My Obsession

“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”  (Melody Beattie)

Whitney Houston was a phenomenal female vocalist. Little did Whitney realize in the chorus of her 1992 song "I Have Nothing," she was singing about a classic codependent relationship. Read the lyrics for yourself, and come to your own conclusions about my theory:

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me.

I have nothing if I don't have you.

If you are naturally a people pleaser, are you sure that you may have not stepped over into codependency with your desire to help others. A codependent person may exhibit the following characteristics (from this rather long list). Read it carefully:

• Low self esteem often projected onto others.
• Being either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• A tendency to confuse love and pity (with the tendency to love people they can pity and rescue)
• Lack of self confidence in making decisions
• A tendency to do more than their share all of the time
• Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
• A tendency to become hurt when efforts are not recognized
• Resentment of authority figures
• A codependent person will do anything to hold on to a relationship

• Holding anger in until  explosion time
• An extreme need for approval
• Hypersensitive to criticism
• Being addicted to drama
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Tendency to look for victims to help
• Controller
• Lack of trust in self (or others)
• Lies (when it would be just as easy to tell the truth)
• Fear of being  alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Overreacting to change
• Constantly seeking affirmation, while compromising sense of self
• Problems with boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Poor communications
• Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus exhibiting impulsive responses
• Feelings of being different[i]

If you are codependent, the three suggestions below could be a helpful tool in eventually discovering the real you that your Heavenly Father has always desired you to be:

1.   Codependency education: The more you understand codependency the better you can control its effects. Therapists can help you to learn to recognize your negative emotions, and become aware of destructive behavior patterns. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) encourages patients to become more self-directed (rather than to engage in excessive people pleasing).

Patient’s choices lead to outcomes that serve their best interests. Allowing a healthy balance between social-interest and self-interest, leads the patient to a state of normalcy. This provides a relaxed view towards the approval or disapproval of others, and begins to release excessive people-pleasers of their self-imposed duties. Choices are based now on the patient’s long-term self-interest of the person living with their decisions.

2.   Redefine Relationship Roles: Caretaking is typically the predominant role for those sharing a codependent relationship with an addict. Many times, the role of caretaking offers loved ones a feeling of control and relevance. In a codependent relationship, offering emotional and financial support enables the addiction to grow stronger, while the relationship becomes less healthy.

Codependency is typically characterized by feelings of low self-esteem. These unhealthy emotions then lead to enabling behaviors. Although the codependent relationship may have caused these feelings, loved ones may not feel they deserve change over time. They must first believe in their own self-worth in this codependent relationship.

3.   Take action with a solution: Imagine the enjoyable dream of being emotionally independent and happiness regardless of other people. Set realistic goals because the elevator to recovery is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs (one step at a time). To genuinely help an addict, there must be an honest evaluation at both relationships involved.

Because codependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, to heal childhood issues can be painful as denial and procrastination may be involved. Mindfulness may be of help It is a tool that enables a person to look to their feelings without judgment. Denial is the cornerstone for both addiction and codependency.

Many codependents deny their own feelings, needs, and expectations to cater to unreasonable demands of addiction. Over time, fulfilling these irrational demands offers emotional satisfaction, replacing the void left by a lack of emotional nourishing and intimacy.

The first step towards breaking the shackles of codependency is acknowledging the shackles of emotional transference exist. The final step to break the cycle of codependence is turning insight into action. It’s setting physical boundaries, severing responsibility for someone, joining a self-help group, or demanding someone undergo treatment. Meaningful action can create meaningful change for both yourself and your loved one. Codependent individuals must believe in their own self-worth to combat the chaotic nature of this kind of relationship.[ii]

“I learned again and again in my life, until you get your own act together, you’re not ready for big love. What you’re ready for is one of those codependent relationships where you desperately need a partner.” (Bruce H. Lipton)

 

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[i] I believe everyone on planet Earth is codependent on someone else to some extent (healthy or unhealthy). Aren’t we all dependent on the love of our Heavenly Father.

 

[ii] Sources used:

·        “Four Steps to Break the Shackles of Codependency” by Matt Berry

·        “How to Overcome Codependency in 3 Simple Steps” by Fariborz Arbasi