Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach. They are built out of a mix of beliefs, past experiences, and social learning.
There are four broad boundary types (with eight unique categories subsets):
1. Soft: A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries.
Someone with a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological manipulation.
2. Spongy (Porous): This person over shares personal information. Is over
involved with other’s problems; fears rejection if they do not comply with
others; is accepting of disrespect; and has difficulty saying “no” to other’s
requests.
3. Rigid: A person with rigid boundaries is
closed or walled off so nobody can get close either physically or emotionally.
This is often the case if someone has been the victim of physical,
emotional,
psychological, or sexual abuse.
This person is unlike to ask for help; avoids intimacy and close relationships;
very protective of personal information; and keeps others at a distance to
avoid the possibility of rejection.
4.
Flexible (Healthy): This person values
their own opinion; don’t compromise their values for others; share personal
information in a healthy way; can communicate personal needs, and accepting
when others say no to them.
·
Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your
emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an
imaginary line that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you
from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame.
They protect
you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative problems and taking others’
comments personally. Healthy emotional boundaries require knowing your responsibilities
to yourself and others.
·
Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend
things such as your money, car, clothes, or food.
·
Mental (Intellectual) boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and
opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you
hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s
opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative,
or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
·
Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space,
privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug to whom and when? How do
you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
·
Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with
sexual touch and activity (what, where, when, and with whom).
·
Social boundaries relate to entitlement of your own friends, and pursuing
your own social activities.
·
Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs of God and other
divine matters.
·
Time boundaries refer to
how a person uses their time. These boundaries are violated when another
individual demands too much of the time one has allocated for their personal
use.
Here are four simple boundary rules to put into practice immediately(for a better you):
1.
Identify the actions and
behaviors that you find unacceptable: Let others know when
they've disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you
need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are.
Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.
2.
Learn to say no:
Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by
trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish. We put our
personal needs on hold, and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to
our well-being. A certain amount of self-interest is necessary for having
healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors by trying to
please others at your own expense.
3.
Recognize that other
people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own:
Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands and
children are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can
undermine the healthy functioning of the family dynamic. If a woman is worn out
mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys
her own health. She in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their
lives. She should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as
well as take care of you. Putting yourself last happens to men as well.
4.
Trust and believe in
yourself: You
are the highest authority on you. You
know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions
for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths,
abilities and individuality. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage
neediness, want to be rescued, or when you choose to play the victim.
“Your personal boundaries protect the
inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” (Gerard
Manley Hopkins) [i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“4 Ways to Set and Keep Your
Personal Boundaries” by Mariana Bockarova
·
“Healthy Personal
Boundaries & How to Establish Them” by Z. Hereford
·
“Personal Boundaries” from Wikipedia
·
“What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?” by Darlene Lancer
·
“What are Personal Boundaries?” (TherapistAid.com)
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