Amazing Grace by Patrick McCafferty

I was born into a Catholic family in Indiana as the eleventh child. The closest to me in age are four of my sisters. The older portion of my family I had little contact. They were my five brothers and oldest sister. Due to living on a hog farm everyone was busy and my main caregivers were my mother, three sisters as well as my brother Peter. I grew up hearing that Peter spent most of his time with me; he was eleven years older than me.

When I was two years old I experienced my first move to a larger hog farm. The new farm was challenging for my father due to unforeseen circumstances. While struggling to make ends meet my brother Peter was killed in a car accident at 13 years of age. My parents were not able to grieve the loss of their son due to the financial strains the farm brought into our family. Not long after this my father experienced a nervous breakdown.

This placed even more pressure on my older brothers. My siblings were annoyed with my presence because of the attention I needed at that age.  From the perspective of my siblings I was spoiled, from my own; I was regularly pushed away due to my needs and curiosity. My family was not able to recover from the financial burden the farm required and bankruptcy was the only way out.

At five years old we moved into town. This was exciting for me but the overall feeling in our home was defeat because of losing the farm. Due to my extraverted personality, I enjoyed this change because we now had close neighbors. Unfortunately, I remember feeling crushed when my first experience of walking down the concrete sidewalk, I was greeted with another five year old yelling at me to get off of his sidewalk since it was not my property.

Unfortunately my relationship with my father was very weak. He was the occasional disciplinarian in my life and nothing else. There were the sporadic evenings I would bounce a ball inside the house to him but I do not remember enjoying time with my father. I do remember a lot of rejection from him and my siblings. One Christmas, my mother needed a hip replacement and had to leave for the hospital. I remember a few women coming from a church into our home with presents for my sister and me.

I received a horse with truck and trailer. It was the first brand new gift I had ever received. My other toys were handed down or purchased from goodwill stores. This was my best memory of Christmas during childhood. My oldest sister April, who is 22 years older than me, watched over my four sisters and me while my mother was in the hospital.  She had a son, Noah, who was two years younger than me and we loved playing together.

When discovering a mud puddle and how fun it was, I asked Noah to join me. When we returned to the house laughing, my sister met me at the door with fierce anger and directed me to my parent’s room. She and Noah were in the room next to me. I heard Noah screaming and didn’t understand what was happening. Then April entered the room where I was, she said; “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you”. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then raised my father’s black leather belt and removed my pants and underwear and hit me surprisingly hard. I was completely confused and broken. Not only had I felt completely betrayed by my sister I had no idea why she did this.

Discipline was never methodical in the way April practiced this in our home, when father or mother were angry with me they would either yell or grab something and hit me or just use their hand. However, what April did was so confusing. I remember wondering, “How did this hurt her? Why did she use my father’s belt? She’s the meanest and strangest person in the world”!

While I was 7-8 years old my best memories were when my mother would drop me off at my older brother Chester’s home. His wife Lilly gave me the needed attention I longed for, even though she had two children of her own, she made me feel special. Chester also gave me small amounts of time that made me feel wanted. It was Chester and Lilly that brought me to a church where I learned about Jesus and accepted Him in my heart. I used to dread my return to home.

I had a very challenging time making normal friends. I either had strange outcasts or bad influences. Not long after this I began stealing from grocery stores. I enjoyed the attention when my mother caught me. I do not remember enjoying elementary school, I felt alone and rejected by most people. My closest sister in age, Dakota, was my playmate but I believe I bothered her more than we had fun together. I longed for a relationship with my brothers but the closest brother, Rusty, was thirteen years older and was focused on work and girlfriends. My brother Chester asked my parents to stop bringing me to their home because they were struggling in their marriage as well as striving to be good parents to their own children. 

My sister Belinda often took me on adventures she had with her numerous boyfriends. However, I was the third-wheel that my sister brought for her own safety so the boyfriends wouldn’t try anything to make her uncomfortable. I do remember being left alone with nothing to do while she and her friend would have their time alone. 

At 13 we moved to a small farm just outside of town. This was exciting because I had more room and more opportunities to do whatever I wanted. My father purchased a couple of young fillies for my sister Dakota and me. I enjoyed riding my horse and getting away from home.

My father and I spent more time together and I learned a lot at this farm about responsibility. My relationship with my father weakened more when I believed I was cheap farm help, but not very worthwhile. I was regularly accused of being stupid, lazy, overweight and irresponsible.

My parents did not believe in education, instead they saw public schools as evil. After finishing my sixth grade, my mother decided home schooling would be the better option. Unfortunately, she was not a teacher and there was no time to have any type of class. There was no consistency in our home except work and lots of it.

Because I was no longer going to school I was even less happy to be at my home all day every day, for this reason I was allowed to get a job with a local farmer. At fourteen, started working as a gas station attendant and enjoyed once again being away from home. I loved the attention I received from adults who regularly told me I was very responsible for my age.

My mother loved the Lord and regularly reminded me to praise God as often as I thought of him. I loved Jesus at this point in life; singing and worshiping Him came second nature to me. Since worship music was the only thing I was allowed to listen to, I knew a lot of songs about Jesus and I knew how to praise him.

I had an experience with God that I will never forget, he spoke clearly to me that he wanted me to be a missionary. This shocked me and not long after I stopped connecting with him as before. A friendship I started with a man 8 years older than me also influenced me to distance myself from God.

At seventeen I moved out of my home to work full time at a farm. Here I met people who believed in me and regularly commented about the potential they saw in me. Unfortunately, at this same time I had a friend who was a very bad influence on me. My stealing habits returned because I noticed my friend enjoyed doing this with me. Probably because most of what I stole I gave to him. When I was nineteen my brother Rusty caught me in the act.

While he was surprised and disappointed he became a true confidant. I remember being so thankful for him to be the one to help me. Without my permission he told my father about my life choices and my father gave him the money needed to obtain a lawyer. He took me to the police and I confessed. Rusty, who did not know the Lord, made a huge impact in my life.

I was facing prison, 5 felonies, several misdemeanors and many fines. By God’s grace I ended up with two misdemeanors and two years of probation. Rusty became like a father to me and helped me to get a great job to pay the lawyer fees and restitution. My perspective of my father changed when he proved he loved me by being there for me in one of my lowest points in life.

I rededicated my life to Christ and God reminded me of the missionary calling. My response to God was complete surrender and I was ready for my next orders. It was here where I opened my life to God in a way I had not in the past. I rejected, with confidence, any relationship that previously encouraged me to think worldly. My new friend was God; he spoke clearly to me in my prayer times.

He showed me BJU was the place to get my degree in missions even though I did not know what those letters meant and later found out it was Bob Jones University. Education was not a priority in my family and once again, my family rejected me, this time for wanting to return to school. However, nothing could hold me back due to the urging of God. The comments my unsaved employers and co-workers regularly made, built my confidence along with the calling God gave me. I believed I could accomplish anything God wanted.

Bible College was fun; I made many friends and connected with what I was studying. Even though I started school when I was 22 I knew God’s plan was unfolding in front of me. I looked forward to being on the mission field to be used of God. I was 24 when I married Ella, who also had a calling to missions on her life. I knew from the first day I saw her she would be wife. God led me in choosing the timing to ask her to marry me and many other important decisions.

During a short-term missions trip I remember a man commenting on the faith he noticed in me. He challenged me with this question, “What are you going to do when your faith feels like it won’t hold any water?” I remember being very disgusted with that question. It felt like an attack on my Savior. However, I didn’t realize just how that question would become my reality.

 We became missionaries to Tunisia, raised our support easily and had much to spare. This only confirmed I was doing exactly what God wanted. Learning the language came naturally as well as the desire to connect with the culture. The nationals affirmed our presence there and we saw God moving in powerful ways as well as in our own lives. The twin towers were brought down in New York not long after we arrived. This brought some fear, but we pushed through. After this God spoke to me about Ella being pregnant before she even knew and also gave me specifics about the baby, his gender, age and even gave me things to say to him when he was born. About two months later he died.

This was the third miscarriage we had but the first that God spoke to me about. This tore me up; my faith was being shaken. Not long after this the government of Tunisia demanded we leave due to the work we were doing there. I remember leaving the police station with Ella and having such amazing peace that God is with us. The other missionaries we were with told us we must fight against this because it was not God’s plan.

Ella and I had conflicting thoughts with them because we felt like God was telling us our time in Tunisia was complete. Instead, we took the advice of our mentors and tried to fight. We left Tunisia burned-out and extremely depressed. Ella’s struggle was great because of anxiety and other feelings. I left Tunisia feeling like I betrayed my friends and my mentors.

Especially when the quoted other missionaries who had to throw their wives overboard to continue doing the plan God set before them. On the contrary, Ella meant so much more to me than anyone else and I saw the work of God as third in priority to my life. My relationship with God is first, after that my family, only after these come my calling to minister the gospel. We received wonderful help from Departure Ministries in Dayton, OH.  

After this I felt like we were to find a ministry somewhere else but lacked the connection with God to find out where. I had pushed him away due to all the confusion. In reality, I know he was holding my hands in midst of all this pain. He wanted me to relax in his arms but I just couldn’t.

We were advised to return to the mission field to complete our first term. The place we were recommended to go was Jordan in Western Asia. I was very unhappy there and God showed me during this time I was being carried by him and not to be discouraged. I disliked almost everything compared to Tunisia, especially the food. I remember feeling so much tension between the Christian and Jordanian population.

I felt like a war could break out at any moment. The driving was extremely dangerous and people just seemed angry. I did almost no ministry while I was there. After experiencing our fourth miscarriage we completed our term and returned to the States and expected to return to Tunisia after we itinerated.

I was 32 when we adopted Jacob in the States. This too was a grueling process but thankfully only took about nine months. Jacob had been through a lot in his five years but it was very exciting to bring him home. God showed us his presence in our lives through this process in many ways. We had so many people rejoicing with us about this new part of our family, it was an exciting point in our lives. I was so happy to be a father, even though Jacob had many special needs I did not care. I wanted him to know he was loved and valued.

Normally, we visited my family in Indiana a couple times a year. I went to be with my parents again to encourage them as well as meet with some pastors to raise support for our return to the mission field. While I was there my father and mother completely rejected me and said they never believed I ever loved them because I left our family to go overseas.

They asked me to leave from their home and I cancelled my appointments with the pastors and returned to Ohio. My mother was physically ill at the time and she refused to see a doctor. I had no idea she was ill until I saw her. I remember feeling guilty for not being there and due to this guilt I demanded she get help. I know my parents were very afraid due to her illness and I am sure they regretted saying what was said. 

We completed our fundraising very smoothly again and God called us to return to Tunisia even though originally the government asked us to leave. Jacob thrived in Tunisia, because he knew he was loved.

During our time I became very involved with the international church as well as preparing a Christian library for expatriates in the area. I felt like I was doing something that was meaningless but told myself to prod on. Building a library from nothing is a lonely and tedious job.

A Tunisian friend of mine made the decision to ask Christ to live in his heart. We rejoiced with him until he told me his witch doctor claimed I actually poisoned him with a curse when he gave his heart to Christ. He told me the witch doctor spoke my name without previous knowledge to it. Not long after this while Ella’s parents were visiting. This Tunisian friend saw me stopped at a red light and began throwing several softball-sized rocks at my car. One broke through the back window hitting my mother-in-law and one almost hit me in the head. 

Now much fear was setting in my heart for the safety of my family. The relationship with the other missionaries never healed due to us leaving the first time from Tunisia so I felt alone. We asked for help from our mission network but felt as though we were over dramatizing the situation

I tried to stuff the fear I had as well as the mistrust growing for Tunisia in general, but I did not do very well with this. I told my Tunisian friend I forgave him but he was no longer welcome in or near our home. I believe God did a great work in his life without me in it but the trauma I walked away with that day changed my heart.

About a year after this I received a vision from God to resign as a missionary and return to the States to do marketplace ministry. I did not want to receive money from the ministry to do the work of the Lord. I wanted to be paid like everyone else did. I did not want to live as a secret agent anymore. I was worn out from the hidden truths of why we lived in Tunisia. I wanted a normal life.

We returned to the States when I was 34. I bought our first home and obtained a job and enjoyed having what seemed to be so much more normal than I had ever experienced with my bride and son. The job I had was a dead-end so I watched for other positions. During this time we had our fifth miscarriage, I did not even care at this point. I was not even present for Ella when she had the operation to remove the baby from her body. I regret that now, even though when we talk about it Ella tells me she understands. I found a new position to work and continued to try to enjoy this new life.

We discussed getting something done so we wouldn’t have any more miscarriages but I did not follow through.  When Ella found out she was pregnant again I was crushed because I had not done anything to stop this. I was sure it would be another miscarriage. My friends told me to see it differently and I warned them about speaking to me like this.

They backed down but continued being good friends. When we passed the first trimester I questioned the possibility but quickly tossed the hope aside because of the long pattern of loss. Spiritually I was a mess at this point. At 36, things were not working out like I thought they would. I had much higher hopes for us as a family. We were drowning in debt but refused to even consider that reality. When Nancy was born I looked into her eyes, I saw so much innocence, I saw God and his purity.

My spiritual life continued to be rocky and I wondered why I kept my credentials with the Southern Baptists. I searched for fulfillment by becoming a realtor and making money from the stock market and failed at both miserably. 

While I was struggling to know where I belonged I received a call that my mother had died of a heart attack. I remember feeling very sad at first but I also felt like she had already died in a sense to me. Not long after I discovered my oldest sister, April had been taking money from my parents without the approval of my mother. While my goal was to protect my mother’s wishes as well as expose the truth of my sister, I stirred up a lot of pain and caused much grief for uncovering this.

My father was doing this against my mother’s wishes and I wanted it to stop. He was so disgusted with me for meddling in this area. Once again it was clear I did not belong in Indiana.

I remember telling Ella when we left Tunisia that I will do whatever it takes to make it work in the States even if I have to take a job at Wendy’s. I secured a job as a manager there and received excellent insurance. When I was 39 my third child, Trevor, was born. It was very exciting to now have three beautiful children. However, I still felt displaced. I didn’t know what God wanted until he showed me to start a church in Westerville, OH.

I was very uncomfortable with preaching my whole life and the thought of having to preach every week frightened me but God asked me to trust him. After Ella and I looked at our own strengths it was clear that she be the lead pastor and I the executive pastor [at Huber Heights House of Worship]. We have been doing this now for about 3 years and love the way we are connected with God and being used for him as a team. He is teaching us the importance of being at peace in every situation, to relax even when the world looks like it is falling apart.

NOTE: This post has been altered to protect the identity of those involved, and upon the request of the author.