If
you grew up with a toxic parent, a toxic sibling or other close family member,
you are likely more vulnerable to toxic relationships as an adult. If you grew
up with your feelings and emotional needs inadequately met, you probably
developed the belief that your feelings and needs didn’t matter.
Those
who deliver the toxins don’t often realize what’s happening either. Many are
simply continuing ways of relating that they learned in their own childhoods
from parents who treated them this way, failed to set the limits they needed,
or emotionally poisoned them. Here are some ways you can know if you’re in a
toxic relationship?
§ When you see the
person, you come away feeling negative about yourself
§ You are plagued by
guilt in the relationship
§ The other person is
focused mostly on getting his own needs met
§ You often feel
manipulated or controlled or shamed
§ The other person
repeatedly hurts you, and then expects you to act as if nothing happened
Here are some strategies to detoxify a toxic relationship
1.
Be cordial: Your new strategy is
cordiality. Being cordial is a way to be respectful while also communicating
boundaries. Being cordial communicates a new, yet respectful distance and
self-protection that your person may feel, but will not be able to defeat.
Being cordial gives you the upper hand in a healthy, non-toxic way.
2.
Become more self-focused: You direct all that
care toward yourself. It’s very likely that caring too little about yourself
made you vulnerable to your person in the first place so doing the opposite
will help protect you. Begin to think more about how you feel and what you
need. Accept that you deserve to be treated fairly, respectfully and honestly at
all times by all people, and that anything less is unacceptable.
3.
Distancing: This can be done
either emotionally or physically, or preferably both. Spend less time with your
person or call less frequently. Set up your internal boundary to protect yourself
from hurtful comments or actions. Please know that sometimes boundaries aren’t
enough, and you may need to walk away to save yourself.
4.
Hold them responsible for their actions: Be sure to do this in
your own mind. This involves no longer letting your person off the hook for
toxic actions. When you feel hurt, get angry, and your anger will help you
blame your person for hurting you instead of blaming yourself.
5.
Live well: You can’t change the
other half of your toxic relationship. And if it’s someone who will always be
in your life, then your goal is to thrive in spite of the toxins. So make good
choices and protect yourself. Strive for growth and empowerment in every area
of your life. Be the caring and loving person to yourself and others that your
toxic person cannot be. This will be your version of revenge.
6.
Never let them pull you down to their level: This is so vital
because fighting back at their level will not work for you. You will end up
feeling responsible, and on top of that you will lose. Going down to a toxic
level has never strengthened or empowered anyone. So always be above-board and
reasonable in the relationship. It is the necessary platform for your own
strength.
7.
Stop caring so much: Part of your vulnerability to the toxins is that
you care too much what the toxic person thinks and feels about you. You
can lower your care and concern without your person being aware so this is a
great way to protect yourself.
8.
Stop falling for games and manipulations: Once you realize that someone is toxic, it’s
time to start trying to identify their individual ways of controlling you. Do
they use guilt? Make unfounded accusations? Do they compare you to someone else
as a way to motivate you? Do they twist the truth to their own benefit?
Deny things they have clearly done?
Turn others against you? Play the victim? These are just a few toxic
manipulations that you must become aware of so that you can stop participating.
Once you can see them happening, they do not affect you the same way. You can take
your power back.
“Once
you let go of negative people, positive ones appear.”
(Anonymous)[i]
[i] Sources used:
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