“Grudges seldom hurt anyone except the one bearing them.” (Sherrilyn Kenyon)
A grudge is a feeling of anger or ill-will
towards someone that lasts past the point where it’s reasonable to be angry. Before
I was on medications for bi-polar anger, I was furious a lot of the time with
what I assumed was justified anger towards people (and events). I had been
known in my past to hold grudges over a variety of matters for years. Grudges
tend to be exhausting to hold, and put a fog over your life that prevents clear
thinking.
Are 99.9% of the grudges worth the emotional
damage they cause the sender (and sometimes the receiver)? My answer is “NO.”
Life is short, and no one knows when the end of their life will happen. It’s
not worth spending the time you have on Earth to spend it being a “grudge
maker.” (I’m not sure that’s a legitimate phrase.) Matthew 6:14-15 (TPT) says
this about grudges: And when you pray, make sure you forgive the faults of others so that
your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you withhold
forgiveness from others, your Father withholds forgiveness from you.
I truly believe at the core of any grudge is
selfishness. When you don’t get things your way, or someone verbally upsets you,
do you hold a grudge? Often, you don’t care (or know) the circumstances behind
why the offender acted as they did? Do you offer grace instead of anger? Many
times you don’t care to take that option. Below are eight helps in ceasing to
hold a grudge:
Acknowledge the problem: Figure out what it
is that’s causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in
order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then
make a choice to move forward from there.
Share your feelings: A grudge can form
when an issue isn’t fully confronted. Without being judgmental about yourself
or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then, decide if this is
something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person
involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the
issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you
may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can
have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue.
Switch places: To get a better
understanding of the other person, try understanding their point of view and
behavior. Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. This doesn’t
justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you
understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is to let go of a
grudge.
A natural response
may be to develop a grudge, or even a hatred of the person who has caused you
pain. The person who holds the grudge always suffers more.
The longer you hold a
grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. You can begin to free
yourself when you begin to forgive. Get a hold of the emotional pain that
happened, and find the strength to let it go.
Accept what is: Choose to create
your own healing with or without an apology. Don’t wait for the person you are
upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and
not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don’t offer an apology, it
doesn’t mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or
may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.
Don’t think about it: Once you have
decided to move on, keep on progressing in your healing. Don’t put too much
thought into the situation, or continuously discuss it. It will only make things
worse, and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation,
change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.
Take the positive: For every negative
situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you
will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to
learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help
you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.
Let it go: Letting go allows
room for peace and happiness. A long lasting grudge will only drain you
physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more
energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.
Forgive: Forgiving doesn’t
mean you will forget the issue. It’s just acknowledging your differences and
accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from.
Forgiving isn’t the easiest thing to do especially when you’ve endured a lot of
hurt and pain, but it’s the only way to truly let go and have peace.
“Grudges are a
waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should, and
let go of what you can't change. “(Drake)[i]
[i] Adapted from:
· “8 Tips to Stop Holding a Grudge” by PsychCentral
· “How to Let Go of Grudges: A Guide to Overcoming
Unfinished Business” by Kindling Zing
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