Confronting someone is not easy, mostly
because humans tend to complicate the situation. Either we get angry,
aggressive, over-explain the problem, or don't quite have the facts straight. There
is always a simple recipe to use in confronting people that leads to a peaceful
resolution. All too often, people avoid conflict or deal with it in an
ineffective way. Such approaches only make conflicts worse.
If you follow God’s call to confront people
without offending them, you can resolve conflicts, strengthen relationships,
and grow personally in the process. How would you handle these examples so as
to not permanently damage a relationship? A husband that won’t help his wife with
household chores; a spend thrift woman that’s constantly trying to borrow money
from her friends; a boss with an anger problem who alienates his employees; and
a grandmother who’s tired of being asked to babysit her grandchildren so often
that she doesn’t have enough time to herself.
At
some point in life, almost everyone will be required to confront someone about
an issue. It could be about many different possibilities. The key to using
confrontation is to help and not hinder. Here's what to do to confront people
the right way:
Aim for a goal-Before confronting someone, clarify what you
hope to achieve through the confrontation. Retaliation should never be your
goal. If you have a vengeful attitude, confess it and ask God to cleanse your
thoughts toward the person you want to confront. Aim to use a confrontation to
resolve whatever issue is causing conflict between you and the other person.
Consider what
specific outcome you’d like to see result from the confrontation – having
someone stop a negative behavior, start a positive behavior, or make some other
change – and keep that goal in mind when you confront the person.
Confront whether you’re the offended or the offender-God wants you to try
to resolve conflict through confrontation whether someone else has offended you
or whether you’ve offended someone. If you’ve been offended, don’t repress your
feelings; that will only lead to bitterness that will poison your soul and
express itself in unhealthy ways in your life.
If you’ve offended
someone, remember that it’s your responsibility to take action toward
reconciliation. Work to overcome excuses and defensiveness no matter what the
situation. Be willing to confront to try to work out the issue. God has given
you a mandate to initiate reconciliation whether you are the offended or the
offender.
Understand different conflict management styles-Dictators handle conflict by
charging, commanding, demanding, directing, imposing, mandating, ordering,
proclaiming, ruling, calling the shots, and laying down the law. Sometimes that
style is necessary because moral values are at stake or the common good is
being threatened. But often, dictators need to focus more on hearing and valuing
other people’s input.
Accommodators handle conflict
through adapting, adjusting, conforming, indulging, obliging, pleasing, or
accommodating to other people’s needs and desires. Accommodators are good at
listening, which is a key skill in working through conflicts. But they need to
learn to set boundaries to let others know that their negative or insensitive
behavior toward them is not acceptable.
Abdicators handle conflict by
retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating themselves from situations,
dropping out, walking away, abandoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding.
But by running away, abdicators make it impossible to resolve their conflicts.
They need to express their needs through “I” statements that tell others what
they feel when they experience the behavior that’s causing the conflict and
explain what they’d like to see happen.
Collaborators deal with conflict in
the healthiest way, through cooperating, joining forces, uniting, pulling
together, participating, and co-laboring to find a way to resolve the issue.
Consider what style you tend to use the most, and think and pray about how you
can better work with others as a collaborator. Do you need to be more
respectful of authority, value other people’s input more, or communicate more
clearly? Try to choose the collaborator style as often as possible when
managing conflict.
Prepare for the encounter- Before you
confront someone; first be honest about why you’ve decided to confront him or
her about the issue. Do you have an ulterior motive (such as trying to make the
person feel guilty) or do you want to see a genuine change in behavior? Remind
yourself that your goal should be to resolve a specific issue for God’s glory.
Choose
the right time and place for the confrontation, and try to make sure that you
talk with the person when you all can be alone instead of in front of others.
Pray to prepare your heart and mind before the confrontation.
Own the problem.
Speak on your own behalf, explaining how the problem has affected you
personally or how you perceive the issue rather than shifting the attention to
other people’s perspectives. Take responsibility for expressing your own thoughts
and feelings clearly and directly to the person you’re confronting. Speak the
right words. Pray for the wisdom to choose the words that will help you most
effectively communicate with the person, and for the peace you need to deliver
those words in a calm tone of voice.
Describe specifically
what you’ve observed or experienced, since being too general will make it easy
for the person to deny wrongdoing or misinterpret your message. For every
negative statement you need to make while discussing the issue at hand, try to
make a positive statement affirming the person’s worth and your commitment to
the relationship both before and after making the negative statement.
That will help the
person know that you are rejecting his or her behavior, but not him or her as a
person. When you criticize, do so constructively, giving the person information
to help him or her solve the problem and being careful to preserve the person’s
dignity. Listen to the person with an open mind. Admit your own mistakes. Work
with the person to find mutually agreeable ways to move forward.
Listen well-When
you listen, you create an environment where the person you’re confronting feels
that he or she has been heard and his or her thoughts and feelings have been
validated. That will motivate the person to try to resolve the conflict with
you. Try to fully understand the person’s intentions and objectives rather than
jumping to conclusions. Verify facts before making accusations. Explain your
own actions when the person has questions about them. Ask questions to clarify
what the person is telling you; then paraphrase what you think the person has
said to make sure you understand correctly.
Decide to forgive
– Try to work out a mutual agreement on how to move forward after the confrontation.
But keep in mind that the only behavior you have the power to change is your
own. Determine how much you’re willing to compromise without violating your
core values or self-respect to achieve harmony. Let your gratitude for how much
God has forgiven you motivate you to obey His call to forgive those who have
offended you.
Despite
your feelings rely on God’s help to do this by trusting that your feelings will
gradually change in the process. While your decision to forgive should be
immediate, restoring trust in your relationship with the offender is a process
that may take a long time. For true restoration to take place, the offender
must first repent and show consistent behavior that gives evidence of his or
her change of heart. However, whether or not the person who has offended you
ever apologizes or repents, you must forgive him or her to obey
God’s
call and free your soul from the poison of bitterness. If you’re having
difficulty choosing to forgive someone, pray for that person, and God will help
you become more willing to forgive. After you choose to forgive, stop
rehearsing the offense in your mind. Leave it in the past and focus on your
future.
Get to know various temperaments-Understand your own temperament and that of others
influences how each of you naturally communicate. Figure out the needs, fears,
preferences, and propensities toward certain behaviors that come naturally to
yourself and other people. Keep that in mind to devise strategies with each
person to improve the way you interact with him or her.
“Being happy doesn’t mean you don’t have issues. It just means that
you’re working on them.” (Oliver Queen)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Confront People without Offending Them” by Deborah Smith Pegues
·
“How to Confront Someone in 5 Easy Steps” by John Brandon
·
“The Secrets of Confronting Without Offending” by Phil
Cooke
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