Bring Him Back

King David and Bathsheba’s first child together dies (unnamed in scripture). This is the King’s reaction to that sad event as a couple in 2 Samuel 12:23 (VOICE): “But now that he is dead, why should I continue without eating? Will that bring my son back to life? Someday when I die I will go where he has gone, but he will never come back to me here.”[i]

Being pregnant as a couple is a rollercoaster ride of emotions with all that is involved in this happy time as a couple. But having a miscarriage of that pregnancy is an odd event that never seems to be addressed by anyone as to why it happened. It occurs in about one in every five pregnancies.[ii]

Doctors will tell you that it’s the body’s way of getting rid of something that wasn’t meant to be. There’s no rhyme, or reason, but mystery, vagueness, and something to wonder about (but not understand).

“I worked hard to bond with our baby. And now she is gone. Yet, people act as though I had no invested interest or relationship with the baby. I’m also grieving, but my wife has received most of the sympathy and hugs.”

Miscarriage is painful. A man finds himself often as the silent sufferer, which is called upon by his partner to support, encourage, and comfort them. Inside he’s torn up and unsure of what to do next. Being grief-filled, discouraged, and aching, how can a man navigate through all this tragedy?

“It has been six months since the miscarriage, and I’m still grieving the loss of our baby and being a dad.”

 As for a baby, a normal gestation period is about forty weeks. A early pregnancy loss is up to week six. A miscarriage is up to week twenty. A stillbirth is up to week thirty-seven. A premature birth is at week thirty-eight and beyond. The principles below apply to any man going through an event like this.

1.  You grieve: Some men overlook the fact that a miscarriage is a loss, and grieving is mandatory because there’s no other way to cope. You’ve been reading naming books, pricing cribs, checking out strollers, and painting your spare room.

All that translates to excitement, and now it’s gone. A man can expect to experience the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) in various forms. You may wonder why God is so angry at  you. Are you being punished?

“We already had names for the baby. The dreams I had hoped for as a dad suddenly vanished. It made the loss much more difficult.”

2.  Don’t apologize: You celebrated the start of a new soul, and you invited the world to celebrate with you. Never apologize for inviting people to see something of wonder and awe and profound beauty. This miscarriage is no one’s fault. You are powerless to stop it, or protect your spouse from it.

“I received the usual sympathetic words. But as the days passed my wife was receiving all the attention. She was also receiving cards expressing sympathy for her loss. I was left alone to lick my wounds.”

3.  Your job is to love: Hardship can either rip couples apart (or bring them closer together). It’s important to support the other grieving partner during a miscarriage. Reaffirm your love for them during any time of sorrow.

“The miscarriage happened so fast. I was a proud dad-to-be. Then all of a sudden our baby is dead, and I’m not a dad anymore. Next thing I know, my job is to console my wife. But nobody is around to console me.”

4.  You commemorate the loss (or not): Commemorate anyway you wish (or don’t). Whatever feels appropriate for you two as a couple. (If you need a miscarriage support group, please don’t hesitate to find one that can help guide you through this journey.)

Consider giving the miscarriage babies generic names if the sex is unknown. Write them somewhere special to remind you both that you have children in Heaven.[iii]

“My wife had a miscarriage. We have rarely talked about it. It did make me more aware of the sanctity of human life, how precious every child is.” (Jack Kemp)

5.  You don’t replace the child: Having another child will not replace the one you lost. That child will always be autonomous in your thinking. They will always be thought of as a separate being.

“A few days after we received news of the miscarriage, I was still pretty distraught. I wanted to talk to my wife about it. But after I saw how more distraught she was, I decided to just be there for her and worry about me later.”

6.  You keep going: Each couple needs to decide what it means to continue on. For some, it means they’re done, it means infertility clinics or adoption. Having more children doesn’t lessen the loss you felt at having lost a child. It can be part of the solution and overall process. It’s important to believe in everything modern medicine can do to prevent miscarriages.

“It is a difficult time. The miscarriage thing  apparently it happens to one in three pregnancies (but it's very, very rarely talked about). It's almost secretive. But it's a good thing to talk about. It's more common and it's tough, there's a grieving process you have to go through." (Hugh Jackman)

 

“I am not functioning very well. Living with the knowledge that the baby is dead is painful. I feel so far away from you, God. I can only try to believe that you are sustaining me and guiding me through this. Please continue to stand by my side.”
(Christine O'Keeffe Lafser, author of An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death)

May  2002 cartoon by me of what our family could have looked like (three months after our last miscarriage)

November 2002 with my maternal grandparents nine months after our final miscarriages. (I was 39, Bobbi 37, and Allena 6.)

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[i] David and Bathsheba’s first child together died at about a week of age. Their four younger sons together included Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, and Solomon. See the links below for more information on this topic: http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/LVanswers/2006/09-22.htm and https://www.reference.com/world-view/many-children-did-david-bathsheba-2c3b990f495ae28c This verse was a comfort to Bobbi and me throughout our eight miscarriages.

 

[ii] Though this post is not joyful, it is needed for some man. All quotes with no name designation are from “Miscarriages and Expectant Fathers – How Pregnancy Loss Affects Men” by Hogan Hilling.  “How a Man Handles a Miscarriage” by Marcus Brotherton was also used.

 

 

[iii] Robert Kinker chose these names for their eight heavenly babies as Bobbi was in no condition to take on that task. A friend who’d lost a baby suggested this. (Robert also recorded conception and death dates in his Bible.)Full names were:  Taylor Lee Kinker, Brook Lynn Kinker, Lou Diamond Kinker, Erin McKenzie Kinker, Carroll Reese Kinker, Laurel Hope Kinker, Bailey Glenn Kinker, and Dorian Haley Kinker.

These miscarriages went from June 25 1994 to February 22, 2002. Allena Desiree Kinker, was second in this order as the only live eartly birth with the use of the fertility drug, Clomid.

If you are a man with a miscarriage experience, be willing to share that painful time with another guy who needs it. There is safety and help when we come together. Empathize, and be willing (with the Heavenly Father's help) to be an avenue of healing for some other male. You will never forget this part of you. Do you ever want to forget this child (or children) of yours? Time will help to make the remembering of it less painful.