Without

“A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself. He can live without hope, without friends, without books, even without music, as long as he can listen to his own thoughts.” (Axel Munthe)

Today’s society dictates men should be powerful, fearless, and impulsive, but is this reality true for all men? You won’t find the words “vulnerable, emotional, and transparent” used to describe many men in 2019. For men, those words go against all our ideas we have for ourselves as men. Male ideals are often unhealthy stereotypes, are unrealistic, and create crippling insecurities.

Men are more sensitive than culture gives them credit for. Men just don’t worry about the same things that women do. The male ego is surprisingly fragile. Men have plenty of insecurities, but it’s often difficult to get them to discuss it. Men sometimes associate insecurity with vulnerability and inadequacy. So we suffer in silence. Many men harbor a great deal of anxiety about if they're good enough yet few would admit to that even if it would make them feel better.

Everyone is insecure to a certain degree. Though many men have gone to great lengths to hide their weaknesses, and have gotten good at it. The result is that many women can easily forget that their man has soft spots, and may be unaware to their fear and anxiety that goes along with them. So in order to promote awareness of the inner workings of men, more than more than thirty men were asked about their insecurities and how this affects their relationships. Here is what was said and the meaning behind it (from Isaac Huss):

We’re insecure about where our career is heading.

“I have a solid job, try to save money monthly and not spend too lavishly, but am always wondering how I ‘stack up’ to where I should be if I want to save money to buy a house, support my future kids in college, retire at a reasonable age, etc.” (Edward, 28, married)

 “I'm afraid of my inability to adequately provide for my family, [which is triggered by]: poor performance at work, comparing my work to the success of others, worries about money, doubt of my own abilities. I focus too much on them, and let myself wallow in self-pity.” (Dakota, 34, married)

 “As a man I think that the greatest insecurities we face are less about whom we are or how we look, and are more about what we are doing. Am I making enough money? Does what I'm doing matter?” (Manuel, 26, dating)

“[I frequently wonder]: Am I making enough money to satisfy her expectations of a lifestyle together?” (Mike, 40, married)

Isaac Huss (IH): One man put it this way: He wonders if he has his “lifestyle together”—and that’s what we feel is really at stake here. For many men, the ultimate way we judge ourselves is how we perceive to be using our talents and how we are (or aren’t) rewarded for it.

We worry that we’re never going to be enough.

“I wonder if I'm really that intelligent or talented...I think about what others think about me way too much (especially people who are ‘better’ than me), and too often depend upon external affirmation for self-worth. I'm way too self-focused, and my mood can really be impacted by what I perceive others to be thinking about me.” (Yosef, 27, single)

 “I'm insecure about my confidence or self-esteem level. These things make you doubt yourself, not trust yourself. Keep you from living, living it up, letting go, reaching out, meeting new people or girls, etc.”(Tom, 26, single)

“I worry I'm not good enough at work or at home that I'm a fraud, and that I won't be able to provide for my family. [I think] if people really knew me, they wouldn't love me.” (Adam, 32, married)

"Lack of Master's degrees and professional credentials . . . and my fear of technical subjects make me afraid to study challenging subjects in order to advance my career." (George, 30, single)

IH: What’s particularly noteworthy is that the worry about being good enough extends beyond relationships. Many men are hardwired to be results-oriented from sports to career to relationships. We want to win and when we don’t, it sometimes feels like the world is going to end.

We’ve got body issues. 

“I’m often insecure at the beach or pool or during pick-up basketball ‘shirts vs skins.’ I’m pale, have a lot of chest hair, and could lose a few pounds of belly fat...[and this is triggered by the] physical appearance of others, what I see in pop culture or read in magazines like Men’s Health or Runner’s World, social pressures of our generation to ‘have it all.’” (Edward, 28, married)

"[In the media] you rarely see bigger guys in good roles or positions, they're always for humor, or even if they're leads, they're goofballs and inept. [As a bigger guy] I'm insecure about how I look when out, what I look like in general, when dancing, playing sports . . ." (Matt, 33, dating)

“For as much guff as guys get for wanting a gorgeous woman, I don't think ladies appreciate how difficult it is as a man to be x height or as muscular as nearly every man on TV or advertisement is depicted—and this is coming from a guy whom most of his friends (male and female) call buff.” (Adam, 32, married)

“Honestly, I am short, and I am not into football or have the physique to dominate other men. It triggers me because I often grade my own attractiveness and masculinity against [those things] and feel like I am eternally coming from behind. . . . These are things that I know are stupid intellectually, but they are definitely present under the surface when I am dating. . . . I definitely have had several women in the online dating world simply ask that [how tall I am] point-blank and then stop talking to me if I answer directly.” (Bryan, 30, single)

IH: I was surprised by the number of guys we surveyed who were very straightforward about being insecure about their body especially hearing it from men who are already concerned about the weightier things in life like their own wife or family. I’d prefer people not know exactly how imperfect I am. But I also feel a bit encouraged and edified knowing I’m not the only guy who deals with this stuff...

 “Most men are very attached to the idea of being male, and usually experience a lot of fear and insecurity around the idea of being a man. Most women are very identified with their gender, and also experience a tremendous amount of fear and insecurity.” (Andrew Cohen) [i]

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[i] Sources used:

·     “5 Big Insecurities Men Have That They Will Never Address Openly” by Thai Nguyen

·        “Men’s Top 14 Insecurities of All Time, According to Experts” By Lauren Vinopal

·       “The 5 Most Common Insecurities in Men (And How to Overcome Them)” by Dr. NerdLove

·     “The Most Common Insecurities among Men—and How to Conquer Them” by Brittany Smith

·    “The Top 3 Insecurities Men Face, According to 30 Guys” by Isaac Huss

Names in the above survey have been changed for privacy.