Gifts

 “There are two gifts we should give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” (Happy Childhood)

No matter their age, parenting your children isn’t easy. Children have away of cutting through all the nonsense to get to the heart of a matter. As my daughter, Allena, as an eleven year old with a fill-in-the blank form letter entitled ”Love Letter to My Parents.” I have edited for clarity and ease of reading (as I have tried to remain true to the original letter this was adapted from.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Sometimes, it’s hard to share my feelings with both of you. I’m going through so many changes inside me, and I don’t always know what to say to both of you. I hope this letter helps because I love both of you very much. I probably don’t always say that enough to both of you.

I really appreciate when you both show love to me all the time. I remember a time when you both helped me when I fell down, and I never told you how much that meant to me. I appreciate how patient you’ve both been with me and my many needs.

I have never told you both how much I admire you two for having such big hearts to love me as much as you do. I wish we would not be so mean to each other at times. I guess our biggest struggle is spending family time together. Can we spend time talking about it? I want you to know I am glad both of you are my parents.

Love,

Allena

The young lady from the above letter is now 25 and living in Minneapolis, MN (as she discovers her way to finding her life’s passion). As I search for ways to improve myself as the father of an adult child, below are five ways for any parent can a better relationship with their grown offspring (that they dearly love):

Accept feedback: Relationships strengthen when both parties can accept feedback about how the relationship feels. A parent might tell a child to call earlier in the evening, express frustration at the presence of smartphone use during in-person conversations, or indicate that they’d like their own life asked about during a conversation. An adult child might tell a parent what conversations feel comfortable or uncomfortable or ask that a certain tone be exchanged for a different tone during conversation. Accepting feedback is a cornerstone of healthy relationship management, and it means accepting responsibility for one’s role in hurting or irritating another person.

Learn constructive conflict: Unhealthy conflict styles during childhood can feel hard to revise. Silent treatments, passive aggression, screaming fights, ignoring issues, and guilt trips are just some of the destructive patterns that adversely impact the relationship. Part of taking responsibility for the relationship is each party seeing their role in these conflict cycles and starting to observe how they might respond differently. The steps in these conflict arrangements can shift, but they won’t if the involved parties don’t make a concerted effort to be curious about why familiar arguments keep happening and resolve to learn new ways of being together.

Respect one another’s boundaries: Boundaries go both ways, and parents and children may both feel resentment when the other violates their boundaries. Parents must decide what sort of access adult children have to information and what level of support they are willing to provide. Adult children also must decide what level of privacy and involvement they seek and accept from parents, particularly in the realms of career, relationships, lifestyle, and finance. If parents and children are looking to improve a struggling relationship, both can examine how well they do at respecting each other’s boundaries.

Speak to one another like adults: Having spent decades in communication with each other, parents and adult children risk falling into age-inappropriate communication patterns. Adult children may lapse into speaking and acting younger than they are particularly during disagreements. Parents may lapse into speaking to adult children as though speaking to a child by making inappropriate demands or offering unsolicited advice. If this happens, parents and children can emotionally take a step back and shift into speaking more like adults.

Take responsibility for the relationship: Both parents and adult children hold responsibility for shaping, maintaining, and managing the relationship. That effort includes initiating contact, compromising and negotiating, and finding mutually enjoyable ways to connect. When a child or parent feels entitled to simply wait for the other to apply effort to build and maintain the relationship, resentment can build.

“It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.” (Joyce Maynard)[i]

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[i] Adapted from: “5 Ways Parents and Adult Children Can Improve Their Relationship” by Sarah Epstein

 

Allena was 11 in this picture, and played the violin in the middle school orchestra