When two people decide to marry, each makes a pledge that the other will be the most important person in their life. "You're the one" and "You come first" are common phrases that seal this promise. Eventually, some couples can find the fighting, constant sarcasm, and the dirty looks to become part of a marriage in turmoil. When your adult children are mixed up in this, it can be painful to watch. Your heart aches at the thought of those you love so much seeking for divorce as a possible solution. (Thank goodness there were no children to witness the fighting.)
1.
Ask a question People don’t often want to accept
advice so rather than suggest your kids go for help. Point out that you notice
problems and ask what they think they might be able to do about them? You
gently steer them in the direction of getting some help and they may feel like
it was their idea. Be a model. One of the greatest gifts you can give your
children is an example of a positive marriage so they can remain hopeful that
they can strive for a solid relationship.
2.
Be supportive
but not intrusive Let the parent know that you’re there to help and you’ll
respect their boundaries. It’s fine to ask how things are going, but if they
don’t respond, don’t keep asking and don’t keep offering information. Letting
them come to you often leads to a better outcome than forcing the situation,
which often shuts communication down.
3.
Be willing to
seek your own counseling if you’re having a tough time knowing what to do “Sometimes you’ll find yourself
reliving your past through your kids or realizing some of your own flaws with
your kids and feeling that you’ve failed them. When this happens it’s hard to
remain objective and the stress can evoke feelings of anxiety and depression.
4.
Encourage your
kids to try to work things out Too many people see marriages as disposable. Just because
people fall out of love doesn’t mean that they can’t fall back in love even
deeper once they learn to understand each other. Good therapy, reading
relationship books together, going on a marriage encounter weekend, working on
exercises to improve communication can help, but working through issues takes
time.
5.
Open up Your kids may perceive your feedback as an attack rather
than an effort to help. If you’ve had your own marital issues you can use your
personal experience to open a conversation with your kids.
6.
Point out the
positives Whenever you catch your children engaging
in loving interactions or positive emotions, point them out. Say things like,
“I love watching you two when you laugh,” Or “It’s so sweet when you sit down
to watch TV together.”
7.
Stick to a
script For example, “We’ve started seeing
some patterns such as [fill in the patter you see] and depending on what going
on with the relationship dynamic.] with you two and we’re not sure if you see
how it’s affecting you. We’re not asking you to talk to us about it, but please
consider talking to someone either together or by yourself. Our intent is not
to criticize, but to help you two.”
8.
Suggest a time
out Encourage your kids to take time to
think about their disagreements and fights so they can cool off and reconnect.
“Working out problems in a constructive way requires using a higher level of
brain functioning it can’t be done while in a rage. A cooling off period allows
people to come back to the table and solve problems, rather than focus on their
anger and frustration.”
“Encourage your kids to empathize
with their partner, and try to gain a better understanding of where the other
person is coming from… If a partner feels heard, he’ll begin to relax, and
allow productive dialogue to take place.” (Scott Haltzman)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“In-law Conflict and Troubled Marriages” by Terry Apter
·
“What To Do When Your Kid’s Marriage Is on the Rocks”
by Julie Weingarden
Dubin
This post is dedicated to a very special couple. I
hope this helps.
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