Couples argue. It's inevitable. And if you're one of those people who say, "We never fight," you're most likely either in the blissful bubble of a new relationship or there may be some larger underlying problems causing one or both parties to not push back. The way you fight is far more important than what you fight about.
Most of us have learned how to argue, and get our point across. We have watched the people around us, and have developed our own style and way of disagreeing. Families and support systems can play a part in the development of arguing style. Most of us were not taught specifically how to engage in conflicts with others in a productive manner. It may seem difficult at first to curb your behavior. These are only a few of the many tips with relational communication that can cause individuals to emotionally flourish rather than to erode:
1.
No name calling: Using
name-calling, profanity and negative labels cannot is not allowed. If you make
these words off-limits during an argument, it cuts down on hurt feelings that
are harder to fix later.
This may be
difficult at first and may leave you feeling like you do not have any defense,
but it helps with cutting back on the erosion of the relationship while trying
to communicate with each other.
2.
No time traveling: Try to stay in the present and resist the temptation to
bring up other issues from the past, either mentioned or unmentioned. Bringing
up the past distracts from the current issue and also interferes with the
possibility of solving the current issue.
If you get off-topic, try to stop and get back
on track. If you do find yourself bringing up issues from the past, it is
likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Moving
forward, try to resolve issues in the present.
3.
No yelling (raising your voice):
Yelling can be subjective. What may seem like yelling to one person may not be
yelling to you and perhaps you are not tuned in to how you sound? Possibly
you grew up in a family where loud fighting was considered passionate and a
good thing.
Your spouse’s
experience is the one that counts and if it feels like yelling to your spouse
then it is important to pay attention to it. The quality of communication
depends on how it is landing with the other person. If you do not lower your
voice, then it can interfere with the communication process.
4.
Use “I” Statements: An
“I” statement is one of how “you” feel when something happens. The statement is
meant to avoid assigning blame, and not accuse. An example of an “I”
message might be, “I felt very hurt when I wasn’t asked about my new job. I was
looking forward to talking about it with you.”
5.
Use time outs if needed : When
a disagreement gets heated, all perspective is lost. Neither party is able to
think in a logical manner. The situation is not solved in a productive manner.
Time-outs can be useful in these situations. They are not to be used as control
or as a way to get back at your partner.
They should be
used as a time to try to cool-off and gain perspective. If your thoughts continue to swirl and spin about the issue, try some deep breathing
and coping skills to distract from the argument in your head. Time-outs can
lead to more successful and fairer fighting. (Time outs are not just for
children.)
“Make no mistake: Satan’s
specialty is psychological warfare. If he can turn us on God (“It’s not
fair!”), or turn us on others (“It’s their fault!”), or turn us on ourselves
(“I’m so stupid!”), we won’t turn on him. If we keep fighting within ourselves
and losing our own inner battles, we’ll never have the strength to stand up and
fight our true enemy.” (Beth Moore)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 Tips to Fight Fair in Your Relationship” by Ravelle Worthington
·
“Relationship-Saver: 5 Ways to Fight Fair” by Jessica O. Hunter
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