Sacrifice

 "Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so that you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life that they deserve.” (Someecards.com)

Emotional incest (also called “covert incest”) occurs when a parent (or caregiver) relies on a child for support that a romantic partner would typically give. It does not involve sexual abuse. This reverses the norms of parenthood and means that the child has to prioritize the needs of the adult.

The word “covert” refers to the fact that this type of incest is often less noticeable, and more difficult to identify than incest that involves sexual abuse. Potential causes for emotional incest may include relationship dysfunction or breakdown, infidelity, divorce, abandonment, bereavement, and domestic abuse.

The effects of emotional incest include:

·        A love-hate relationship with the parent (or caregiver)

·        Compulsive behavior or addiction

·        Difficulty forming lasting intimate relationships

·        Feeling inadequate and unworthy

·        Sexual dysfunction

·        Thoughts of abandonment toward other parent (or caregiver) who have left the household or are allowing the behavior to continue

·        Trouble identifying and fulfilling personal needs because the person is so used to caring for others

The following are examples of emotional incest:

Feel jealous of the child’s relationships: When the child becomes an adult, the parent (or caregiver) or caregiver may become jealous of their romantic relationships. They may compete for attention, intrude, or attempt to sabotage them.

Invade the child’s privacy: This may involve invading the child’s personal space frequently or preventing the child from having a space of their own. The caregiver may also do things that make the child feel uncomfortable, such as ignoring the child’s wish for privacy when they are nude or being nude around the child.

Put their needs before the child’s: The caregiver may expect frequent praise and affection from the child or wish to feel that they are the most important thing in the child’s life at the expense of the child’s other relationships.

Rely on a child for support: This may include confiding in them about their relationship problems, looking to them for comfort or reassurance, or asking the child for advice that is inappropriate for their age.

Treat the child like a romantic partner: This could involve the caregiver taking the child on dates, discussing their sexual experiences, or inappropriately commenting on the child’s body or appearance. The caregiver may also insist that the child call them names typically reserved for adult partners.

Below are steps a person can take to begin healing from emotional incest:

Establishing boundaries: If an adult child is still in contact with their parent (or caregiver), they may need to establish healthier boundaries. An individual may also need to practice setting boundaries with other people such as romantic partners, friends, or their own children.

Having therapy: A qualified therapist can help a person understand what happened to them during childhood, and provide a judgment-free space for them to talk about it. They can also help people adjust their ideas about what healthy relationships look like.

Joining a support group: A person may find it beneficial to communicate with others who have had similar experiences. Support groups can also help people recognize unhealthy patterns of behavior and so reduce the power that their parent (or caregiver) has over them.

Taking medication: If a person who has experienced emotional incest has depression or anxiety, medication may help manage the symptoms. 

“A child who is experiencing emotional incest may come to believe that the best way to engage in close relationships is to ensure they are overachievers, superior, and special.” (Kathy Hardie-Williams)[i]

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[i] Adapted from:  “What is covert incest?” by Zawn Villines

Inspired by: The video, “Russ Taff: I Still Believe”