Sometimes

"Sometimes just a little compliment can make someone’s entire day.’”(Curiano.com)

A compliment is a remark that expresses approval, admiration, or respect. I am a big advocate on the power of giving a compliment when it is needed. I definitely agree with this quote about compliments by American author, Mark Twain: “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  

I am open to complimenting anyone when I notice something positive, but it seems most of my compliments center around the clothing, hair, perfume, and jewelry of women. (I even get into discussions on the meaning of a tattoo someone has.) Females tend to be surprised by a man my age noticing the effort they put into their appearance they are showing to everyone. Like your favorite ice cream, compliments come in nine flavors (or varieties):

Awkward:  This might be given to one person in front of a set of other people who themselves are not being complimented. The other people wonder what’s wrong with them, and the person getting the compliment feels bad that they have been singled out for your admiration.

Speaking of other people being around, if there are three of you in a situation, of who two are in a relationship, be careful. You can’t take a compliment back, but you could make a note to self that on the next occasion you should stay away from handing out your acclaim publicly in front of others who may be hurt by your words of intended kindness.

Envious: Perhaps an acquaintance has something that you both love and want. It could be an item of clothing or jewelry, a hairstyle, or a skill. Your desire to express admiration mixes with your desire to have said thing or personal quality and now you’ve made the recipient feel uncomfortable.

Better to say you like something (as long as you haven’t overstepped boundaries) and, if it’s a thing, maybe indicate that you’ve been looking for something similar and wondered where it came from. Don’t expect a ready answer, though, or even an easy one (“It’s been in the family for years,” or “I just dug it out of the closet”). If what you’re complimenting is a skill, you might phrase the question in terms of a comment about yourself (“I’ve always had trouble with public speaking”) but don’t push the person too hard to find out how to be just like them. You might ask for feedback on a future occasion about how to improve by getting good advice in the process.

Hypocritical: If it’s clear that you and the recipient stand to gain from your compliment, your compliment may seem insincere. The suck-up compliment is one of the oldest tricks in the book among salespeople and those in service industries, and it’s not an unheard-of strategy to use on the families of prospective long-term relationship partners. People are more likely to comply with those who flatter them.

The fact that this didn’t surprise you (I’m assuming) should also make you aware of the need to be upfront about those compliments you can’t resist making to the people who hold the power to make you richer either emotionally or financially. By the same token, if you’re the recipient of the suck-up or sales pitch compliment, recognize what’s happening, and you’ll be better able to resist its lure.

Inappropriate: Unless you are extremely close to your recipient, it’s not wise to overstep the boundaries of personal relationships by noting some aspect of an individual’s appearance or talents that presumes over-familiarity. In some cases, people may be trying to use the compliment to manipulate the situation so that they seem even closer than they are in reality, in terms of emotional connection, or status. Be sure you are positive, supportive, and careful in the words you choose.

Repeatedly: Compliments can be subject to the laws of economics. This means the more often you give them out the less they mean. By giving nonstop compliments, you seem insincere, and even if you genuinely feel this way, it would be best to keep some of those words of admiration to yourself. The downside of giving too many compliments is that people come to expect them from you. Should you fail to notice something they actually would like to hear complimented. They’ll think something is wrong.

Right: The right compliment is sincere, respectful, is given out in the right doses, and provides no obvious benefit to the giver. I doubt if there’s any research on this at all, but I am willing to guess that a great compliment turns on the brain’s reward center, which leads to good feelings not only about you, and the recipient of that praise you are so eager to share.

Rude: Assuming that you want your compliment to reflect truly positive feelings, you need to monitor not just what you say, but how you say it. A compliment offered in a condescending tone of voice conveys your belief, intentional or not, that you’re surprised at the recipient’s ability to do something well. Similarly, compliments can sound sarcastic if you don’t have the right emphasis: “Oh, what a great job you’ve done!” can imply the exact opposite if said in the wrong tone of voice.

You can also inadvertently insult someone who’s had a major life change, such as losing or gaining weight, having cosmetic surgery, or completed a training course by remarking on how much better he or she looks or performs. These compliments are risky, unless you know the other person very, very well (and are ready to apologize if you’re misunderstood).

Unqualified: Praising people for qualities relevant to a situation may help motivate them and also feel good about themselves. However, giving an off-topic compliment can get them off their game by leading them to develop self-doubts. Men tend to praise other men for their competence and women praise each other on their appearance when in social situations. If you compliment people based on their appearance when, in fact, they would prefer to be complimented on their performance, this reinforces the notion that their performance is not valued and they may doubt their own abilities.

Compliments that reinforce a positive stereotype about a gender, racial, or ethnic group can also create bad relationships. People can feel depersonalized by compliments such as “Asians are good at math” or “women are nurturing.” Your compliment, though well-intentioned, makes the person feel less like an individual and more like a member of a targeted social group.

Vague: Let’s start with the case when your language leaves a little something to be desired: “A good meal from you is a rare treat.” What you meant to say is that the meal was a treat that you rarely are ever able to have from anyone else, but instead it sounds like you meant that it’s rare for the cook to do a good job.

The problem is that “rare” can have more than one meaning, making it verbally confusing. To avoid this type of inadvertent insult, make sure that you think about what you’re going to say, and possible double meanings, before you utter it. This is a good rule in all communication, but especially when you’re discussing a sensitive matter.

“How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.” (GratitudeHabitat.com)[i]

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[i] Adapted from:

·        “9 Types of Compliments and Why They Work (or Not)” by Susan Krauss Whitbourne

·        “Compliment” by Cambridge English Dictionary