Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It is what allows you to feel safe so that you can be vulnerable enough to emotionally connect with another person. Building trust happens gradually. In a healthy relationship it’s important to be vulnerable with each other. Trust is given as part of an unspoken code of honor. Building trust requires mutual commitment.
Relationships are vital to our well-being and quality of life. Without the difficult times, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good times. A person who is trustworthy is able to demonstrate consideration. This also means that they trust you to know what’s best for yourself.
Trustworthiness through consistency in actions is important. Trustworthy is when words and behavior match up. When there is trust, a person doesn’t feel the need to monitor or control someone. If your trust has ever been broken by someone, here are four essential steps in moving in the direction of wholeness.
“The chief lesson I have learned in a
long life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is to trust him;
and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him.” (Henry L. Stimson)
1.
Forgive yourself: Self-forgiveness
requires self-compassion and learning that (even
with your flaws) you still have tremendous self-worth to be treated well. It is
important to know that the behavior of the other person was their choice and
reflects who they are (not who you are).
2.
Forgive
the other person: Many people struggle with forgiveness
because they don’t want to let the other person off for their bad behavior.
Learning to forgive and make peace with things that happened in the past can
happen more easily. Take your focus off of the specific events that occurred,
and instead see the perspective of the other person. It can be easier to
forgive someone when you see them as a whole person. Recognize that we all have
flaws and make mistakes. Give the offender the gift of grace.
3.
Trust
yourself: It is nearly impossible to trust
someone else unless you first trust yourself. A good deal of the fear that people feel when they think about
trusting someone who has betrayed them comes from the belief that they will not
be okay if it happens to them again. It is important to know why you would be
fine and still be able to live a good life without the other person. You’ve
lived through difficult challenges. Think about what strengths got you
through those times.
When there isn’t abuse involved, it takes a
good deal more strength to work through a difficult point in a relationship
than it does to walk away from it. You need to believe that should it become
apparent that it is time to separate from the relationship, you will be able to
do so and still be a wholly functioning person.
4.
Trust
the other person: The truth about trusting someone else
is that the only certainty is that there is no certainty. There is always faith in the trust we give to someone. After a
betrayal, all one can do is assess the situation and make an appraisal of
likely behavior in the future. Can you accept the flaws of the other person,
and again trust that they will act in the best interest of your
relationship? There are never any guarantees when it comes to other people.
Only time will show if trust is deserved. Withholding trust out of fear or
anger will prevent you from emotionally reconnecting with a person,
and keep your relationship from moving forward in a healthy way.
“I have struggled with perfectionism
and I think it's a really damaging thing in my own life. When we put that
perfectionism on someone else, it just hurts relationships whereas grace and
trusting someone else's heart is a really, really incredible and important part
of any relationship.” (Rebecca St. James) [i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Healthy Relationships: Trust” (www.loveisrespect.org)
·
“How to Rebuild
Trust with Someone Who Hurt You” by Dr. Jennice Vilhauer
Topic suggested by my
wife, Bobbi Kinker.
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