Friday, November 17, 2017

Caution!

“Anger is one letter short of danger.” (Dr. Rajendra Tela, Nirantar)

Someone just said or did something that really upset you. You want to send them an email that will explain exactly why you are so angry. You sit at your computer (or smart phone), and start pouring your feelings into a furious email .Once done, you hit the send button as the message vanishes into the Internet. With a feeling of accomplishment, you relax in your as you are start to feel better (at least for the moment).

Are you really sure that the person who wronged  deserved your vengeful message? About ten minutes after you’ve blasted out that message, your anger starts fading away, and doubts start creeping in your mind. Did you go a tad too far? Did you say some things that you wish you didn’t? Was it all so bad or did you overreact a little bit?

You start to realize that maybe you should’ve calmed down a little before you sent that email. Unfortunately, it is too late. The email is sent, and the relationship is ruined (or severed completely). In any relationship (in life) you are going to experience some level of anger. It might be a mild irritation. It might be pure rage or anything in between. It is natural that people see things differently.

Mix in some human emotions, and personalities clash, which lead to some level of anger from one or both sides. It happens at home, at work, with friends, or even with pets. The next time this happens to you. Before you do something irreversible that you’ll regret later, follow this process instead:

·        Write the email - Write out the body of the message, and place it in draft. Let it all out and don’t hold anything back. This will help you process all your negative emotions and greatly reduce your anger. If you try to suppress it and deal with in internally, it will take you a lot of effort and time to do so. Externalizing it will help you deal with it much faster.

 

Don’t enter the recipient’s e-mail address. Write, and do not send the email. This is an important distinction to remember. To make sure you don’t send the email unintentionally or just by habit, don’t fill-in the “to” field.

·        Sleep on it - Now that you have it all out of your mind and into an email; step away and sleep on it. Give yourself some time to cool down and see if you feel differently about the situation and your email. Chances are the next morning you will see things much more clearly, and you’ll be able to reassess the situation better.

 
·        Make a decision - After the cool down period, it is time to make a choice. Do you still want to send that email? No? Print it out and delete it forever from draft. This way you are not tempted to send it in the future if a similar situation with the same person arises. The goal of the print-out is to have a memory of how you felt in the particular moment which can be helpful later, and can be used to learn from the entire situation.

Yes? Do the following first:

·         Do your homework – You might think you are right about how you saw the situation, but upon further investigation you might discover otherwise. Before you make any accusations, make sure you have the facts right.

·         Talk to someone – Preferably, someone who knows both sides of the story. This will help give you a different perspective on the whole problem, and might cause you to re-think you actions.

Still want to send it? Here is how to turn your email into a professional constructive criticism instead of a personal stream of accusations:

·         Don’t say anything that you wouldn’t say in person - Often people feel shielded by the impersonal nature of email, and the safety of not facing the other side face-to-face. They write things they wouldn’t say otherwise. Imagine you are in the same room with the other person when you write your email. If you don’t have the guts to say it to them live, then don’t put it in your email (as it does not belong there).

·         Remove any tone of anger – Try to sound as objective as possible. Stick to the facts.

·         Remove all “I”, “you” and “us” – This will help your email to sound more professional and objective and less personal

·         Keep it short – The longer the email. The more personal it will sound, and the more the other person would want to criticize what you said and reply to each of your points

·         Avoid sarcasm and threats – They are not going to help you, or the other side reach a quicker resolution to the situation. Refrain from making remarks about the other person’s intelligence, ethics, personality, or physical appearance

·         Send a personal message – Don’t copy any third parties. Send an individual email. If you have a problem with more than one person, send each one of them a separate email even if you are saying the same thing

·         Think long term – It is more important to win the relationship than win the argument. Don’t say something that can ruin the entire relationship for good even if you are right or the other side is wrong.

After you write it, re-read your email a couple of times. Take a break of fifteen minutes. Re-read it again and if still want to send it, press the send button. What do you do about a sent email fueled by anger?

·        Acknowledge the mistake - It might hurt your ego a bit to admit you’ve done something rash. In the long term, you’ll feel better. The worst thing you can do is to pretend like nothing happened, bury the feelings of guilt, and avoid the person who received your email.

 

·        Ask for forgiveness - Preferably in person or at least on the phone. Explain the situation and apologize for your anger. This will help alleviate the situation, and it might even make the relationship between the two sides stronger.

 

·        If you are using Gmail, enable “Undo Send” - It gives you a window of opportunity of a couple of seconds after you’ve hit the “Send” button to undo your action, and return the email back to your outgoing folder. You have only a few seconds to retract your actions but sometimes that is all you need.
 “Be careful with your words. Once they are said they can only be forgiven not forgotten.” (Anonymous)[i]
Nobody makes you angry; you decide to use anger as a response.


[i] Adapted from: “3 Things to Do before You Send an Angry Email That You’ll Later Regret” by Kosio Angelov

 

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