Emotion Coaching is a process that helps children learn how emotions work, and how to behave in healthy ways when their feelings are strong. All emotions serve a purpose, and need to be expressed. It also teaches the skills that help children to thrive both socially and academically. Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, deveoped emotion coaching.
Children are guided through their experiences of emotions,
which aid them in problem solving. Children are emotional beings and need to
express themselves. Becoming an Emotion Coach allows a parent to nurture their
entire child. Children who believe their feelings are important have high
self-esteem. They have the ability to control and regulate their responses to a
variety of experiences. Gottman broke down the emotion
coaching into five steps below that teach children
about feelings so they can make better choices:
1.
Be aware of
emotions: Emotion coaching requires parents to become aware of their child’s
emotions as well as their own emotions. Allowing yourself and your child the
freedom to feel any emotion is the heart of emotion coaching.
Feelings are okay, and no one should be judged or criticized
for feeling a certain way. Pay attention to the ways in which your child
responds to emotions such as anxiety, sadness, anger, and excitement. Look for
cues, such as body language, facial gestures, and behavioral changes.
2.
Connect with
your child: Instead of turning away when a child has a tantrum to ignore
the behavior. Emotion coaching recommends direct instruction.
Encourage your child to recognize his emotions. Help him verbalize his
feelings. Intervene when you notice they are becoming upset so guidance can be
offered, and misbehavior prevented. Don’t try to fix your child’s negative
emotions but show him that it is normal to have lots of different kinds of
feelings.
3.
Listen to your
child: Listening to a child is an essential part of emotion
coaching. Validate your child’s feelings and show them that you accept their
feelings. Show that you take your child’s emotions seriously. Avoid saying
things like, "Quit worrying. It's not a big deal," because your
child's challenges are a big deal to them.
4.
Name emotions: Help
your child learn how to recognize and verbalize their feelings. Don’t try to
tell him what they should be feeling. Instead of saying, "Don't be
scared," point out how they appear to be feeling to validate that their
feelings are okay. Labeling your child's feelings will increase their emotional
vocabulary. When you show your child you understand how they feel, they'll put
less energy into trying to show you that's their upset.
5.
Find solutions: Emotion
coaching focuses on preventing
misbehavior when possible. When a child
is entering into a situation where their likely to become easily frustrated,
help them identify ways to manage their frustration ahead of time. When your
child misbehaves, encourage them to identify that feeling that led to the
behavior.
Let children develop their own creative solutions. If your
child throws things when they get angry, sit down together and create a list of
other things they could do when their mad. Catch your child being good as often
as possible, and use praise
to encourage positive behavior.
Set limits when necessary by using discipline techniques such as logical
consequences or time
out.
“You are your child's
emotional coach. It's up to you to help children to talk about their feelings,
label them, & feel understood.” (Dr. John
Gottman)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Are You an
Emotion Coaching Parent?” by Melissa Benaroya
·
“How to Use Emotion Coaching With Your Children” by Amy Morin, LCSW
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