Roommate Syndrome involves couples living together in a marriage that has grown stale, emotionally disconnected, and passionless. Novelty, curiosity, and passion have been replaced with silent routine, predictability and polite disinterest. Roommate syndrome is a marriage that begs the question “Is this all there is?” Roommate Syndrome is caused by a lack of purpose, vision, and prioritization.
The average couple may (or may not) be raising children, managing a household, supporting aging parents, career aspirations (or retirement), and social and spiritual commitments. Your spouse is often the last on the list of priorities. The newness of that person you first fell in love with has become a boring structure in the home. (There’s usually one spouse who feels this way while the other one is completely oblivious.) Roommate Syndrome takes a slow progression over time. Below are five signs you and your spouse may have Roommate Syndrome:
Someone’s
always coming and going-You work, you’ve got errands to
run, your children have activities, but the constant going is a sign you’re
your spouse’s roommate. At some point, your schedules should align. Each couple
should have their friends, but when you’re spending an excessive amount of time
out of the house, including staying out late, something’s wrong.
You can’t
remember the last time you two talked-I’m
sure you speak every day. You have to. You probably exchange pleasantries on a
regular basis: good morning, good night, be safe, and how was your day? When’s
the last time the two of you had a conversation, where the both of you were
engaged, genuinely interacting, and listening to each other? I’m not talking
about fighting. I’m not talking about discussing the children. Communicate with
each other verbally without interrupting each other.
You don’t
bother arguing with each other anymore. You discuss your issues with others-Resentment can easily build if you’re not performing
regular maintenance in your relationship. You’re not going to like everything
your spouse does, but if you’re discussing it with everyone else but him or
her, you have some things to work on.
There’s nothing worse than when you’re the last to know
about problems in your marriage. If you’ve been telling your parents, your
siblings, or your friends about issues you have with your husband or wife,
you’re certainly in a roommate capacity rather than a spouse capacity. Do any
of these signs ring any bells? If so, start communicating with your spouse
right away about the problems you two are having and start working on things.
You’re more than roommates. You’re partners, lovers. and friends. Be in your
marriage for the long haul.
You’re
constantly in two different rooms-Look
around. Where’s your significant other? Are you in the living room and he’s in
his man cave? Are you in the kitchen and she’s in the bedroom? Are you often in
different rooms away from each other? Some would blame it on different taste in
television shows. Some would say it’s because they have work to do. I’m not
saying you should be under each other all the time, but spending your time away
from each other in the same house on a regular basis is not healthy.
You’re
not having regular sex (if you’re having it at all)-Sex is a very important part in a marriage, and yet it’s
often one of the first things to go when things aren’t going well. Think about
the last time you were intimate with your spouse. Has it been days, weeks, or
months, or years? When you’re in bed together, what do you do? (Do you sleep in
separate beds?) Is one person reading while another person watches TV? Do you
even cuddle anymore? If the sex is gone, not only are you roommates, but now
you’re bedmates and that’s no fun.
Below are exercises couples can do right now to fight against Roommate Syndrome:
·
Think
back to a time in your life when you (individually) were passionate about
something. It could be anything... restoring a classic car, eating vegan,
learning to play the guitar, trying out for a sports team. Remember what that
energy and dedication felt like? Take those memories and find a new passion
that you and your partner can pursue together.
·
Together,
get out of your daily schedule and find some time to do something new. Be
intentional. Plan it. And it`s alright to start with the small things.
·
With
your partner, create a bucket list of your top ten items that you want to
accomplish. Just to get your juices flowing, here are a few questions: Where do
you want to travel? What business would you start? Would you ever want to run a
marathon? How about skydiving, or a missions trip to a third-world country?
“Marriage
is a lifelong course in learning to be unselfish.” (Rick Warren)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Do you
suffer from the Roommate Syndrome?” By Brittany
Graham
·
“Five Signs Your Spouse is Your Roommate” By Briana Ford
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