“Being [a] human means having doubts, and yet still continuing on your path.” (Paulo Coelho)
Below is a truthful (raw) letter
written by a pastor’s wife to the body of Christ, the church. I know any
pastor’s wife reading this could have written it, but I pray it will encourage
you to know you aren’t alone.
I find it amazing that some people think
we are living “the dream.” They think our life is perfect and is without trials
and tribulations. Or they think that if we have trials and tribulations, then
we have some spiritual “inside secret” that gets us through.
Wouldn’t they be shocked to know that we
also struggle with the problems of today and with the uncertainties of
tomorrow? We struggle in our marriage and with our children. We struggle with
past regrets, anxiety, depression, and fear. We worry about our own family and
our church family. We wonder what we did to turn people away. We blame
ourselves when the church is not doing well. We question ourselves, and even at
times we question God (a human habit).
We, like you, have feelings and our
feelings get hurt, just like yours do. Too often we take things personally,
whether it was meant to hurt us or not, and it usually does. And when we open
up and talk to people, who we think are close to us, who we think may actually
get us; we find they don’t understand us at all. A typical answer in response
to letting people see and know the reality of ministry is, “But you’re so
blessed” or “Don’t you know that God will take care of you?” Or they will brush
you off because they don’t really want to admit that you have feelings and that
you’re human. Or even worse, they pass judgment on you because of the mess, and
use it against you later.
So, in time, we have learned to keep to
ourselves and continue on quietly and try to appear to be what everyone expects
us to be. We smile through the pain and depression. We pretend that we don’t
have the same struggles that others have. We say all the right “religious”
things, because anything other than that makes people uncomfortable. We will do
this for you, but when we can no longer hold it together and we lose it or we
leave the ministry, please remember that we really tried to open our hearts to
you, but you wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t share our burden, or try to reach
out and help us.
And maybe you feel we have in some way or
another let you down, not encouraged you, or been there for you. Perhaps we
said the wrong things or you felt we didn’t value you or your opinion. We never
wanted you to feel anything from us other than love, compassion, and care. We
have prayed over your souls. We have counseled you, as you would call on us. We
have offered to help when we knew there was a need. We have been there for many
of you when there were death beds, sick beds, and trials that you felt would
overtake you. Are we no different? Are we not in need of support and
encouragement as well? I tell you we are. We are discouraged and questioning
God’s will. We are tired and ache when we see the unfaithfulness and lack of
commitment in our church. We give and give until we have nothing left to give
and then we give up. We quit. We leave and you wonder why.
Christy
P.S.
I pray our churches will become aware of the fact that pastors’ wives are
people too. Please know we are here to walk with you on your ministry journey.[i]
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