No one knows exactly when the concept of marriage vows first developed, but they are a common part of most wedding ceremonies. In a typical modern wedding ceremony, marriage vows will consist of three parts: a short speech by the person marrying the couple, and personal vows (or Bible verses) chose by the couple being married. In all three cases, marriage vows are personal choices which typically reflect the couple’s personal beliefs and feelings towards another.
Vowing to persist through sickness, health, in wealth, and poverty is tradition. It’s comfortable speech in a wedding. Are those words useless when putting together a marriage that can last for a lifetime? How many people have mouthed the words, "Until we are parted by death" while privately plotting to move on as soon as a more attractive option presents itself? Here's a set of wedding vows with practical merit. They might sound unconventional and unromantic. They're certainly not poetic, but these promises will allow two people to be content with each other. I promise to…
1. Clarify my
expectations-A marriage ends because a spouse has failed
to meet the expectations their partner brought to the marriage. Expectations
are unique, and come packaged inside your spouse's brain. You may think these
things are obvious or universal, that "everyone knows" what makes a
good husband, what makes a good wife. The truth is your expectations are yours
alone -- spawned from your experiences and locked in your head. There is
nothing you can assume about your partner's idea of what a good marriage looks
like.
No
harm will come from being very specific and concrete about exactly what you
want not just in bed but in the bank account, at the dinner table, with regard
to parenting, and everything else. If you're too shy to mention what you
believe is the right way to behave, and you're hoping everything will become
obvious as time goes on, you're not ready to get married. Get it all in the
open, and keep putting it out in the open.
If someone fails you, they should have to do it by choice, and not have
ignorance as an excuse.
2.
Defend you to others (whether you’re right or
wrong) -Your spouse is going to encounter plenty of
haters and critics. Don't join them ever. In the privacy of your pillow, or
your sofa, or your minivan, you can have conversations that need to be had if
there's something that needs to be addressed. You don't need to agree with
someone who's calling your spouse something derogatory. There is nothing uglier
than watching a spouse degrade their partner in front of other people. It
doesn't make you smart or funny. It’s a low behavior. Your spouse's criticism
hurts plenty even if it's private and kind. If it's public and rude, it's
almost unbearable.
3.
Give you the benefit of the doubt when it
comes to money-One of the biggest adjustments when entering
marriage is joint finances. From being on your own and subject only to your own
ups and downs, you're now responsible for another person, or you're depending
on another person. That can be scary. Here's a vow you can make that will help:
If your spouse spends a lot of money on something, trust that they know what
they're doing. Trust them until it becomes impossible not to trust them. Don't
come out of the gate suspicious.
Here's
why you can do this: You
didn't marry an idiot, right? If you think they're overspending
this month, chances are they're expecting a special check, or they're
compensating for under spending last month, or something else. This is not a
fool; this is your spouse. Surrender the worry that they're going to drive you
into financial ruin. Give the benefit of the doubt. If they really do appear to
be ruining you, then the last benefit of the doubt you can give is that they
don't know any better and need help. Help kindly and respectfully, not with
judgment and blame.
4.
Not give in to you for the sole purpose of
using my compliance against you later-Some people call this
passive aggressive behavior, but this is a very specific maneuver that you can
understand and avoid: Being the good person, even though you don't want to, is
not always good. Being so compliant and docile that you intend to emotionally
hurt your spouse later. Being so good that next time there's an argument, you
can point back to this moment as an example of your goodness. Don't do that.
It's not going to help in the long run. If you don't want to do something,
fight not to do it. If you want to do something, fight to do it. Be honest and
don't posture.
5.
Not keep score-You can't win
marriage. There are no points. Any reckoning or score-keeping on your part is
only going to result in told-you-so trumpeting or sad dissatisfaction. Not
keeping score means you don't have to pay back the good stuff, and you don't
get to punish the failures. It also means you can give freely, and that you
have a soft place to fall when you fail yourself. There are consequences for
every action -- good and bad. That is true. "Forgive and forget"
works two ways -- you forget the good stuff you did and the bad stuff he/she
did. In return you can expect your bad stuff to be forgotten, and your spouse
to give you good stuff without measure.
But Ruth replied, “Don’t make me leave you,
for I want to go wherever you go and to live wherever you live; your people
shall be my people, and your God shall be my God; I want to
die where you die and be buried there. May the Lord do terrible things to me if
I allow anything but death to separate us.” (Ruth
1:16-17
TLB)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Honest Marriage Vows You Never Hear At Weddings” by Lydia Netzer
·
“Marriage
Vows in the Bible” by Marriage.com
All the verses in this
post could be used (in one form or the other) in vow portion of a wedding
ceremony.
FUN FACT: Ruth 1:16-7
was spoken between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law, and not with a soon-to-be
married couple.
No comments:
Post a Comment