Touched

“God's finger touched [her] and [she] slept.” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

Funerals (and viewings) are part of the consistent, unending cycle of life. They remind us of our own mortality. It is also true that these demanding events of death increase as we get older.

This needed death ritual does several important functions for us as emotional beings. It helps acknowledge the reality of death; gives validity to the life of the deceased; helps express grief for mourners in a way consistent with cultural values; allows the embracing of faith about death; and provides hope for those left behind. Understanding the factors involved in the bereavement process are crucial in dealing with our mental stability. Remember these important points: 

o   Acknowledge the reality of the death: When someone we love dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move forward with our grief. Over the course of time, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our hearts.  Intellectually, when we contact the funeral home, set a time for the service, plan the ceremony, view the body, perhaps even choose clothing and jewelry for the body, we cannot avoid acknowledging that the person has died. When we see the casket being lowered into the ground, we are witness to death's finality.

o   Develop a new self-identity: The funeral helps us begin this difficult process of developing a new self-identity because it provides a social venue for public acknowledgment of our new roles. Others attending the funeral are in effect saying, "We acknowledge your changed identity, and we want you to know we still care about you."

On the other hand, in situations where there is no funeral, the social group does not know how to relate to the person whose identity has changed, and often that person is socially abandoned. In addition, having supportive friends and family around us at the time of the funeral helps us realize we literally still exist. This self-identity issue is illustrated by a comment the bereaved often make: "When he died, I felt like a part of me died, too."

o   Move toward the pain of the loss: As our acknowledgment of the death progresses from head to heart understanding, we begin to embrace the pain of the loss. This is another need the bereaved must have met if they are to heal. Healthy grief means expressing painful feelings.  

Healthy funeral ceremonies allow that. People cry at funerals because they are forced to concentrate on the fact of the death. For at least two-hours, mourners attend the visitation (or funeral). Often pain cannot be avoided. Funerals are the only time and place for those painful feelings to be expressed that society condones

“There is but one freedom to put oneself right with death. After that everything is possible. I cannot force you to believe in God. Believing in God amounts to coming to terms with death. When you have accepted death, the problem of God will be solved and not the reverse.” (Albert Camus)

o   Receive ongoing support from others: As we have said, funerals are a public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of someone loved. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral and into the future. Funerals make a social statement that says, "Come support me."

Whether they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying, "Don't come support me." Funerals let us physically demonstrate our support, too. At funerals, we are permitted to embrace, touch, and comfort. As words can be inadequate, we nonverbally show our support.

This physical presence of support is one of the most important healing aspects of meaningful funeral ceremonies. Funerals serve as the central gathering place for mourners. When we care about someone who died or their family members, we attend the funeral. Our physical attendance is our most important show of support for the living. By being at the funeral (or viewing) we let everyone else there know that they are not alone in their grief.

o   Remember the person who died: To heal in grief, we must shift our relationship with the person who died from one of physical presence to one of memory. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral invites us to focus on our past relationship with that single person, and to share those memories with others.

At traditional funerals, the eulogy attempts to highlight the major events in the life of the deceased, and the characteristics that he or she most prominently displayed. The sharing of memories at the funeral affirms the worth we have placed on the person who died (legitimizing the pain).

The memories others choose to share with us at the funeral are memories that we have not heard before. This teaches us about the dead person's life apart from ours, and allows us glimpses into that life that we may cherish forever

o   Search for meaning: When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this way? Why does it have to hurt so much? What happens after death? To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become reconciled to our grief.

This does not mean we must find definitive answers. We need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through. On a more fundamental level, the funeral reinforces this one central fact of our existence: we will die one day. Dying is a natural and unavoidable process.

Thus the funeral helps us search for meaning in the life and death of the person who died as well as in our own lives and impending deaths. Each funeral we attend serves as a sort of dress rehearsal for our own. The very fact of a funeral demonstrates that death is important to us. The living must go on existing as completely as possible as it should be.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.[i]

---

[i] The poem, “Do Not Stand at My Grave and You” by Mary Elizabeth Frye

This post is dedicated to my friend, the late Juanita Rae (Crutchfield) McLaughlin, on her funeral at Fellowship Baptist Church, Columbus, OH, on the morning of Monday, August 21, 2017. To see Juanita's obituary, refer to this link: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dispatch/obituary.aspx?n=juanita-mclaughlin&pid=186410917&fhid=6019

This post is adapted from “Why Is the Funeral Ritual Important?” by Alan D. Wolfelt.