Emotional baggage is any unresolved emotional turmoil caused by trauma, abusive relationships, or any childhood negative experience. Having emotional baggage from past relationships is extremely normal. It teaches you many things from helping manage expectations, discovering what you want in relationships, and teaches you how to cope with pain and rejection.
Emotional baggage could be holding you back. It
is a destructive force (both internally and externally). Emotional baggage zaps
energy, undermines self-esteem, and puts a wedge between you and the people
that matter most. It can be healed, but it is a process that takes time,
commitment, and much personal willpower.
The healing is possible within each and every
one of you, but you must learn how to accept things as they are, live in the
present moment, and forgive yourself for what you cannot change. By incorporating
a few basic practices into your life, you can make major changes in healing the
pain of your past.
Acceptance is
everything-If you truly want to be happy,
you have to start practicing radical self-acceptance daily. This starts with
accepting yourself for whom and what you are, but it ends with accepting the
people around you as they are, and your past for what it was. If you want to
heal, acceptance is everything, but it’s often one of the hardest skills for
you to accomplish. Stop complaining about the things that happened in your
past, and start finding solutions for the future.
If you attracted serial cheaters and abusers, look
inside and find what it is that’s attracted you to those qualities and heal it.
When you complain, you waste your energy. If you’re going to direct your power
anywhere, direct it toward things you can change (like the future instead of
wasting it on the past). Learn how to let the beauty of life back in, and
understand that you are imperfect. Allow for mistakes, and the time and space
you need to accept the things that caused you distress. A little distance will
help you let go, but only acceptance can set you free. Give yourself that by
learning how to accept what was, what is, and what comes next.
Learn how to
forgive yourself-Holding on to resentment
(no matter who it’s directed at) will leave you stuck in a cycle of negativity.
You have to
forgive yourself in order to escape the shame-loop that keeps
you gridlocked in your self-destructive patterns, but you have to do it
thoroughly and from the ground level. It’s okay to feel guilty, and that you’ve
messed up. What separates the good from the bad is recognizing those challenges
and coming back from them in a way that allows others to forgive you, while
giving you the understanding you need to forgive yourself.
There’s a difference between guilt and shame, but
neither serve you long-term. Learn how to forgive yourself and your past.
Practicing forgiveness allows you to connect with your loving nature, and help
you accept the one thing that you struggle to accept, which is your humanity.
This is the one thing that makes you the flawed, fragile, and beautiful person
that you are. Whether knowing or unknowing, give yourself the forgiveness you
need to bloom. No one else can give it to you so stop denying yourself.
Learn how to
live in the present-Bring your thoughts to the
present by focusing on this moment alone. You can’t change anything in the
past, but you can change things right now so why don’t you? Find a quiet space
and focus on who you are right now in this exact moment. Appreciate where
you’ve come from, and focus in on the strengths that you’ve got right this
moment.
Remember that you are not your past, and though
someone may have held you over you then, you’re the only person that can do it
now. Start making choices for yourself from this moment forward. No one else
can direct your future unless you allow them to. If you’re too focused on the
past, it makes it impossible to see the way ahead. Be mindful of who you are,
how you’re feeling, and what you need. Communicate those needs and be honest
with yourself in this current moment. After all, it’s the only one you have.
Resume control
of your thoughts-When you’re not living in
the present moment, it’s easy for your thoughts to become bogged down with
negativity. In order to overcome the challenges and traumas of your past, you
have to learn how to take
control of your thinking again. Learning how to master
your thoughts is how you learn how to master your emotions. Whenever you feel
your mind slipping back into that negative, fearful place, stop it in its
tracks and turn that thinking around. Remind your brain that your present is
not your past, and your loved one is not the abusive monster lurking on the
edge of your nightmares. Try to replace the negative thoughts with positive
ones, and focus on the present moment and what you can do to generate happiness
and joy in your life.
Recognize thought-loops when they start and ask
yourself probing questions about why you feel the way you do. Release your
judgments about your current situation, and practice a little gratitude for the
distance you’ve come today. If you can’t replace your negative thoughts for
positive ones, then at least replace them with something rational. Focusing on
the bad will never bring you the good, so center in on actions you can take to
correct whatever is going wrong and move forward confidently.
Spend ten minutes
detaching each day-If you’re someone with a list of
traumas under your belt, it can often feel like you’re
drowning in all the cast-off negative emotions of those who used you. One way
to combat this is to spend a little time each day detaching from the hurt and
pain of past experiences. Tell yourself that you are not responsible for
carrying the pain of others anymore, and give yourself the freedom to break
free of the toxic emotional chains of those who took you for granted.
You are little more than a summation of your
experiences. You are not your experiences. There’s a difference, and it takes
space to see and understand that. You can use affirmations or journaling to get
started. Takes notes about how you feel now, versus how you felt then, and try
to look at each situation through the eyes of an impartial third party. If
someone from the outside (someone with compassion and love for you) saw the situation,
what would they think?
Write a letter-Sometimes, the experiences of your past require resolution, but you don’t always get that resolution from the people that hurt you. Writing a letter can be a great way to get the resolution you need, while avoiding the stress of conflict. While you can send the letter, you can also burn it, bury it, or just throw it away. Writing a letter to the pain of your past is a great way to get your thoughts out loud and clear, while also providing yourself with the clarity you need to move forward. Get everything out of your head. Putdown every single bit of hurt you need to say to your past.
Give your pain permission to come
forward and yourself authorization to let it out. Don’t hold back. Say what you
need to say and stop worrying about protecting anyone but the fragile, broken
soul you’ve buried deep down inside. Writing (or journaling) can be an
exceptional way to get in touch with your pain rationally. It can also reveal
some epic truths to you. When you write, you allow yourself to open up in a way
that isn’t always possible with other people. Say what you need to say and get
the closure that you need so that you can find your happiness again. You don’t
owe anything to your past, but you are indebted to your future.
“You can’t possibly embrace that new relationship, that new
companion, that new career, that new friendship, or that new life you want,
while you’re still holding on to the baggage of the last one. Let go… and allow
yourself to embrace what is waiting for you right at your feet.” (Steve
Maraboli)[i]
[i] Sources used:
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“Emotional baggage: 6 signs you have it and
how to let it go” by Genefe Navilon
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