You’re lying in bed snuggled up against that body of your man next to you. You’re furious with hurt and irritation. You haven’t been touched or reached for in more months than you care to count. You’ve gone through the typical exercises of seduction, friendship and caring only to have been rejected and thwarted repeatedly. Your mind has assessed all of the possibilities available to you. Emotionally aching, you withdraw and the situation becomes confusing and frustrating.
You are not alone! This story repeats itself in many bedrooms all across America. Your natural impulse is to blame yourself. What am I doing wrong? What can I do right? Just as we can never make anyone love us. We can’t make someone want to have sex with us either.
What are the reasons your man has stopped having sex with you? If you find yourself rejected and in a sexless marriage or relationship without touching, hugging or kissing, without the comfort of the words “I love you,” it may not have anything to do with you. You need to have a one-on-one conversation with your partner about what you’re experiencing (or not experiencing), and your feelings about it. There are over 20 million marriages in the United States just like yours. There are several other possible reasons why a man isn’t initiating sex:
1.
Affairs:
When there is a change in a man’s desire without apparent good reason, he might
be having an affair. Certainly, affairs can start because of sexual
frustration, but they are often a complicated solution to seemingly unsolvable
problems within the primary relationship. Within a relationship committed to
fidelity, sexual acting out can take a variety of forms, including a love
affair, a one-night stand, online chatting, sexting, and escorts.
They may result in the man not
wanting sex with his partner either out of guilt or satiety. While an
affair can destroy a relationship, it is possible that partners in the primary
relationship could examine what the affair means, why it started, and find a
stronger relationship together.
2.
Boredom:
While women typically respond best to a slow sexual approach, the truth is sometimes
men want to just do it when they feel the urge. With a body full of
testosterone, they are sexual kindling to the sexual stimuli all around. It can
be discouraging when they have a female partner who cannot fathom what it feels
like to ignite instantaneously. When a man hears his partner’s complaint of all
you want is sex, it can feel like male-bashing.
The truth is he desperately wants
sex, and is physiologically programmed to want sex. He wants sex
with her specifically, his partner, to express both desire and love. Occasionally,
men need pure lust: They’d love an aggressive partner, and want an uninhibited
encounter that is wild and free.
3.
Low Testosterone: Most men have a great supply of testosterone all their
lives. When desire wanes, and the man’s experience is different than earlier in
his relationship, it’s time to go to the doctor. Sometimes there are serious health issues that
cause low testosterone. Often a man’s testosterone levels fall for unknown
reasons, which leads to reduced desire.
4.
No Attraction:
Sometimes a man does lose attraction for his partner and no longer want to have
sex with her. It’s important to remember that in a long-term relationship,
attraction is a complex emotion. It’s a mix of visual pleasure and sexual
chemistry as well as feelings about the relationship like how well you get
along, being able to relax together, and being respected.
Loss of attraction can also be a
psychological defense. If a man is feeling suffocated in the relationship, he
may experience a loss of attraction as a way to create some space and avoid the
closeness that sex brings. A man may feel deeply
disappointed in the normal and inevitable physical changes in his partner,
which are threatening his own sense of mortality.
5.
Performance Anxiety:
Many men believe their status as a lover is determined by their ability to get,
and maintain, a firm erection. Regardless of whether he feels desire, if a man
has problems doing this, or if he has trouble lasting a fair time during
intercourse, he may hesitate to initiate. Unfortunately, women can misinterpret
these problems as attraction problems and become critical or reactive, which
just complicates the dynamic further.
6.
Self-Sufficiency:
Whether to escape the vulnerability of being the initiator or simply to take a
break from depending on another to meet their sexual needs, some men prefer
masturbating over partnered sex. Often they use porn because it’s
easy, it’s exciting, and it’s efficient.
And it spares them the sexual
negotiation with a partner that can feel exhausting. Even when their partner
wants sex more than they do, a man might withhold sex out of an unconscious
need for the independence of sexual isolation.
“Rejection
doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It means the other person failed to notice
what you have to offer.” (Mark
Amend)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“6
Reasons Why a Man May Not Want Sex” by Laurie Watson
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