Many people have complicated feelings about apologies. Some of us were forced to apologize as children when we hurt someone. Some of us apologized freely and felt immediately better after having done so. Some people feel shamed by apologizing while others feel ashamed until we have done so. Never apologizing in a relationship can be an absolute way to risk losing it.
A sincere apology allows you to let people know you're not proud of what you’ve done, and you won't be repeating the behavior again. For many of us, there is one primary language of apology that is most important. It’s time we learn the five languages of apology and start to speak each one fluently. Let’s pay close attention to that primary language that speaks to our loved ones (and to us) the most:
1. Accepting Responsibility: We can all find good reasons and
explanations for why we behave badly. “She was pushing my buttons”; “I was
running late”; “She hurt my feelings.” Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change
the fact that what we did was wrong or hurtful to another person.
While many
of us also very much need to hear admission of responsibility. Someone
could say “I’m sorry I hurt you,” but in many cases it’s important for us to
accept responsibility for having caused the hurt too. “I was wrong to yell at
you” sometimes expresses the most sincerity.
2. Expressing Regret: For some people, an apology is not an honest one unless
they hear the words “I’m sorry.” For many of us, in order to truly forgive, we
need to see that the person who has injured us regrets what they have done.
This is the most essential of the elements of an apology, but some people feel
it more intensely than others.
3. Genuinely Repenting: The word repentance means “to turn around” or “to
change one’s mind.” An apology loses its sincerity if you give your loved one
no assurance that you will try not to make the same mistake again. For some of
us, and perhaps depending on the severity of the offense, a sincere apology
requires that the person verbalize their desire to never hurt you in that way
again. We all know that bad habits can be hard to break, but Chapman and In
addition to telling your loved one you want to change; you make a plan to
ensure success.
4. Making Restitution: Expressing regret and taking responsibility for our
actions is sometimes not good enough. We need to make restitution to make an
apology sincere. A great example is when a child swipes a toy from another
child. We don’t just encourage the child to apologize; we also encourage the
child to return the toy that was stolen.
When you hurt a family member, a
friend, or spouse’s feelings, restitution isn’t about returning something that
was stolen; it’s about reassuring the other person that they are loved. The
damage of an angry word or a betrayal is that we believe that. If that
person truly loved us, they would not have done such a hurtful thing.
5. Requesting Forgiveness: This element of an apology can be the
hardest, but for many people it is the most important. Requesting that someone
free you from the guilt of your offense is a powerful thing, and will
ultimately set both people free. Asking forgiveness is difficult for the asker
because it means relinquishing control of the fate of the relationship.
It means accepting the possibility of
rejection, and admitting failure. It’s difficult for many of us to forgive
because it can often mean relinquishing our sense of justice. Despite the
difficulty, saying the words “Will you forgive me?” has proven for many people
to be the secret to healing and renewal of a relationship.
“While a pastor
encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his
wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself
does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive as
God is always willing to forgive those who repent…” (Gary
Chapman) [i]
[i] Sources used:
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“The 5 Ways to Apologize Properly, According to Dr. Gary Chapman” by Monica Gabriel Marshall
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