Life in Oaksdale was a lot like a speeding roller coaster. There were always ups and downs at every turn throughout my life. One of the bad times had to be the death of my father. The pressures of being the man of the house were often too much for a teenage guy. During that time I’d reached the end of my emotional rope. I was flapping in the wind much of the time.
One rainy night just four months after Dad had died I tried to end my life by overdosing on a bottle of sleeping pills. Luckily, my mom discovered me in time, and the hospital pumped out my stomach. The following is the suicide letter I left for Mom.
She keeps the original, and I have photocopied it for myself. It’s a reminder to me of how much pressure human beings put on themselves to be something someone else needs in crisis (mom’s protector). Life for me improved after this when I got the medical attention that brought me back to a state of normal life. (Whatever that is.)
Wednesday, May 31, 10PM
Dear Mom,
I’m not doing this to hurt you. Before you read any further, know that I’ll always love you. It’s been a nightmare living without Dad. I want the pain in my heart to stop. You can’t imagine how many nights in my bed I’ve wished that I could have died alongside Dad. I should have stopped him from going to work that day. Maybe he’d still be here today. We could be a happy family once again instead of the broken mess we are now. Maybe if I’m dead I can finally be with Dad in Heaven. I’m tired of being with him only in my dreams.
If God really loved you and me, why’d He let this awful thing happen? This isn’t fair. What did I ever do to deserve this? If He does this kind of thing, I don’t want to have anything to do with Him. You’re probably wondering why I never told you about this. I didn’t want to put any more pain on you than you’re already struggling with. I hear you crying at night all alone in your room when you think I don’t hear you. I am so sorry to do this to you, but I am so tired of fighting this depression. I can’t do it anymore.
I know everyone thinks I’m handling this entire trauma well on the outside. On the inside I’m dying and shattered completely. If I overdosed on your sleeping pills correctly, I won’t wake up in the morning when you knock on my door. By the time you call 911, I’ll be in a better place with Dad. Someday soon we will all be a whole family. This is your son signing off for the last time.
Danny
Easter
should be time of celebrating the victorious resurrection of Jesus Christ from
the dead (and not the Easter Bunny). Unfortunately, there was an Easter when we
were in high school that Lyna was not talking to me. See if you can figure out
why from these texts. The reason for the big argument is still unclear to me. Here
are two especially angry texts I have kept from this time period as a reminder
to never get this angry with my best friend again.
From: Danny Philman
To: Lyna Denton
Date: Saturday, March 26, 5:00PM
Sister Lyna,
This will be short and sweet. I'm sorry
for French kissing you at the party last night. Are we friends or on our way to
being lovers? The choice is up to you, but please let me know your decision
soon. You act one way at my house, but
out in the public eye you don't want anyone to know that I want you to be my
girlfriend. You're like a bad cold I can't get rid of.
Please, don't tell me you are like many of
the girls I know mostly shallow and cliquish.
I thought you were different. As usual, I won't live like this one more
day. I'll start dating that disgusting girl at school that you hate so much,
Tiffany Langston. She's got
fantastic-looking long legs.
Maybe some other guy will like having his
heart stepped on by someone with no sense of compassion for others. Why do you
play these little mind games with me? I don't like them one bit.
From: Lyna Denton
To: Danny Philman
Date: Monday, April 2, 1:00AM
Brother Philly,
I've never been as angry at one person in
my entire life as I am with you right now. Why don't you act like a man instead
of a wimp, and tell me this stuff in your text to my face.
I'd rather never love again than ever date
you one more time. Some guys know how to treat a lady better than you do. I
don't care about your fragile male ego either.
As for Tiffany Langston and you dating,
that sounds like a perfect match because you both have one thing in common.
You're stuck on yourselves. Here is a bit of advice, your kissing skills stink.
Somewhere will have to freeze over before you ever get an apology from me.
In the back corner of my high school
memories box in my closet is all my stuff from high school graduation like my
royal purple cap and gown and the cherry red tassel. My senior memory book is
filled with a variety of graduation congratulation cards in various shapes and
sizes from friends and relatives all over the United States. The one card in
that group that holds the most sentimental value would be the one that came
from my mother.
Mom’s card carried a picture of Estelle
Getty as her Sophia character from the hit TV sitcom, Golden Girls. I loved that show because it always made me laugh and
forget about my problems for a half an hour. On the front of the card stands a
waist-length picture of Sophia in a powder pink dress suit. Sophia is crying
and dabbing her eyes underneath her glasses with a white hanky. In her other
hand she’s holding a rolled up diploma.
The caption on the front of the card says,
“Son, your momma is proud of you... The inside of the card says, “For finally
graduating from high school. Best of luck in all your future endeavors” The
card is signed with my Mom’s meticulous signature. Inside the card, is a
handwritten letter on Mom’s yellow floral stationary? In the years since then,
I’ve recited the letter from memory whenever I’ve needed my mother’s
encouragement.
Graduation Day
Sunday, June 6
Dearest Danny,
I hope I can write to you what is in my
heart without soaking this letter with my tears. I know your high school years
have been tough without your Dad in your life. No one could ever take his
place. I’m so proud of who you are today. I’m sure you’re father is smiling as
he looks down from Heaven.
You are the one who gave me a reason to
pull myself out of my state of grief, and go on with life. I’ve always been
able to rely on you in times of challenge. Always remember Philippians 4:13
(ERV). It can be a real life saver at times. This verse has been my simple way
of building up your self-esteem.
“Christ is the One
who gives me the strength I need to do whatever I must do.”
You need only
one thing to succeed in whatever field of study you choose. Rely on your
Heavenly Father for your limitless future. Well, that’s enough from your mother.
I love you more than you can imagine. I’ll miss you when you go off to college
this fall. Know I’m always here for you WHENEVER you need me.
Your Biggest Fan,
Mom
Life is always full of a variety of
unusual experiences that don’t make much sense at the moment they happen. This
seems to be the theme of my world. This is finally the end of my book. Did you
enjoy getting to know the real me. My wish is that you have gained some insight
from all I’ve told you. If not, has this been a waste of you time. Only you can
be the judge of that.
Good news, Ravena and Deanna came back to
me in Indonesia. Being a single parent for two months made my wife realize she
couldn’t do it all without me. I’m happy to know Ravenna feels she’s safer with
me than away from me. It amazes me how much my baby girl, Deanna, has changed
just in the few months we’ve been apart. Life does go on, doesn’t it? Ravena
said our daughter wouldn’t stop mumbling, “Where’s Daddy?” at least five times
a day. It was driving my wife crazy.
Best of Luck,
Danny
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