We enter into relationships with certain beliefs about what good ones are, and how we should feel when we're in one. These assumptions form the basis for assessing our relationship satisfaction. You and your significant other may indeed look back on the decision to get together as one of the best of your life. Misconceptions about what defines a good relationship can cause us to question our partnerships.
Remember that every couple is unique. There isn't just one type of unhealthy relationship, and it's not always easy to recognize if something is off in your own relationship. It's important to understand some of the toxic ideas about relationships that are out there. The truth behind these common myths may help you see your relationship in a new light:
1.
Being In a relationship will make you happy: There's a lot of societal pressure to be in a relationship, but the truth is that your worth isn't defined by your
relationship status. Having a partner can be wonderful, but it's not guaranteed
to make you happy, and it's alright to be single. Being in a
relationship in the early stages can be a fun distraction but that's all it is:
a distraction from your problems.
Once the honeymoon period ends, those same problems that you
had will still be there. People who enter into a relationship with the belief
that they will now be complete and happy because of this relationship are
frequently disappointed. They tend to experience more arguments and report a
lower level of relationship satisfaction.
2.
Couples shouldn't fight: If you think that being in a healthy, happy relationship
means you and your partner should never fight, you couldn't be more
mistaken. Having confrontation is normal, but only if you and your partner are fighting in a healthy way. Couples should fight, but they should learn how to fight.
Conflicts are part of the process of growing up.
Human beings learn and develop primarily through pain and
suffering. Pain teaches us lessons about ourselves and others. Embrace the
fights by establishing rules of engagement and by fighting fair. Make sure you
grow from those fights, or else you are doomed to repeat them.
3.
If you love your partner, it’s ok to give and get nothing in
return: Relationships are all about give
and take, and even if you consider yourself a giving person it's toxic to let yourself get trapped
in a relationship where you're always giving but never getting anything in return from your partner. It is wonderful to be a giver, but it is also
important that you know how to ask for what you need in your
relationship.
A healthy relationship
has moments where you will be a giver and moments where you will need support,
attention, or to be heard. When your needs are constantly not being met because
you aren't speaking up and asking for what you need within the context of your
relationship, you are setting yourself up for some disappointment.
4.
You always have to compromise: Disagreements will
come up in any relationship, and it's important to know when to compromise because you
shouldn't be a doormat anytime there's a confrontation. Relationships are about negotiation which may result in a
compromise.
The trouble with the compromise line is that it may
encourage some people to forsake their argument from the beginning and not
verbalize themselves all for the sake of compromising. This type of thinking is
incredibly toxic in some relationships, and can lead to some major codependent behavior. Voice your opinion first, and then work out a compromise.
5.
You need to share everything with your partner: In a relationship, you're going to share a lot with your partner: experiences,
memories, a home, finances... the list goes on. However, you should still have your own sense of self, which means it's ok to keep some things — like a hobby or
some time with friends — separate from your partner.
This does not mean you should lie and avoid the truth, but
there is certainly some information you can — and should — keep to yourself. If
your partner asks you point blank about something that can be a judgment call
depending on the situation. But there is certainly room for individuality.
6.
You should always put your partner first: Being in a relationship,
means that you're taking your partner's feelings into account. You
shouldn't always put your partner first especially if that
means your own needs and wants are neglected. It’s all about you. I don’t mean that in a selfish
or egocentric way.
I mean that you should have goals and dreams that are
independent of the relationship. You can hang a lot of hopes and dreams on love
and intimacy, but you never know when they will turn on you. Your partner is
important, and your love is something worth living for, but don’t make the
mistake of sacrificing your true self or your integrity.
7.
You should never go to bed angry: You've probably heard the above cliche, but if you want to
resolve conflict in a healthy, productive way, staying up all night to hash things out when tensions are
high isn't the best way. Staying up
extra hours to resolve conflict when you are both exhausted often leads to
further escalation. Sometimes all you need is a good night’s sleep. Once you
wake up refreshed in the morning, you’ll often have a clearer perspective on
the topic of contention and be able to deal with it in a more reasonable way.
Ultimately, the most important thing to remember about
relationships is that there isn't just one way to do things right. By learning
what's not true of healthy relationships, you can
get one step closer to making sure that yours is happy, fulfilling, and most importantly full of mutual love and respect.
8.
Your partner should be your best friend: It's great if you and your partner are best friends, but
if you feel like you're betraying them by having other close friendships,
that's a very unhealthy line of
thinking. When you become too connected in a romantic relationship, it can be
difficult to avoid codependency and objectivity about the health of the
relationship. This is why outside friendships are helpful.
RELATIONSHIP MYTH: It doesn’t matter if my family doesn’t like you.
RELATIONSHIP TRUTH: Yes…it
does. (www.midlovecrisis.com)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“10 Common Relationship Myths (and Why They're All Wrong)” by Guy
Winch
·
“10 Common Relationship Myths” by
CanyonRanch
·
“9
Common Relationship Beliefs You Didn't Realize Were Toxic” by Laken Howard
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