My Obsession

“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”  (Melody Beattie)

Whitney Houston was a phenomenal female vocalist. Little did Whitney realize in the chorus of her 1992 song "I Have Nothing," she was singing about a classic codependent relationship. Read the lyrics for yourself, and come to your own conclusions about my theory:

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me.

I have nothing if I don't have you.

If you are naturally a people pleaser, are you sure that you may have not stepped over into codependency with your desire to help others. A codependent person may exhibit the following characteristics (from this rather long list). Read it carefully:

• Low self esteem often projected onto others.
• Being either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• A tendency to confuse love and pity (with the tendency to love people they can pity and rescue)
• Lack of self confidence in making decisions
• A tendency to do more than their share all of the time
• Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
• A tendency to become hurt when efforts are not recognized
• Resentment of authority figures
• A codependent person will do anything to hold on to a relationship

• Holding anger in until  explosion time
• An extreme need for approval
• Hypersensitive to criticism
• Being addicted to drama
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Tendency to look for victims to help
• Controller
• Lack of trust in self (or others)
• Lies (when it would be just as easy to tell the truth)
• Fear of being  alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Overreacting to change
• Constantly seeking affirmation, while compromising sense of self
• Problems with boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Poor communications
• Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus exhibiting impulsive responses
• Feelings of being different[i]

If you are codependent, the three suggestions below could be a helpful tool in eventually discovering the real you that your Heavenly Father has always desired you to be:

1.   Codependency education: The more you understand codependency the better you can control its effects. Therapists can help you to learn to recognize your negative emotions, and become aware of destructive behavior patterns. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) encourages patients to become more self-directed (rather than to engage in excessive people pleasing).

Patient’s choices lead to outcomes that serve their best interests. Allowing a healthy balance between social-interest and self-interest, leads the patient to a state of normalcy. This provides a relaxed view towards the approval or disapproval of others, and begins to release excessive people-pleasers of their self-imposed duties. Choices are based now on the patient’s long-term self-interest of the person living with their decisions.

2.   Redefine Relationship Roles: Caretaking is typically the predominant role for those sharing a codependent relationship with an addict. Many times, the role of caretaking offers loved ones a feeling of control and relevance. In a codependent relationship, offering emotional and financial support enables the addiction to grow stronger, while the relationship becomes less healthy.

Codependency is typically characterized by feelings of low self-esteem. These unhealthy emotions then lead to enabling behaviors. Although the codependent relationship may have caused these feelings, loved ones may not feel they deserve change over time. They must first believe in their own self-worth in this codependent relationship.

3.   Take action with a solution: Imagine the enjoyable dream of being emotionally independent and happiness regardless of other people. Set realistic goals because the elevator to recovery is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs (one step at a time). To genuinely help an addict, there must be an honest evaluation at both relationships involved.

Because codependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, to heal childhood issues can be painful as denial and procrastination may be involved. Mindfulness may be of help It is a tool that enables a person to look to their feelings without judgment. Denial is the cornerstone for both addiction and codependency.

Many codependents deny their own feelings, needs, and expectations to cater to unreasonable demands of addiction. Over time, fulfilling these irrational demands offers emotional satisfaction, replacing the void left by a lack of emotional nourishing and intimacy.

The first step towards breaking the shackles of codependency is acknowledging the shackles of emotional transference exist. The final step to break the cycle of codependence is turning insight into action. It’s setting physical boundaries, severing responsibility for someone, joining a self-help group, or demanding someone undergo treatment. Meaningful action can create meaningful change for both yourself and your loved one. Codependent individuals must believe in their own self-worth to combat the chaotic nature of this kind of relationship.[ii]

“I learned again and again in my life, until you get your own act together, you’re not ready for big love. What you’re ready for is one of those codependent relationships where you desperately need a partner.” (Bruce H. Lipton)

 

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[i] I believe everyone on planet Earth is codependent on someone else to some extent (healthy or unhealthy). Aren’t we all dependent on the love of our Heavenly Father.

 

[ii] Sources used:

·        “Four Steps to Break the Shackles of Codependency” by Matt Berry

·        “How to Overcome Codependency in 3 Simple Steps” by Fariborz Arbasi

 

 

In Season

“Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” (Mother Teresa)

Nutrition by fruit is a great-tasting way to strengthen your immune system, fight disease, boost your overall body health, and increase your water intake. Fruits supply carbohydrates that provide essential energy for metabolism, processing nutrients, and staying active, as well as some.

Fruits are loaded with Vitamins A, C, E (and Lycopene) your body cannot produce on its own. They help your body prevent disease, fight illness, and stave off the signs of aging.

Your body needs all eight essential amino acids for proper daily health and disease prevention. Fruits (like bananas) incorporated into your diet will assure you get what your body needs. Nearly all fruits are a great source of fiber. This is critical for processing nutrients and eliminating the toxins that come from the food, drink, and environment in which you live.

Fruit is a quick way to get the vitamins and minerals you need. While popular fruits like apples and oranges are very nutritious, less known fruits like dragon fruit, can provide an abundant source of Vitamin C. This will deliver a blast of illness-fighting phytonutrients to the body. With a limitless ways to prepare them, fruits are an easy way to increase a positive way of living good nutrition.

“In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23, Revised Edition NABRE)

Do you understand why fruit makes such an excellent spiritual analogy? The physical fruits we eat can add so much to our good health by healing disease. If you don’t eat fruit (and vegetables) your health will deteriorate. Your immune system will falter, and you will be prone to sickness and disease.

Spiritual fruit is a great way to strengthen your spiritual immune system, fight spiritual disease, and boost your overall Christian health. Spiritual fruit can provide you with different types of spiritual benefits that include more of the Holy Spirit in your life. Not only do spiritual fruits provide spiritual carbohydrates (spiritual energy). They provide essential spiritual wisdom, inspire good works, and keep you spiritually active while allowing God’s attributes to freely flow through you.

Spiritual fruits are loaded with the essential spiritual antioxidants. [i]Your physical body and mind cannot produce them on their own. These spiritual antioxidants prevent spiritual disease and darkness. These also help develop within you a strong spiritual immune system. Spiritual fruits are a great source of spiritual fiber that is critical for eliminating the toxins thrown at us from the devil.

We cannot develop the fruits of the Spirit on our own. We can never train our sinful selves to fulfill God’s holy, sinless standard. Spiritual fruits are not something we can grow. They need to be planted by God. Even after God plants the spiritual fruits seeds within us, we can hinder our growth. We must stop putting ourselves first, and spend time with Him. God must prune and water our lives so the fruit of the Spirit can be evident to all that come in contact with us.

During my lifetime, many of the sermons I’ve heard on the fruit of the Spirit have been rather undeletable, vague, and forgettable. The fruit of the Spirit must be a part of your world today to be of any use to you.  Hopefully what is provided below will aid you in achieving this goal:

Today, I choose…

·        Love instead of being bitter towards others.

·        Joy instead of being jaded with my world.

·        Peace instead of not forgiving others.

·        Patience instead of complaining about others.

·        Kindness to all those I come in contact with.

·        Goodness in always doing the right thing.

·        Faithfulness in keeping all the promises I make to others.

·        Gentleness in the way I deal with others (especially when I’m angry).

·        Self-control in what I am controlled with (and by) in my life.[ii]

 

“Fruit is always the miraculous (the created). It is never the result of willing, but always a growth. The fruit of the Spirit is a gift of God, and only He can produce it. They who bear it know as little about it as the tree knows of its fruit. They know only the power of Him on whom their life depends” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, author of The Cost of Discipleship)

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[i] Spiritual antioxidants include: Vitamin L for love, Vitamin J for joy, Vitamin P for peace/patience, Vitamin F for faithfulness, Vitamin K for kindness, Vitamin G for goodness/gentleness, and Vitamin S for self-control.

 

[ii] Sources used:

·        “Max Lucado on the Fruits of the Spirit”

·        “The Analogy of Fruits” by Mike Shanta

 

 

 

 

All You See

"When all you see is your pain, you lose sight of Me." (The Shack)

One night I dreamed a dream. I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testing’s. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."[i]

If you have you ever felt distant with your Heavenly Father, ask yourself these four questions. Am I still…

1.   Operating on the unchanging truth of the Bible, or my own changing feelings?

Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have because He has said, “I will never leave you; I will always be by your side. (Hebrews 13:5, VOICE)

“Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.”  (V. Raymond Edman)

2.   Seeking after the Heavenly Father?

“Let your gentleness show in your treatment of all people. The Lord is near. Don’t be anxious about anything; rather, bring up all of your requests to God in your prayers and petitions, along with giving thanks. Then the peace of God that exceeds all understanding will keep your hearts and minds safe in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:5-7, CEB)

“Any relationship involves times of closeness and times of distance, and in a relationship with God (no matter how intimate) the pendulum will swing from one side to the other.” (Philip Yancey)

3.   At fault for the Heavenly Father not being present in my life?

“The peace of God is not the absence of fear. It, in fact, is His presence.” (Timothy Keller)

·        Do I have unconfessed sin in my life?

“Don't think that the Lord is too weak to save you or too deaf to hear your call for help! ² It is because of your sins that He doesn't hear you. It is your sins that separate you from God when you try to worship Him.”  (Isaiah 59:1-2, GNT)

·        Does the Heavenly Father wish to glorify Himself through my suffering?

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of the exceptional nature of these revelations, a thorn was given to me and placed in my body. It was Satan’s messenger to keep on tormenting me so that I would not become conceited.” (2 Corinthians 12:7, ISV-the Apostle Paul)

·        Is the Heavenly Father trying to grow (and mature) your faith with the emotional distance?

“If I go to the east, God is not there.  If I go to the west, I still don’t see Him. When He is working in the north, I don’t see Him. When He turns to the south, I still don’t see Him. But God knows me. He is testing me and will see that I am as pure as gold.” (Job 23:8-, ERV)

4.   Learning the lesson of Jesus’ humanity (and suffering)?

“We have a high priest who can feel with us when we are weak. He has been tested in every way, just as we are. But he did not do anything wrong.” (Hebrews 4:15, New Testament WE)[ii]

“He is not humanity deified. He is not Godhead humanized. He is God. He is man. He is all that God is, and all that man is as God created Him.” (Charles Spurgeon)

“God will wreck your plans when He sees that your plans are about to wreck you.” (ibloom.us)

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[i] “Footprints in the Sand” by Mark Littleton, 1990, 4^th version)

 

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your prints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns. For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends.

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints is the small 'sand print', safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change. The footprint inside the larger footprint seems to grow larger. Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

Again, this goes on for a long time. But then something awful happens. The second set of footprints is back. And this time it seems even worse. Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints. You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream.

Now you speak. "Lord, I understand the first scene with the zigzags and fits and starts and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with you."

"That is correct."

"Yes, and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You very closely."

"Very good. You have understood everything so far."

"Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours. I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming like you in every way."

"Precisely."

"But this is my question. Lord.. Was there a regression or something? The footprints went back to two, and this time it was worse than the first."

The Lord smiles, then laughs. "You didn't know?" 
He says. "That was when we danced."

 

[ii] Inspired by the sermon “Cries of the Heart: Where Were You, God?” (installment three)  Sunday, July 2, 2017 Pastor Dave Jansen, CenterPoint Gahanna Church Gahanna, OH

Used “Footprints” (“I Had a Dream”) by Margaret Fishback Powers (second version, 1964)

 

Diamond Fields

“Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond fields of the mind.” (William R. Alger)

The book of Proverbs (in the Bible) was written as practical wisdom for the average person to get through the daily grind of life. The verses below can encourage anyone throughout their day. Deepen your understanding of your Heavenly Father with Proverbs in a manner that is applicable to the world you live in today.

Bottom of Form

1.      At 6 a.m. (rise and shine as the alarm goes off)
“My son, never lose sight of God’s wisdom and knowledge: make decisions out of true wisdom, guard your good sense.” (Proverbs 3:21)

 2.     At 7:30 a.m. (driving to work)
 “Yet the way of those who do right is like the early morning sun
    that shines brighter and brighter until noon.” (Proverbs 4:18)

 

3.     At 9 a.m. (help a friend)
“Kindness is its own reward,  but cruelty is a self-inflicted wound.” (Proverbs 11:17)

 

4.     At 11 a.m. (gossip time?)
“Whoever puts down another is not wise, but one who knows better keeps quiet.”  (Proverbs 11:12)

 

5.     At 12 p.m. (lunch with a friend)
“Those who live right are good guides to those who follow, but wrongdoers will steer their friends down the wrong path.” (Proverbs 12:26)

 

6.    At 3 p.m. (someone speaks to you in anger)
“A tender answer turns away rage,  but a prickly reply spikes anger.”  (Proverbs 15:1)

 

7.     At 5:15 p.m. (stuck in traffic)
“The highway of the just bypasses evil; those who watch where they’re going protect their lives from sin.” (Proverbs 16:17)

 

8.     At 6:30 p.m. (your family volunteers at a local homeless shelter)
“Whoever oppresses the poor insults his Maker,  but anyone who is gracious to the needy honors Him.” (Proverbs 14:31)

 

9.     At 8 p.m. (overwhelmed by tomorrow)
“The weight of worry drags us down,  but a good word lightens our day.” (Proverbs 12:25)

 

10.       At 10 p.m. (ready for bed)
“Your mind will be clear, free from fear;  when you lie down to rest, you will be refreshed by sweet sleep.” (Proverbs 3:24) [i]

“The Word of God is so much broader than people are giving it credit for. Look at Proverbs, a book written on how to live.” (Beth Moore)

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[i] Adapted from “10 Proverbs to Get You through Your Day” by Jennica Stevens
All verses are taken from The Voice Bible.

 

A Divine Reminder

“God gave us sleep to remind us we are not Him.” (Charles Spurgeon)

Sleep plays a vital role in who you are. Getting enough quality sleep at the right times can protect your mental alertness, physical health, quality of life, and safety. The way you feel while you're awake depends in part on what happens while you're sleeping. During sleep, your brain is forming new pathways to help you remember information. Did you know these statistics about sleep?

1.      A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year

2.     Anything less than five minutes to fall asleep at night means you're sleep deprived. The ideal is between 10 and 15 minutes, meaning you're still tired enough to sleep deeply, but not so exhausted so you feel sleepy by day.

3.     Divorced, widowed, and separated people report more insomnia.

4.     Ducks at risk of attack by predators are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, keeping one half of the brain awake while the other slips into sleep mode.

5.     Elephants sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep.

6.    Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet.

7.     In general, exercising regularly makes it easier to fall asleep and contributes to sounder sleep. However, exercising sporadically or right before going to bed will make falling asleep more difficult.

8.     In general, most healthy adults need seven to nine hours of sleep a night. However, some individuals are able to function without sleepiness or drowsiness after as little as six hours of sleep. Others can’t perform at their peak unless they’ve slept ten hours.

9.     In insomnia following bereavement, sleeping pills can disrupt grieving.

10. More than eight in ten survey respondents think that people often or sometimes misuse prescription sleep aids.

11.   Newborns sleep a total of fourteen to seventeen hours a day on an irregular schedule with periods of one to three hours spent awake.

12.  No-one knows for sure if other species dream but some do have sleep cycles similar to humans.

13.  One of the primary causes of excessive sleepiness among Americans is self-imposed sleep deprivation.

14. People who don’t get enough sleep are more likely to have bigger appetites due to the fact that their leptin levels (leptin is an appetite-regulating hormone) fall, promoting appetite increase.

15.  Rates of insomnia increase as a function of age, but most often the sleep disturbance is attributable to some other medical condition.

16. REM dreams are characterized by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive and thought-like, with little imagery - obsessively returning to a suspicion you left your mobile phone somewhere. REM sleep may help developing brains mature. Premature babies have 75 per cent REM sleep.

17.  Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain's sleep-wake clock.

18. Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

19. Sleep is just as important as diet and exercise.

20.Snoring is the primary cause of sleep disruption for approximately 90 million American adults; 37 million on a regular basis.

21.  Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

22. Ten per cent of snorers have sleep apnea, a disorder which causes sufferers to stop breathing up to 300 times a night and significantly increases the risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke.

23. The continuous brain recordings that led to the discovery of REM (rapid eye-movement) sleep were not done until 1953, partly because the scientists involved were concerned about wasting paper.

24.The higher the altitude is the greater the sleep disruption. Generally, sleep disturbance becomes greater at altitudes of 13,200 feet or more. The disturbance is thought to be caused by diminished oxygen levels and accompanying changes in respiration. Most people adjust to new altitudes in approximately two to three weeks.

25. The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.

26.            Tiny luminous rays from a digital alarm clock can be enough to disrupt the sleep cycle even if you do not fully wake. The light turns off a "neural switch" in the brain, causing levels of a key sleep chemical to decline within minutes.

27. We naturally feel tired at two different times of the day: about 2:00 AM and 2:00 PM. It is this natural dip in alertness that is primarily responsible for the post-lunch dip.  [i]Y

ROBY DIDN'T KNOW...
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver.” (coolfunnyquotes.com)

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[i] Sources used:

·        “25 Random Facts about Sleep” http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-news/25-random-facts-about-sleep

·        “Why Is Sleep Important?” https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/sdd/why

·        40 FACTS ABOUT SLEEP YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW...
 “40 Facts about Sleep You Probably Didn’t Know…(or Were Too Tired to Think About) http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm