We want to solve things whether their puzzles, riddles, math problems, or other peoples’ life problems. When people come to us with a problem, it is almost instinctual to attempt to solve it. This is due to our desire to help others. When we are not experiencing the problem, we actually have an advantage of seeing different perspectives and finding solutions more easily then the person experiencing it. So when others come to us to talk about a problem why do they seem to not want our good advice?
Great insights can come from asking for advice from an expert, or just from a friend who seems to have a good take on a certain topic of interest. Asking a group of people, even strangers, for advice can provide a great variety of helpful ideas. What about when advice is offered when you didn’t ask for it? New mothers, college students, and people who work with the public may be more prone to getting unsolicited advice from friends, family, or strangers, but most of us experience it at times. It doesn't always feel helpful.
Unsolicited advice has the potential to create stress. Often it can feel like criticism more than support when someone offers their take on what you could be doing better. The stress can be compounded if the advice-giver takes offense if their advice isn't welcomed and followed. When the advice doesn't feel right to you, this can put you in a difficult position and create frustration and even resentment on both sides. People who offer unsolicited advice may have pure motives, but it doesn't always feel helpful.
Advice
is rarely helpful when you deliver it in an intense, I-know-what’s-best-for-you
way. Its fine to give advice if you recognize that you are only sharing an
opinion (“In my experience, this has worked for me…” or “I see it this way…”).
Advice-giving can kick relationships out of balance if you are better at giving
it than receiving it. Always look for the motive behind unsolicited advice. Here
are some common reasons people are compelled to give unsolicited advice.
·
Altruism: Often
people offer advice just because of the simple reason that they think they can
help you. They want to make your life easier. Whatever the case, their motives
are altruistic.
Perhaps there’s something they know of that they think would work perfectly with
your situation or personality. They would love to hook you up with something
that would improve your life or reduce your stress. Particularly if you are
talking to them about a problem even if you just need some validation or
emotional support. People may assume you are looking to them for answers, and
might feel pressure to supply those answers.
·
Excitement: Other
times, unsolicited advice comes from those who have found something that works
for them, and they want to share it with the world. They see your situation as
a perfect fit for this new product, tool, or piece of wisdom that’s made their
life so much better. They wish someone had told them about it sooner so they
share. It's also common for people who have faced the same challenges as you
and found a great solution to want to share it. They assume their answer will
affect you the same way.
·
Friendliness: Sometimes
unsolicited advice is offered by a stranger as a way to start a conversation.
It can also be offered by a friend to perhaps forge
a connection. Friends often assume they can help you
by offering you a solution even if you didn't ask for one. This type of advice
is well-meaning and can often be helpful.
“There is a time to
provide advice and offer an opinion, and there is a time not to. Don't be too
quick to offer unsolicited advice. It certainly will not endear you to people.” (Harvey Mackay) [i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Before You Give Advice” by Harriet Lerner
·
“How to
(NOT) Give Advice” By Jennifer Artesani Blanks
·
“Types of
Unsolicited Advice That Cause Stress” By Elizabeth Scott
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