How much talking do you do on an average day? How much real listening
do you do where you focus on what the other person is saying? If you're like most of us, the answer is not
enough. Most people tend to treat conversation like a competitive sport in
which the person, who says the most, makes the cleverest point, persuades
others of an opinion, or even speaks the longest and loudest is the winner.
All of us fall into this trap. All of us find ourselves
interrupting all to support our point of view or display our superior
knowledge. If you stop and think about it, though, this approach is the
opposite of the one you should take. In most conversations, the person who
speaks least benefits most and the person who speaks most benefits least.
Below are bad habits you all need to conquer in the year 2020:
Interrupting-This is another
obvious listening mistake – when you actually stop the other person from
talking to speak yourself. It’s particularly hard not to make this mistake when
you’re emotional. When you feel anger at what people are saying, you want to
jump in and tell them why they are wrong.
Try giving people a chance to finish their thoughts
before saying your piece – you may be making an inaccurate judgment based on a
misunderstanding of what is being said. Try to withhold judgment. If things are
too heated, it may be best to save the conversation for another time.
Jumping to give advice-This is a much
subtler bad listening habit. If a friend is telling you about a problem he or
she is having, it’s only natural to want to say something that will help.
However, this can distract the listener from fully giving attention to the
speaker’s thoughts and feelings. If I try to give advice immediately, I might
be shifting the focus back to my own thoughts and feelings – about what
I would do in that situation and how I would feel. This doesn’t
mean you should never give advice. If you have something valuable to offer, you
very well should. However, you don’t need to rush into it. Listen fully,
attentively and empathetically, keeping your focus on the other’s thoughts and feelings
before offering your advice.
Phone use-This is a
no-brainer. If you’re pulling out your phone when someone’s talking to you,
you’re not being a good listener. You may disagree, calling it multi-tasking –
“I can listen while I read a text!” No, you can’t – not well, anyway. Give the
speaker your full attention and all that involves – going beyond his or her
words to the feeling and intention behind it.
Respect the speaker as someone with something to offer,
and as a person with feelings and a perspective of his or her own. Whipping out
your phone to send a quick text takes some of your attention from the speaker,
and it’s very disrespectful.
Shifting emphasis to
oneself-Say
someone’s talking to you, and you want to show them that you understand how he
or she feels. You want to convey empathy to the speaker – and, as discussed. Empathy
is an important part of listening. So you respond to several things he or she
says by saying something like, “I know what that’s like,” or telling a story of
a similar situation you’ve been in. What’s wrong with that? It’s not always a bad listening
habit to convey your empathy in this way, but it shouldn’t be rushed into or
relied upon as a response to everything another expresses.
That’s because it draws away from the other person’s
feelings to your own, which may not be the same – your experiences are never
exactly the same as another’s. Besides, if every response you give is about
yourself, it may seem that you’re really only interested in the other person if
they give you the opportunity to speak about yourself.
However, sometimes when people come to us with problems,
they want to know that they are not alone in their feelings, and it can be very
good to hear that the listener has experienced similar things. Just be careful
here. Don’t be presumptuous. Make sure you’ve taken the steps outlined below to
ensure you’ve really paid attention to the other person’s thoughts and feelings
before jumping to your own experience.
Trying to be better than
the speaker-Sometimes,
bad listening habits manifest in how you respond to a person. Most of us have
encountered this bad habit before. You’re telling someone about what a good
time you had at a party and the person can’t wait to tell you about an even
more fun and exciting party he or she went to. When you try to be better than
the speaker, you’re making it clear that you’re only paying attention to them
insofar as they provide an opportunity for you to talk about yourself. This is
no way to build a meaningful connection with someone, much less a
relationship.
Waiting for your turn to
speak-This
is something nearly everyone does: planning out the next thing you are going to
say while the other person is in the middle of speaking. When you shift our
attention from the speaker to ourselves – to our own thoughts and words – you’re
not paying full attention to the other person. It’s extremely hard not to make
this listening mistake.
It’s natural to want to be prepared, sound smart, give
good advice, have something valuable to contribute to the conversation. But you
can still do those things without planning our response before the speaker has
finished. Take note of the next time you make this mistake, and then redirect
your attention to the person speaking. You’ll find that you can simply take a
moment after processing what has been said, and then decide how to respond.
Even though you didn’t plan, your response will likely be even better because
you’ll know the entirety of what was being said.
Active Listening Action PlanIt’s time to take some concrete steps for learning active listening (listening with your full attention and trying to understand another person. Remember: Skills require practice. Don’t expect to become an expert in active listener. When you catch your attention straying from the speaker to yourself or to something else, just call yourself back, gently, and refocus using the steps below as tools.
Check in-When you listen you’re trying to understand
how the speaker feels and what he or she is thinking. There are a couple ways
to ensure that you understand the speaker:
·
Flat-out asking:
“Are you saying that…?” is a good way to go.
·
Restating: Repeating back what
you think the speaker is saying in different words and awaiting a response.
Checking with the speaker in this way will help you understand him or her better. It will let the speaker know that you’re trying to understand and you’re paying full attention that you value and respect him or her.
Turn off the phone-Limit the temptation of distractions.
If someone wants to sit down and have a serious talk, or if someone is giving
instructions and trying to teach you something, nothing says “I’m only
listening until something else comes up” like your phone going off – especially
if you answer it. Before you go into class or to have a heart-to-heart, take a
moment to shut the phone off. This establishes immediately where your attention
will be.
Try not to judge right away or react emotionally-There are times when
this step is not called for – for example, if someone is saying something very
offensive or designed to hurt you. However, most of the time (you hope), this
is not the case. Go into your interaction with the intent to understand the
other’s feelings, opinions, etc. – not the intent to formulate and voice your
own. Those things can come later. Other people are full of new information and
perspectives; if you listen fully, they may end up changing the way you
currently think and feel. Let’s have the courage to give them that chance.
Face the speaker-If you’re looking to the left, right, back
or some other direction beyond the speaker, you’re opening yourself up to a
world of distractions. You’re sending a message to the speaker that you may not
really be listening. Facing the speaker will help you be, and be received as, a
better listener. Try eye contact. Some people aren’t comfortable maintaining
eye contact throughout the duration of their interaction, but even meeting
eye-to-eye occasionally can help re-establish the fact that you’re focusing.
Build empathy skills-Empathy
is the ability to understand another and feel how he or she feels (or close to
it) – comes more naturally to some than others. But it can be hard for anyone
to step out of his or her own world sometimes. There are ways you can help
ourselves become better empathizers:
·
Check your ego: You
can’t make an effort to understand another’s feelings if you don’t care about
them. If you’re focused only on your own feelings. You may need to start out by
checking your ego. Reminding you that other people have value, and have
perspectives and experiences that are likely just as important as your own. We’re
all the centers of our own universes. Get interested in someone besides
yourself.
·
Ask for more information: If you’re having a hard time
understanding how someone is thinking or feeling about something, ask for more information
about the situation. Wait until it is appropriate to do so – especially if
dealing with a sensitive subject. Temper your questions by what you think he or
she would be willing to share with you.
·
Think about the other person’s view: Build
empathy skills by arguing against yourself. This is a very difficult exercise,
but can be highly rewarding both in the critical thinking and the empathy
departments. Think of a time when you disagreed with someone. Now, try to take
the other’s side and develop an argument in support of his or her position.
The more detail, the better. You might want to draw on
what you know about that person that may explain his or her position, or you
may simply reason through that position. Nothing puts you in another’s shoes and
out of your own like the ability to debate yourself. What you gain from the
exercise will transfer into all your interactions such as listening to others
not just when disagreeing with them.
“God’s one and only voice [is] silence.” (Herman Melville) [i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 Fool-Proof Ways to Become a
Better Listener” by Good Choices Good Life
·
“7 Smart Reasons You Should Talk Less and Listen More” by Minda Zetlin
·
“One-up” by
Dictionary.com
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