Someone hurts you in a way that feels permanent and you say,
"I will never forgive you." Someone wounds you emotionally (or
physically) and you think, "That's unforgivable." You're constantly
being told that forgiveness is vital for your mental health. Forgiveness is the letting go of a grievance
that you hold against someone else. When you forgive you also let go of
feelings of bitterness, resentment, and vengeance.
Many people have difficulty with the word
"forgiveness." You imagine forgiveness involves saying, "I
forgive you" and includes a hug, pat on the back, or a blessing. That may
be true sometimes, but not all the time. Forgiveness doesn't have to involve
the other person and it is not for their benefit. If the word
"forgiveness" bothers you, you don't have to use it (or you could
make up a new one). Processing emotional trauma and releasing old wounds is about more than a single word.
Anger, bitterness, hate—these emotions weigh heavily on your body
and in your thoughts. When you don't process and release your emotions, they
remain trapped inside you and can cause physical ailments like stomachaches and
high blood pressure and can worsen depression and anxiety. When you forgive and let go of a grievance, you are
freeing your body and your mind. Forgiveness isn't the only way to let go of
negative emotions, but it's one of the best.
I believe that forgiveness can be helpful to many and
its ability to heal your wounds may surprise you if you try it. But
forcing yourself to forgive before you're ready could actually deepen your
feelings of trauma and anger. Don't let anyone try to convince you to forgive
when you're not ready or don't want to. You are not broken just because you
aren't ok with forgiving someone else's misdeeds.
One simple exercise I do is a letter-writing exercise. Find
a quiet space, some uninterrupted time, and a pen (or pencil) and paper. Write
a letter to the person who hurt you. Write out your feelings, your thoughts,
your experiences, and your anger. Remember, this letter is for you. No one else
ever has to read it. Now, try writing a second letter with your other hand.
Writing with your non-dominate hand (meaning your left hand if you're usually
right-handed) can help override the analytical, judgmental part of your brain.
You may find your writing is freer and more emotionally honest this way. You
want to get all the emotions you've bottled up moving and flowing through your
pen. Imagine all of your anger and bitterness and resentment and sadness moving
from deep inside your body to the page. Even if you don't think you can ever
forgive or you don't want to, a writing exercise like this can help you regain
some control over disruptive, negative thoughts.
When someone hurts you, it's normal to hold onto feelings of
anger and resentment and to want revenge. But, when we cling to our anger because it feels
justified, we can't heal. Whether or not you feel that forgiveness can be part
of your healing process, the healing process itself is vital. While you heal,
keep the focus on yourself. Focus on what you can do to make your life better
and more whole.
After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has
passed, you're presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By
forgiving, you let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to
heal. While this may sound good in theory, in practice forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible.
By forgiving, you are accepting the
reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution
with it. This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily have to
include the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness isn't something you do for
the person who wronged you; it's something you do for you. If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place
and time to be alone with your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps
to forgive even when it feels impossible:
·
Think
about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you
felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to
acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were affected.
·
Acknowledge
the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you
learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries? Not only did you
survive the incident, perhaps you grew from it.
·
Now
think about the other person. He or she is flawed because all human
beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of
reference because sometimes we all act from our limited beliefs and
skewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to
have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go
about it in such a hurtful way?
·
Finally,
decide whether or not you want to tell
the other person that you have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to
express forgiveness directly, then do it on your own. Say the words, "I
forgive you," aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is
merited.
“This is where I find myself now on the
journey that God and I have been on, at the station called hope, the one that
comes right after gratitude and somewhere not far from journey's end. It has
been God and I the whole way. Not so much because he has always been pleasant
company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the
morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because he did not trust
me to travel alone. Personally I liked the last miles of the journey better
than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the
beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home, and sticking
with me all the way.” (Lewis B.
Smedes)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“How
Do You Forgive Even When It Feels Impossible? (Part 2)” by Andrea
Brandt
·
“How
Do You Forgive Even When It Feels Impossible? (Part 1)” by Andrea
Brandt
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