Parental Guidance?

Exodus 20:12 (of the Ten Commandants) states long life (however that’s interpreted) for those who honor their mother and father. The New Testament sequel to the above says things will be right with those who obey their parents. 

Is there an age limit for children when honoring and obeying their parents? Can abandonment or other actions by a parent negate the need for an adult child to do the above? I definitely do not have the answers to this age old conundrum.

Maybe a real life example from my work life involving one of the store’s senior guests, “Nessa,” (short for Vanessa) will give you a unique perspective on this issue.

When Nessa walked through the glass doors to shop, a Greeter/guest connection happened almost immediately. This bright and bubbly friend was in her golden years, and appeared to be enjoying life to its fullest. In the midst of our conversation, Nessa showed me her messy over full black purse.

She then confided to me she felt her mother wanted her to clean it up, and organize it. I wondered if mother shame (and misguided Jesus guilt) were being used to pack a mighty punch to Nessa’s psyche.

When I saw Nessa again about a week later, the black purse was immaculate. I made her aware she was a grown adult, and could do as she liked. Nessa came from an age when parental requests were honored no matter the age of the child. Denial or ignoring a parental desire was not an option. I think Nessa felt that not to do as her mother would have wished could be interpreted as a sin against God.

One Sunday Nessa showed up at the store all dressed up just to see me.  She asked me if I remembered her. I did. She knew I was writing this article, and providing her character with a fictitious name. She liked the name of “Nessa” I’d chosen.

In the course of our brief chat, I found out her mother had been dead for many years. Nessa still has the need to listen to her conscience, which had a similarity to the voice of her late mother. Beyond the grave the matriarch of Nessa’s clan was still controlling the actions of her daughter.

As the opposite of the above original example, let’s use my mother. As an adult, mom has had a great deal of sorrow to try to process through. Her physically abusive first husband (my father) was killed in a car accident when he was 42, and my siblings and I were teens. Her second husband died of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease in 2011

My twenty-five year-old brother died of a seizure in 1992. I (the oldest child) had cancer in 2009. The challenges the middle sister has been through bring tears to my eyes. I communicate well with my only existing parent. We can communicate in a way that some children only wish they could.

I am very protective of mom. As much as I want my mother to be happy and healthy, I have taught her where my boundaries are in regard to me as an adult man. I often come to her for advice, but it is always my option as to what I want to do with the information.

Here is my interpretation of the verse references at the beginning of this post. I believe a child should (do their best) to honor their imperfect parents no matter the age they are. Once an adult child is supporting themselves (away from their childhood home); borders must be established and respected for all those involved. (Parental obedience is definitely severed once the parent is dead.)

The parent/child relationship is difficult to maneuver through for most people. Try compromise. Show consideration for each other. Like Nessa, come to realistic terms with what your current attitude is about your family relationships. If change needs to be made, then do it. What have you got to lose?