Bullies

 “I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me. The tables and chair are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.” (PeanutButterQuotes.com)

Are you a person who clumsily breaks things? Do you often make mistakes? Do you cause damage in situations that require careful thinking or behavior? If these questions describe you, chances are good that you are familiar with the phrase “bull in a china shop.” It is widely believed that the phrase came about from real-life situations, when cattle were brought to the market in London in the seventh century.  The beasts would stray into nearby china shops and played havoc with the store items. The earliest recorded use of this phrase is found in Frederick Marryat's novel, Jacob Faithful, in 1834.

If you find the phrase “bull in a china shop” also true of the way you deal with other people, here are seven ways to go from brutally blunt to helpfully honest:

Be open to other possibilities: What you say is rarely an absolute fact. There are other perspectives, conditions, opinions, and possibilities to consider. When you communicate from this mindset, you are more likely to have an honest dialogue with people instead of a blunt monologue. Stay open to other viewpoints to avoid being blunt.

Develop a sense of timing and watch your tone of voice: Most everyone accepts the value of a positive tone of voice. Yet when some people read the word timing, they assume it means delay. Timing doesn’t always mean delay. There are times you can’t or shouldn’t delay a conversation. However, timing can also mean the pace of your speech.

The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly can sound patronizing. A normal, even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids bluntness. This leads and sustains morale.

Honor people as well as your message: Most bluntness is driven by your needs and the singular focus on what you want to communicate. That’s how it creates trouble. Honor others as well as your message.

In difficult situations, never start a sentence with the word “you”: Imagine saying, “You aren’t doing your job” or “You are failing badly.” Starting with “you” comes across as a blunt attack. It dings morale and breeds a defensive response. Instead, start with “Here’s what we need and this is what we see you doing. Let’s talk about how you see it and how to close the gaps.” Now the person can hear your message, and you can discuss specifics on what to change.

Separate the emotions out of negative situations to avoid being brutally blunt: Say, “I want to put aside my emotion and talk about this situation.” It shows the other person you want to speak honestly without insulting them. However, do not use this intro to justify being blunt. It’s hypocritical. Your words and actions must honor people with honesty rather than bruise them with bluntness.

Think agreement: Thinking about finding common ground reduces your bluntness. Replace negative emotion with positive desires. Ask for what you want instead of rambling on about what you don’t want. It transforms your communication from hurtful and blunt to honest and positive. Helpful honesty produces harmony where insults rarely do. Even if agreement is not your goal, think “yes” and your words will be helpfully honest vs. brutally blunt.

Use a sense of proportion to reduce bluntness: Bluntness, by definition, is the negative extreme of communication. Bluntness is emotion packed. Ask yourself: Why must I use this extreme and inflict scars? What words, with better proportion, can clearly communicate my message?

A person's most useful asset is not a head full of knowledge, but a heart full of love, an ear ready to listen, and a hand willing to help others. “(TheMindsJournal)[i]

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[i] Adapted from:

·       “7 Steps to Go from Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest” by Kate Nasser

·       “A Bull in a China Shop” by Merriam-Webster

·       “What's the origin of the phrase 'a bull in a china shop'? "by Rajiv Bhalla

A bull in a china shop