Many people hope that once they leave home that they will leave their family and childhood problems far behind. However, many individuals find that they experience similar feelings and relationship patterns long after they have left the family environment. Children growing up in such families are likely to develop low self esteem and feel that their needs are not important.
When parents start behaving like adults, the problem of dysfunctional families becomes a solution. They will focus on the problems without stopping for a moment to acknowledge that they might be the cause of what is happening, All the toxic traits of a dysfunctional family tend to come as a package deal (like a bunch of rotten bananas).
1.
Dysfunctional
families are breeding grounds for abuse: Abuse
comes in physical, sexual, verbal abuse. Physical and sexual abuse is crimes
and emotional abuse is not. It may be because emotional abuse is difficult to
prove. Children can suffer from all
sorts of different mental health issues, from mild depression and anxiety all
the way up to acute psychosis. A
child’s mental health problems are almost always a reflection of the
dysfunction in which they live.
2.
Dysfunctional
families constantly about everything: If you grew up
in a family full of arguers, you think it’s normal. It isn’t. Plenty of parents
argue, which is not inherently problematic. The problem comes when the parents
do not have the presence of mind to argue away from their children. In mentally
ill families, this is always a major issue. If you are 8 years old, and your
parents are always screaming at one another, how are you supposed to learn healthy
communication?
The kids end up
arguing as much with the adults as they argue with themselves, and the adults
end up arguing with the children. Have adult conversations in private. If you
don’t have the presence of mind to perform this one simple task, please refrain
from procreating. Arguing in front of children is both mentally and verbally
abusive and sends a terrible signal about how they should handle conflict. What
parents fail to realize is that arguing serves two very different purposes
depending on your age. For adults, arguing is an ineffective way to express
one’s viewpoint about why the other person is wrong. For kids, the sole purpose
of arguing is to elicit an emotional response from you. The moment you yell,
you’ve lost.
3.
Dysfunctional
families keep secrets: Incest tends to
get passed down from one generation to another. Could you imagine letting a sex
offender near your child? It happens all the time. Family members are the ones
who are most likely to be the perpetrator. Parents often fail to take
responsibility for the safety of their children, because they are prideful and
way too concerned about what their neighbors might think. To acknowledge there
is a problem, is to admit there is actually
a problem. Instead, the secret keepers keep quiet and they forbid their
children to talk about it as if silence erases trauma.
When the kids start to act out or engage in self-harm, the
parents fail to put the blame on themselves for not protecting their child.
This attitude is often multi-generational. People inherit many things from
their parents like eye color and skin pigment. We also tend to inherit abstract
things like religious beliefs, culture, and political persuasions. Some
families pass down rape and incest. If
you’ve grown up in a family of secret-keepers, you know how they can destroy.
4.
Dysfunctional
families never accept responsibility: Have you ever
met a person who was never, at fault for anything? No matter the circumstance
they are the victim. It was the other person who started it. It was the other
person who was wrong. People like this are experts in blame shifting and
denial, and you will never hear them say they are sorry. Good parents always
make a point of modeling positive behaviors even if it means admitting they
were wrong. Some people think apologies are a sign of weakness, but the
opposite is true.
Adults always take
responsibilities for their actions. How can we reasonably expect our children
to accept consequences if we don’t apply that same standard to ourselves? This
is an issue though that is far greater than saying you’re sorry. Parents who
never accept responsibility themselves are also the ones who undermine
disciplinary measures at school. They make up excuses. They justify bad
behaviors.
5.
Dysfunctional
families treat children like adults: Firm boundaries
are a critical feature of healthy families. One of these boundaries is a
concept we call “Role Performance.” In the most basic terms, adults are
supposed to act like adults and children are supposed to act like children. In
dysfunctional families, these roles are often blurred. In dysfunctional
families, parents tend to expose their children to things that are not
appropriate for their age.
To the casual observer, “mature” children seem ideal.
However, when we require children to perform adult duties, they inevitably fall
victim to anxiety and distress because they lack the skills, wisdom, and
emotional stability to deal with the inherent stress. Adults who get
overwhelmed with stress tend to have relatively sophisticated coping skills.
Children with behavioral disorders such as
oppositional-defiance are responding to the stresses of age-inappropriate roles
and responsibilities. It’s totally fine to assign tasks to children, provided
they are developmentally appropriate. Adolescents should be expected to keep
their rooms clean. Teenagers should be expected to complete homework
assignments, do yard work, and provided limited supervision for younger
children. Even toddlers can be assigned age-appropriate chores.
“On top of the abuse and neglect, denial heaps more hurt upon the child
by requiring the child to alienate herself from reality and her own experience.
In troubled families, abuse and neglect are permitted; it’s the talking about
them that is forbidden.” (Marcia Sirota)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Here Are 5 Unbelievably Toxic Things Good Parents
Never Do” by Randy Withers
·
“Understanding
Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns in Your Family” by Counseling Center
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