the other
person’s hateful intention: If you have a negative opinion of yourself, you’re
likely to project that onto how others identify you. You’re likely to read into
what others are saying as unfavorable words about you. But you need to realize
that you may unconsciously be jumping to conclusions to confirm your own
self-doubts. Knowing that you’re prone to read others’ intentions
distrustfully, keep your eyes and ears open to determine that they did in fact
mean what you assume they did. As your dialogue with them progresses, you may you’ll
discover that they really meant no offense at all. It may have been all in your
head mind.
Take a deep breath, relax, and
emotionally detach from the felt provocation: Remember, self-centered you may be,
the world doesn’t revolve around you. The person who offended you may not have
had you in mind at all when they said whatever they did. It may merely have
felt that way to you. So be careful not to take their words personally.
Consider whether the antagonistic effect of their utterance might not be coming
from them but from something inside you. Consider, too, that if they’re
intoxicated, in a bad mood, or irritable frame of mind, it’s wise to witness their uncivil conduct at a
distance, rather than let it affect you personally.
Unless the other person has
clearly insulted, discriminated against, or wronged you in the past—or, for
that matter, talked negatively about you to others—give them the benefit of the
doubt: Ascribing
vicious motives to others typically isn’t a winning strategy. Remind yourself
that most people aren’t driven to make others feel bad about them.
Consequently, see whether you can’t moderate your essentially
self-protective cynicism. And, too, reflect that most people
don’t express themselves all that well, so although you may have taken their
words as an affront, their purpose may have been far more considerate than
you’re giving them credit for.
“Not everything that offends us should offend
us, and not everything that offends us is persecution.” (Russell D. Moore)[i]
[i] Adapted from:
· “How Quick Are You to Take Offense?
10 Powerful Remedies” by Leon F. Seltzer
· “Second-Hand
Offenses” by Greg Sanders
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