“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” (Miriam Chikwanda)
Active listening refers to a pattern of
listening that keeps one engaged with their conversation partner in a positive
way. It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks,
paraphrasing, reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and
advice.
When you practice active listening, you make
the other person feel heard and valued. In this way, active listening is the
foundation for any successful conversation. Active listening serves the purpose
of earning the trust of others and helping you to understand their situations.
Active listening comprises both a desire to comprehend as well as to offer
support and empathy to the speaker.
Reflective and active listening are both
effective methods to use when having a conversation with someone. The
difference between the two is one reflects the other person’s thoughts back
onto themselves, and the other requires you to engage in the conversation and
show recognition of their thoughts. Reflective listening allows the person who
is being asked a question the opportunity to extract their thoughts to say what
they really mean. Active listening requires you to not only listen but respond
effectively to what is being said.
Your ability to actively listen to someone going
through a difficult time is a valuable skill. In addition, active listening
helps relationships in that you will be less likely to jump in with a
"quick fix" when the other person really just wants to be heard. Below
are tips in being a better active listener:
1.
You should aim for eye contact about
60% to 70% of the time while you are listening. Lean toward the other person,
and nod your head occasionally. Avoid folding your arms as this signals that
you are not listening.
2.
Paraphrase what has been said,
rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions. You might start this off
by saying "In other words, what you are saying is..."
3.
Do not prepare your reply while the
other person speaks; the last thing that they say may change the meaning of
what has already been said.
4.
In addition to listening to what is
said, facial expressions, tone of voice, and other behaviors can sometimes tell
you more than words alone.
5.
Avoid daydreaming. It is impossible
to attentively listen to someone else and your own internal voice at the same
time.
6.
Show interest by asking
questions to clarify what is said. Ask open-ended
questions to encourage the speaker. Avoid closed yes-or-no questions that tend
to shut down the conversation.
7.
Avoid abruptly changing the subject.
It will appear that you were not listening to the other person.
8.
Be open, neutral, and withhold
judgment while listening.
9.
Be patient while you listen. You
are capable of listening much faster than others can speak.
10.
Learn to recognize active listening.
Watch television interviews and observe whether the interviewer is practicing
active listening. Learn from the mistakes of others.
Below is an example of what active listening
might look like:
Lana: I'm sorry to dump this on you,
but I had a fight with my sister and we haven't spoken since. I'm upset and
don't know who to talk to.
Chaz: No problem. Tell me more about
what happened?
Lana: Well, we were arguing about what
to do for our parents' anniversary. I'm still so angry.
Chaz: Oh that's tough. You must feel
upset that you're not speaking because of it.
Lana: Yes, she just makes me so angry.
She assumed I would help her plan this elaborate party—I don't have time! It's
like she couldn't see things from my perspective at all.
Chaz: Wow, that's too bad. How did that
make you feel?
Lana: I am frustrated and angry. Maybe
a bit guilty that she had all these plans and I was the one holding them back.
Finally, I told her to do it without me. But that's not right either.
Chaz: Sounds complicated. I bet you
need some time to sort out how you feel about it.
Lana: Yes, I guess I do. Thanks for
listening, I just needed to vent.
“The most basic of
all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to
understand people is to listen.’ (Ralph G. Nichols)[i]
[i] Adapted from:
· “How to Practice Active Listening”
by Arlin Cuncic
· “Reflective Listening V. Active Listening” by Oteam Blog
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