Perfection

 “There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. Some may have to work part-or full-time. Some may work at home. Some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.” (Elder M. Russell Ballard)

“Mom (or dad) guilt” simply means that a parent has persistent feelings of not doing enough in child rearing abilities, not doing the things right, or making decisions that may cause challenges for your children(child) in their future. It can appear at any time (for any length of time).

Some parents feel a dread on their shoulders (or chest), and some feel panicky like they need to fix the problem right now. Mom guilt is the shoulds, the supposed to’s, and the other parents’ successes are moving around in your head as you try to make it through the day. Other moms may struggle to balance their role as a parent with their own needs, and might feel guilty for prioritizing self care or spending time away from their children.

Mom guilt has many origins, which can come from personal insecurities to outside pressures from family, friends, social media, and other sources. Even formal recommendations from doctors and organizations, can create feelings of inadequacy. Some parents live with this constantly and willingly put it on their children. Other parents refuse to be consumed by this sense of inadequacy, and refuse to use it as a parenting technique with their minor (or adult) children.

While some guilt is normal, it becomes a problem when you spend too much time being concerned about the small stuff and losing the larger life perspective. Unchecked guilt can be dangerous by leading to unhealthy behaviors and depression.

If feelings of guilt seem to be taking over or you’re starting to resent your children, take action. Here’s how to start:

Avoid the bragging game: Parents are notorious for bragging about their children, and it’s easy to get caught up in it. Resist the urge to engage since making comparisons often leads to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. The next time some parent wants to compare their children to yours politely change the subject. Remember, you and your child are unique. Embrace the parent you are and the child you have.

Help yourself first: Flight attendants deliver wonderful parenting advice when they remind you to secure your oxygen mask first before assisting your children with theirs. After all, if you can’t breathe, how can you possibly help anyone else? So give yourself a little air by spending time with friends (or alone doing something enjoyable). Keep in mind that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children.

Nurture your relationships: It’s not unusual for your other relationships such as with your partner or friends, to take a backseat when most of your time is spent caring for your children. Spending time with your significant other helps you maintain a strong emotional connection. Children learn to value relationships by watching your example. If you can’t manage a weekly date night, at least set aside some “couple time” daily — even if it’s just a  ten minute time to be together.

Recognize irrational thoughts: A classic example of unhealthy mom guilt is returning to work and worrying incessantly that being away from your baby hurts their development. It doesn’t, and all that doubt only makes you less efficient at both jobs. Trust your caregiver or day-care provider and know that most children thrive and flourish even when both parents work full-time. The truth is returning to work is harder on you than on your baby.

Share your responsibilities: If you have a partner, ask them if they can pitch in on chores that aren’t already on their list so you can carve out a little more “me” time. If you’re single, seek out a network of other moms who are on their own with whom you can share babysitting duties or an empathetic cup of coffee while your munchkins romp nearby. Downtime and friendship are both very beneficial for your mental health.

Surround yourself with supportive people, and ignore the rest: There’s nothing wrong with avoiding people (even relatives) who make you feel guilty or judged. If they are babbling on again about your latest parenting failure, just find an excuse to leave the room. After a couple of times, the person should get the message.

Talk to a professional: If guilt continues to plague your days and prevents you from enjoying your life, you may benefit from talk therapy with a mental health professional. You can also engage with fellow moms online in a community like WhatToExpect.com.

If your child is an adult, here are three things to keep in mind with parental guilt:

Coming to the rescue too quickly: A parent rushing in to fix or solve an adult child's challenges; thwarts the child’s opportunities to develop and practice independent problem-solving skills. This crisis is called “management parenting.” While it can feel rewarding to appropriately help your adult child through a tough time, being an on-call crisis manager leads to a very stressful, drama-filled life.

Neglecting personal physical and emotional needs:  Parents of adult children who are laden with guilt and worry often have poor sleep, unhealthy eating, and problems focusing because they are irrationally shouldering their adult child's struggles. Worrying yourself sick over your adult child will not help him or her.

To start taking care of yourself, you may want to seek out support from a professional counselor or personal coach, friends, spiritually supportive sources, Al-Anon (for family members of those with addiction issues, or NAMI (for family members of those with mental illness). Make sure you see a physician for a health check-up. Also consider using phone apps and/or fitness trackers to monitor your physical health. Several apps are also available for support with practicing mindfulness to manage stress.

Taking on blame for an adult child's struggles and failures: Irrationally blaming yourself for your adult child's struggles will likely lead you to enabling by impulsively solving problems for them. Parents are not perfect. There are many things done as parents that you wish you could do over. Most parents seek to be optimally supportive for their children and provide them with a loving and nurturing home.

Some children faced with adverse family events and trauma have coped and achieved in impressive ways. Other children who are raised with many advantages end up struggling to thrive as adults. To stop irrationally blaming yourself write down on a sheet of paper (or on a digital device) a list of supportive things (big and small) you've done for your child over the years. This is so important because guilt-wracked parents tend to devalue themselves. As you go about writing down what you've done, reflect on things like reading books to your child, playing games and sharing in activities, taking time off from work to attend school functions, and the financial sacrifices you made to benefit your child.

“My hope is that they will remember [Mom] tried (even when she was tired, even when she was stressed). I hope they will know that I did it all for them; that I had every intention of being great, good, and grand, but that some days all I could be was okay.” (Meadoria)[i]

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[i] Adapted from:

·       “Managing Mom Guilt “by Jill Wojslaw

·       “What Is Mom Guilt? Why Being Gentle With Yourself Matters” by Alexandra Frost

This post was inspired by the book, Murder on a Girl’s Night Out (book one from the series, Southern Sisters Mysteries) by Anne George from the quote “my mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.”

The Kinkers with baby Allena