Encourage Me: Doubt

“Gaslighting causes you to doubt your sanity.” (Anonymous)

Gaslighting is a sinister form of exploitation and control, which derives its name from a 1938 Patrick Hamilton play and a 1944 Ingrid Bergman film both by the name of Gas Light. The victims of gaslighting end up doubting their memory, perception, and sanity. Over time, the gaslighter’s manipulations grow more complex and potent, making them difficult for the victim to avoid. Gaslighting can occur in personal or professional relationships.

The term has been used in clinical and research literature as well as in political commentary. In gaslighting, phrases like the following are common: “That never happened. You must be imagining it.” “Everyone agrees with me that you’re overreacting.” “You know no one else thinks that way, right?” Gaslighting ignites emotionally like, matches thrown into a puddle of gasoline. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting. It is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. If you think you know someone that might be a gaslighter, below are the abusers actions as well as the victim’s reactions:

1. Lie and exaggerate: The gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee (“There’s something wrong and inadequate about you”), thereby putting the gaslightee on the defensive.

2. Repetition:. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated constantly in order to stay on the offensive, control the conversation, and dominate the relationship.

3. Escalate: When challenged and when their liies are recognized, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks by ignoring substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.

4. Wear out the victim: By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question her or his own perception, identity, and reality.

5. Form codependent relationships:. In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization. (Codependency is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.)

6. Give false hope:. As a manipulative tactic, the gaslighter will occasionally treat the victim with mildness, moderation, and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslightee false hope. In these circumstances, the victim might think: “Maybe he’s really not that bad,” “Maybe things are going to get better,” or “Let’s give it a chance.” The temporary mildness is often a calculated maneuver intended to instill complacency and have the victim’s guard down before the next act of gaslighting begins. With this tactic, the gaslighter also further reinforces a codependent relationship.

7. Dominate and control:. At its extreme, the ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the gaslighter keeps the gaslightees in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will for the escalation of their power and personal gain.

“[There is a ] funny thing about passive aggressive people. They can smile, and throw you under the bus then get you to apologize for getting upset about it.” (Anonymous)[i]