The Barrier

“It’s not who you are that holds you back. It’s who you think you’re not.”  (Denis Waitley)

Your self-esteem is your true or imagined observation of your self-worth. It can be linked to your physical appearance, or your personal beliefs about your value as a human being. Self-evaluation can be internally or externally derived from what other people think about you. There is a difference between self-image and self-esteem. Simply put, self-image is what other people think of you, and your self-esteem is what you think of yourself. Below are five ways to nurture your self-esteem:

Affirm your real worth-The following exercise has been demonstrated to help revive your self-esteem after it sustained a blow: Make a list of qualities you have that are meaningful in the specific context. For example, if you failed to get a work promotion, list qualities that make you a valuable employee (you have a strong work ethic or are responsible). Then choose one of the items on your list and write a brief essay (one to two paragraphs) about why the quality is valuable and likely to be appreciated by other people in the future. Do the exercise every day for a week or whenever you need a self-esteem boost.

Eliminate self-criticism and introduce self-compassion- Unfortunately, when your self-esteem is low, you are likely to damage it even further by being self-critical. Since your goal is to enhance your self-esteem, you need to substitute self-criticism (which is almost always entirely useless) with self-compassion.

Whenever your self-critical inner monologue kicks in, ask yourself what you would say to a dear friend if they were in your situation (you tend to be much more compassionate to friends than you are to yourself) and direct those comments to yourself. Doing so will avoid damaging your self-esteem further with critical thoughts, and help build it up instead.

 

Identify your competencies and develop them-Self-esteem is built by demonstrating real ability and achievement in areas of your lives that matter to you. If you pride yourself on being a good cook, throw more dinner parties. If you’re a good runner, sign up for races and train for them. In short, figure out your core competencies and find opportunities and careers that accentuate them.  

Learn to accept compliments-One of the trickiest aspects of improving self-esteem is that when you feel bad about yourself you tend to be more resistant to compliments (even though that is when you most need them). Set yourself the goal to tolerate compliments when you receive them, even if they make you uncomfortable (and they will).

The best way to avoid the reflexive reactions of batting away compliments is to prepare simple set responses and train yourself to use them automatically whenever you get good feedback (e.g., “Thank you” or “How kind of you to say”). In time, the impulse to deny compliments will fade, which will also be a nice indication your self-esteem is getting stronger.

Use positive affirmations correctly-Positive affirmations such as “I am going to be a great success.” are extremely popular, but they have one critical problem — they tend to make people with low self-worth feel worse about their self. Why? Because when your self-esteem is low such declarations are simply too contrary to your existing beliefs.

Positive affirmations do work for one subset of people — those whose self-esteem is already high. For affirmations to work when your self-esteem is lagging, twist them to make them more believable. For example, change “I’m going to be a great success!” to “I’m going to persevere until I succeed.”

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” (Jean Shinoda Bolen)[i]

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[i] Adapted from:

·        “Self Esteem & Self Image—what’s The Difference & Why Does It Matter?” by Kathy Gottberg

·        “What Is Self-Esteem? 5 Questions to Ask Yourself” by Sarah-Len Mutiwasekwa