Every
family has its own tempo. They have their share of circumstances from abusive
to permissive or to annoying. How one adult child handles their parents isn’t a
blueprint for another adult child. Maintaining the bond between parent and
adult child can be challenging. Your relationship with your parents needs to be
flexible. Just because your relationship with your parents was poor when you
were a child doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be transformed
As grown children, you have the opportunity to
walk alongside your parents as you seek to honor and love them. This is an
opportunity to make Jesus beautiful to them. Part of that evolution requires
forging a new relationship between mature adults rather than “parent” and
“child.” You already have the basic ingredients of love and shared memories.
Add mutual respect and common interests. The key is to love the best parts of your
parents, and learn to accept the rest. Here are ways to form an adult
relationship with your parents that can thrive (according to Jeremy Yong):
Genuinely seek wisdom. By
seeking your parents’ wisdom shows that you honor their experiences and
opinions. Now, hearing their wisdom doesn’t always mean you need to heed it. If
you’re living apart from your parents, one hopes they already understand that
point. But they will appreciate it even more if you are living independently
but still seeking their input.
There are so many things to ask them about, like what they
would’ve done differently about marriage, parenting, and their jobs. If they
are Christians, ask them about how following Christ has affected their lives in
relation to those categories. You might get great wisdom. You might not, but
that’s okay. Just seeking your parents’ wisdom strengthens their confidence in
you and demonstrates appreciation and respect, which honors them.
God wants you to minister to them. To my shame, I saw my parents as people who must be endured in what felt like endless
lectures with wagging fingers and shaming scowls. I have come to find (and
create) opportunities to move toward my parents in love. They too need prayer,
godly wisdom, and biblical community as they battle against the world, the
flesh, and the Devil. It takes patience, strategy, grace, and determination.
God wants us to love as he loved with mercy and fierce determination.
Seek to know them. On
the one hand this is a risky venture. You might ask your mom, “Tell me again,
Mom, about how you didn’t have the chance to go to school,” and she might
lecture and shame you in the reply: “It’s because we didn’t have the same
opportunity we have given you. So you better not mess up.”
But through patience, gentleness, and genuine curiosity,
your parents might be convinced you are trying to know them and love them. I
like asking my parents about specific events in their past. They’ve shared
about upbringing, family history, and work history. Hearing their stories and
seeing them laugh as they reminisce about hard times and joys made it all the
more enjoyable.
Talk about Christ with them. If you are seeking to know your parents, bond over
interests, and seek wisdom, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk from a
Christian worldview about life’s most important things. Whether or not they are
Christians, perhaps they might learn from you what it means to live a
Christ-centered life in which the gospel transforms all facets of living in
God’s world. You have the opportunity to represent Jesus as his ambassador,
showing your parents that life ought to honor and be lived under the kingship
of Christ.
Try to find and bond over interests. My relationship with my dad took a turn for the better when
he started teaching me how to follow the stock market and make trades. Though
it was almost 20 years ago, I still remember him teaching me like it was
yesterday. Even though I haven’t traded on my own for more than a decade, the
conversations with my dad about the market have continued. I’ll get to hear not
only his financial analysis but also how he is doing with the market’s ups and
downs.
Our conversations about finances have paid big dividends in
our relationship as father and son. In these conversations, there are
opportunities to encourage with biblical truth. It has also led our
conversations in other directions in which we’ve continued to encourage each
other. Find and bond over your parents’ interests and yours. As you do things
together, focus on the relationship, hear your parents out, make conversational
efforts, and build memories.
“As a
Christian, your ministry to your parents should be distinctly Christian—done in
the love of Christ, speaking about the gospel of Christ, aiming for the glory
of Christ.”
(Jeremy Yong)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5
Ways Adult Children Can Honor Their Parents” by Daniel darling
·
“5 Ways Grown Children Can Love Their Parents” by Jeremy
Yong
·
“Maintain a Healthy Relationship with Your Parents”
by Reader's
Digest Editors
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