It's not always easy to identify assertive behavior. There's a difference between assertiveness and aggression. People can often confuse the two. Let’s define the two behaviors so that we can understand them:
Aggressive behavior is based on winning. You do what is in your own best interest without regard for the needs of other people. When you're aggressive, you may come across as a bully. You take what you want without asking.
Assertiveness
is based on balance. It requires being forthright about your needs while still
considering the rights of others. When you're assertive, you are self assured,
and get your point across firmly, fairly and with empathy. If you need to be
more assertive, here are three simple ideas to get you
started:
1.
Express your needs
and feelings: Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you
need. You have to tell them. Be specific, clear, honest and respectful. Focus
on the real issue, not the minutiae. In other words, “are you really angry that
the toilet seat was left up or that you were up with the baby five times the
night before?” If it’s the baby — and it likely is — be clear and specific: “I
am upset that I was up with the baby five times last night and need for you to
get up at least twice a night.”
2.
Let go of guilt: Being assertive can be tough especially if you’ve been
passive most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. Remember
that being assertive is vital to your well-being. .Assertive behavior that
involves advocating for oneself in a way that is respectful of others is not
wrong. It is healthy self-care.
Sometimes, you might be unwittingly perpetuating your guilty feelings
with negative thoughts.
Replace
negative thoughts — such as ‘I am a bad person for not loaning my friend money’
— with a positive mantra such as ‘I deserve to have financial stability and not
put myself in jeopardy.” Deep breathing
also helps ease your anxiety. Breathe in what you need — peace, strength,
serenity — and breathe out feelings of shame. And if you still feel
uncomfortable, put yourself in a compassionate parent or best friend’s shoes.
Sometimes it is easier to think about speaking up for somebody else, who we
love than it is for ourselves,
3.
Start small: You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a
manual. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Be assertive in
mildly tense situations such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at
a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your
spouse about character issues.
“The basic difference between being
assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviors affect the rights
and well being of others.” (Sharon Anthony Bower)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 Tips to Increase Your Assertiveness” by Margarita Tartakovsky
·
“How to Be Assertive” by
MindTools
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