Conscious listening is a way of
being intentionally present to recognize
another’s presence
in the relationship you have with them. As
a tool, it’s a way to manage the energies you bring to your communications so
that you remain aware of what is going on inside of you with your feelings and
thoughts. It’s not possible to care
for someone else without willingness to give the gift of listening.
If you’re not genuinely listening to someone, sooner or later they will stop
listening to you.
In
conscious communication, both talking and listening skills matter and work
together, serving to provide an emotional experience that allows each person to
feel safe enough to grow a quality relationship in which key emotional needs (not
wants…) are expressed, mutually valued – and met through natural giving
– from a place of love and joy, and not fear, shame or guilt. Every human being needs to listen consciously
in order to live fully. Here are some ways to listen (and communicate)
consciously:
Be accepting. Unconditional
acceptance means letting go of judgments of the other as a person. Judging
sets a competitive tone that turns conversations into competitions for who is
superior and who is inferior. There are no
winners in these competitions when it comes to family relationships. To
stop being judgmental, practice the following: consciously separate the worth
and value of a person from their actions or behaviors.
While it’s necessary to assess and think of
what behaviors are harmful versus enriching, when you attack or condemn a person’s
character, you are literally striking lethal blows to the relationship you have
(or had). It’s just human nature. Relationships follow laws of physics, such
as: For every action there
is an equal and opposite reaction. Although common, it’s unrealistic
to attack a person’s worth or capacity as a person, and then expect them to
change their behavior, or even thank and love you more.
People tend to live up to expectations, and you
wonder why. Be accepting and believe in others instead. It’s much more powerful
than judging. Focus on giving unconditional acceptance instead.
Be an empathic presence (and responder). To resolve conflict,
regardless how intense the disagreement, you need to be willing and open to
listening empathically. This allows you to remain connected to your
compassion. Place yourself in the other’s shoes, and really look at the
world from their perspective, understanding his or her feelings. What is the
underlying message? This does not mean you need to agree. Just see the world
from where they are.
Every communication is a bid for connection.
Responses are powerful in that they let the other know whether you are
empathically connected or not. When your response communicates you’re not
connected to place where you seek to understand the other, you send a message
that you do not care. Emotions directly affect your and their physiology, thus
your communication. When you are not present, the other feels disconnected in
relation to you.
Be focused on
understanding not responding. Many people have trouble opening up and sharing their
opinions or experiences—doing so leaves you vulnerable to judgment or
rejection. Make sure that when you’re listening, you create a feeling of
acceptance and not judgment. You want the speaker to feel safe in sharing.
Focus your attention on hearing and understanding what is being said instead of
planning how you will respond when it’s your turn to speak. People can tell if
you’re not paying attention to them.
Interact with the speaker. One
great way to demonstrate that you’re listening is to rephrase and repeat a
point the speaker has made. Doing so will show that you are actively thinking
about what the other person is saying. Similarly, you should ask questions that
help move the narrative along (“So what happened next?”) or clarify the
person’s point (“In what sense?” or “How?”). When you ask intelligent
questions, you signal your interest and also help encourage the speaker.
Paraphrasing or repeating back what you say
allows you to clarify meanings and understand the other. Asking for
addition information not only helps you to better understand the other, it also
sends a positive underlying message that “I want to know and value your
perspective.” Nothing warms the heart more than sending a message that you
value the other by valuing their viewpoint.
Listen without
fixing. One common
mistake people make in communication is that they’re too quick to try to solve
the other person’s problem instead of simply listening to them. Most people are
not looking for a critique of their situation or an analysis of their options.
They just want someone to empathize—to see things from their perspective. When
someone opens up to you, avoid offering advice unless they ask for it. In most
cases, he or she is just looking for someone to listen and understand. Be the
person who listens to understand.
Listening is critical to healthy
relationships. Listening is perhaps
the most critical component of effective communication. That’s because you are
hardwired with emotion-drives that propel you to feel known,
heard, understood, and valued. Aspects of your overarching drive to do more
than merely survive life, to also thrive, to matter and meaningfully connect in
relation to life around you. In fact, your drive to thrive in life is also
critical to your physical health and survival as stress directly impacts your
emotional, mental and physical in negative ways.
Maintain
eye contact. When someone is
speaking to you, he or she should have your full attention. There’s nothing
more annoying than trying to have a conversation with someone who’s checking a
phone or looking around the room—doing so shows great disrespect to the
speaker.
The good listener keeps his or her eyes on the other
person. If you find your gaze wandering at any point, try alternating your
vision between the speaker’s two eyes—focusing on one for a few moments, and
then shifting to the other. It’s a simple trick like that can help you avoid
distractions in your peripheral vision.
Show your
attention through body language. It’s difficult to speak to someone who just stares blankly
at you and gives no indication that he or she is registering what you’re
saying. When someone is communicating with you, signal your attention and
interest through your body language.
0Lean forward, smile, and nod
occasionally to encourage the speaker to continue—this shows interest. On the other
hand, leaning back in your seat, crossing your arms over your chest, or staring
at the floor tells the other person that you have little interest or openness
in what he or she is saying.
Train your mind to listen with an open heart.
Listening
is the part you tend to find most challenging. Conscious listening is
incomparably more powerful than force. Failing to see this, you often rely on
defensive tactics instead, which are punitive ways and energy-wasting ways of
“fighting” to be heard, understood, appreciated. You do not realize the extent
to which these actions are keeping you from getting the love and connection you
yearn for in your key relationships.
You need a way of listening with an open
heart, in which you consciously choose to treat one another with dignity, thus,
consciously avoid judgments, accusations, blame, and other anxiety-provoking
responses. Your brain is hardwired for change. It’s known as plasticity. At any
time you choose, and want to do so, you can
learn skills and develop your capacity to be intentionally present to listen
with your heart, more specifically: to focus on understanding what the other says,
such as their positive intentions, not just their words; to be willing to let
go of and suspend judgments or doubts; to practice listening objectively, for
feelings, emotion-drives, and positive intentions.
“You have to be willing sometimes to listen to some remarkable bad opinions. Because if you say to someone, ‘that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard; get on out of here!’ Then you'll never get anything out of that person again, and you might as well have a puppet on a string or a robot.” (John Bryan)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Conscious Communication,
2 of 2: Five Attributes of Conscious-Listening” By
·
“Conscious Listening: 5 Ways to Listen Better” by
Dan Nielsen
·
“Unquestionable Habits of a Great Listener” by Matthew Kelly
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