The number of grandparents raising
grandchildren (grandfamilies) in the U.S. has been rising. Some of this is due
to the population increase of older adults, but a lot has to do with poverty,
substance abuse, the death of a grandchild’s parent, and extended military
deployment. Many of today’s grandparent
caregivers
(sometimes great-grandparent caregivers) find themselves forced to cut into
their own retirement finances and defer their dreams so they can prioritize the
dreams of their grandchildren.
Often time’s grandparents raising
grandchildren face many challenges that are not easy for them to deal with. Grandparents
raise their grandchildren willingly and happily because they love them. A grandparent’s role
in the family
is important. This is something that parents need to understand. There are many
challenges for grandparents while raising grandchildren mainly because they are
called upon to parent a second time around unexpectedly:
Education concerns-Grandparents, in
order to bring up their grandchildren, may have to find out ways to help children
enroll in school. They would also have to get tutors to help with their
homework, and learn more about special education and individualized education
plans, which might become a burdensome task for them. Grandparents may even
feel out of touch with what’s happening in their grandchildren’s school as the
child care methods have changed considerably since when they were parents.
Family issues-The issue of
grandparents raising some grandchildren may also cause problems with the other
grandchildren in the family who are living with their own parents. This is
because the grandchildren expect their grandparents to be traditional
grandparents, and not act as ‘parents’ to their cousins. Such a situation can
cause rift and bitterness among the grandchildren.
Sometimes it gets
tough for grandparents to manage their grandchildren’s parents, who may make
unexpected visits and impractical promises. Grandparents may also struggle with
trying to protect their grandchildren, while still allowing them to visit or
meet their parents. And this may disappoint grandparents to see their child not
succeed as a parent. It helps a great deal if grandparents manage to create a family
bonding time
to convey to everyone else in the family about why and what they are doing to
clear off air of confusion or misunderstanding.
Financial constraints-The bringing up of
grandchildren by their grandparents is not an easy task where finances are
concerned (if they later have to do it completely on their own). This is
because grandparents may be living on a fixed income or have no additional
source of income to support the extra expenses involved.
Grandparents may not
be able to afford additional costs associated with raising a child like health
care, insurance, child-care, and providing for the main requirements of the
child. Some of them may have to quit their jobs, make financial sacrifices, or
cut back on work hours.
Health problems-Becoming a parent
again can be overwhelming for grandparents raising their grandchildren. They
may not feel that they can keep up with their grandchildren due to health
concerns or because the children are very active. Grandparents are generally
old and could have chronic conditions warranting help with chores at home, and
may find it tough to keep up with young children.
Due to the task of
raising their grandchildren, some grandparents experience health problems like
hypertension, depression, insomnia, and back or stomach problems. Grandparents
need to take care of themselves by taking care of their health and wellness so
that they are well enough to take care of their grandchildren.
Housing issues-Many grandparents
who are raising grandchildren often don’t live in houses with all the required
facilities. Most of them live in small senior apartments, which neither has
room for children (nor allow children). Those who do permit children have room
that may require other furnishings and beds. Some grandparents who have to
raise their grandchildren choose to downsize to smaller houses with limited
space in their homes in order to create facilities for their grandchildren.
Legal hassles-When grandparents
take the custody of the grandchildren, then getting hold of their birth
certificates and other documents, and going to the court for adoption or to get
guardianship can be a long, frustrating, and expensive process.
Mental stress-Grandparents who are raising grandchildren
often deal with feelings of guilt and resentment towards their own grown-up
child for being the cause of the disgraceful state of their grandchildren. Most
grandparents are not well prepared to handle the anger, grief, and sadness, nor
are they able to handle their emotional reactions about what has happened. They
feel bad for their grandchildren and children if the grandchildren experience
trauma and pain.
Sometimes the
grandchildren act out because they don’t understand the reason for not being
able to live with their parents. This often leads to behavioral problems of
grandchildren that grandparents have to deal with, causing the last mental
stress. Join support groups if you feel anger,
shame or disappointment towards your grandchildren’s parents, so that you don’t
take it all out on your grandchildren.
Social isolation-Grandparents who are
raising their grandchildren often do not find time for themselves due to the
tight parenting schedules. Neither are they left with enough time for other
family members and friends nor are they able to take part in church and
community activities. Find a trusted childcare center, babysitter, or a friend
to take over so that you can socialize and move out when you wish to. Being
with friends and family, and reading online magazines or other resources can
help keep away depression and stress.
Below are useful helps for all grandfamilies:
Acknowledge your feelings-The prospect of
raising grandchildren is bound to trigger a range of emotions. Positive
emotions, like the love you feel for your grandchildren, the joy in seeing them
learn and grow, and relief at giving them a stable environment, are easy to
acknowledge. It’s more difficult to admit to feelings such as resentment,
guilt, or fear. It’s important to acknowledge and accept what you’re feeling,
both positive and negative. Don’t beat yourself up over your doubts and
misgivings.
It’s only natural to
feel some apprehension about childrearing at a time when you expected your
responsibilities to be diminishing. These feelings don’t mean that you don’t
love your grandchildren. If you’ve been used to the occasional visit from a
grandchild, being a parent again full-time can feel stressful and overwhelming.
You may worry about how you will handle the additional responsibilities and
what will happen to the grandchildren if something happens to you. You may feel
anger or resentment toward the grandchild’s parents for leaving you with the
responsibility of caring for their child. You might be resentful of other
friends who are enjoying the retirement you once envisioned. Guilt – You may
feel guilty and responsible for your child’s failures as a parent,
second-guessing and regretting your own mistakes when you were first parenting.
There are many losses
that come with taking in your grandchildren, including the loss of your independence
and the easier role of “grandparent,” rather than the primary caregiver. You
may also be grieving for your
child
and the difficulties that have led to this situation. Remember that while you
may not have the energy you did when you were younger, you do have the wisdom
that only comes with experience—an advantage that can make a huge difference in
your grandchild’s life. Unlike first-time parents, you’ve done this before and
learned from your mistakes. Don’t underestimate what you have to offer!
Encourage contact with parents-It is not always
possible for children to remain in contact with their parents, and at times, it
may not be in a child’s best interest. But in general, it is healthy for your
grandchildren to maintain relationships with their parents especially if they
may live with them again. If meeting in person isn’t possible, you can
encourage contact in other ways, including phone calls, video chats, cards and
letters, and email (unless the parents are deceased).
Try to set aside any
feelings of anger or disappointment you have toward your grandchild’s parent.
Avoid venting issues or saying critical things about the parent in front of
your grandchild. And don’t make your grandchild feel guilty about spending time
with their parent. This can be confusing and distressing for the child. Do what
you can to smooth the relationship and make the parent feel a part of the
child’s life. Share information about the child’s school, hobbies, and friends.
Make sure the parent
has the child’s schedule and contact information. Contact with parents will be
less stressful for children if they know what to expect. If possible, plan
visits well in advance and put them on a regular schedule.
Talk with the parent
ahead of time so everyone’s expectations for the visit are clear. It’s best if
both parents and grandparents enforce the same rules. It’s important to talk
with your grandchild about how they feel about parental contact. Even when children
are looking forward to a visit or call, it can bring up many feelings,
including uncertainty and nervousness. Children may worry that their parent doesn’t
love them anymore, or that they won’t have anything to talk about. Be there to
reassure them.
Help your grandchild deal with disappointment.
Sometimes, visits don’t go well or the parent doesn’t show up. Vent to a friend
if you need to, but avoid the temptation to say angry or hurtful things about
the parent in front of your grandchild, as this won’t make him or her feel
better. Instead, talk with your grandchild about what happened and how they
feel about it.
Encourage open and honest
communication-It’s
especially important to take the time to really listen to your grandchildren.
In this difficult time, they need an adult they can go to with their questions,
concerns, and feelings. Plan regular times when you sit and talk to each other,
free from TV, phones, games, and other distractions. Encourage your
grandchildren to talk about their feelings, both good and bad. Try to listen
without judging or dismissing their feelings. Help your grandchildren learn to
identify their emotions. For example, if your grandchild seems upset, you might
say, “You look sad. Is something bothering you?”
Young children may
not be able to verbalize how they feel, but will express themselves through
their play. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” You don’t have to have an answer
for everything. If you don’t know when mommy’s coming home, for example, be
honest about it. Don’t evade the question or lie. When deciding what to tell
your grandchildren about the situation, it’s important to consider their age
and developmental skills. Many children are simply too young to understand the
whole story. When grandparents tell a young child all of the details of the
situation, they may create more harm than good. Too much information can be
confusing, scary, and overwhelming for the child. Children are smart.
They will pick up
tidbits about their situation, even if the details are not discussed directly.
If children learn about what’s going on from someone else, they could feel
hurt, deceived, and confused. They may avoid asking you questions or talking to
you about other important concerns because they think certain topics are “off
limits.” Even very young children know the difference between the truth and a
lie. They often piece together information, but then are afraid to talk about the
truth. Some people may twist the facts in an effort to protect the child. That
approach often backfires.
When children are
told untruths about a situation, they may become very confused, angry, and
hurt. The best strategy is to be honest with your grandchildren at their level
of understanding. Your grandchildren will learn the importance of trust and
honesty in relationships.
Focus on creating a stable
environment-While
it will take your grandchildren time to adjust to their new living arrangement,
there are steps you can take to make the transition easier. Above all, your
grandchildren need to feel secure. Children thrive in an environment that is
stable and predictable. Routines and schedules help make a child’s world feel
safe. Set a schedule for mealtimes and bedtimes. Create special rituals that
you and your grandchildren can share on weekends or when getting ready for bed.
Let your grandchildren
help pack and move in their belongings to the extent that they’re able for
their age. Encourage them to decorate their new room and arrange it as they’d
like. Having some control will make the adjustment easier. Set clear,
age-appropriate house rules and enforce them consistently. Children feel more
secure when they know what to expect. Loving boundaries tell the child that he
or she is safe and protected.
If grandchildren are
sharing a bedroom, get creative: use a divider to partition off a private area
in a bigger room, erect a playhouse in the backyard, or set up a tent in the
family room. Offer your time and attention. You can be a consistent, reassuring
presence for your grandchildren. Try to make time to interact with them at the
beginning of the day, when they come home from school, and before bed.
Realize your grandchildren will
have mixed feelings too-Moving
to a new home is never easy even in the best of circumstances. When children
are dealing with the loss of regular contact with their parent or parents, the
move is even harder. It will take some time for your grandchildren to adjust,
and in the meantime, they may act especially contrary and difficult. Your grandchildren’
feelings may come out in many ways, including behavior. They may lash out with aggressive or
inappropriate behavior, or they may withdraw and push you away. And if the
children have suffered from emotional neglect, trauma, or abuse, those
wounds will not disappear just because they are now in a safe place.
They will need time
to heal. Your grandchildren may resent being separated from their parent and
wish to return even if their home situation was dangerous or abusive. Don’t
take this personally. The parent-child bond is powerful. Even if the children
are old enough to understand that they’re better off with you, they will still
miss their parent and struggle with feelings of abandonment. No matter their
behavior, your grandchildren need your comfort and support. If you start to get
angry or upset, put yourself in their head. Picture what they’ve been through,
and the confusion, mistrust, and fear they’re probably feeling.
Remember that
children often act out in a safe place. While it may feel like your
grandchildren don’t love or appreciate you sometimes, their behavior actually
means they feel safe enough to express frightening emotions. When grandchildren
first arrive, they may be on their best behavior. Don’t be too discouraged if,
after a brief “honeymoon” phase, they start to act out. This doesn’t
necessarily mean you’re doing a bad job. As mentioned previously, this can be a
sign that they finally feel secure enough to vent their true feelings.
Take care of yourself-You probably weren’t
expecting to be raising children again at this stage in your life. At times,
the physical, emotional, and financial demands may feel overwhelming. When
you’re preoccupied with the daily demands of raising grandchildren, it’s easy
to let your own needs fall by the wayside. Taking care of you is a necessity
not a luxury. You can’t be a good caretaker when you’re overwhelmed, exhausted,
and emotionally depleted. In order to keep up with your grandchildren, you need
to be calm, centered, and focused.
If you don’t take
care of your health, you won’t be able to take care of your grandchildren,
either. Make it a priority to eat nutritious meals, exercise regularly, and get adequate sleep. Don’t let doctor’s
appointments or medication refills slide. Carving out time for rest and
relaxation is essential to avoid burnout and depression. Use your “me time” to
really nurture yourself. Rather than zoning out in front of the TV (which won’t
revive you), choose activities that
trigger the relaxation response, such as deep breathing, yoga, or
meditation. Children are smarter and more capable than we often give them
credit for. Even young children can pick up after themselves and help out
around the house. Helping out will also make your grandchildren feel good. Find
someone you can talk to about what you’re going through.
This will give you a
chance to work through your feelings and reach an acceptance of the situation.
If you deny or ignore these feelings, they will come out in other ways and may
affect your relationship with your grandchildren. Even if you feel like you are
from a different generation, the joys and tribulations of raising children can
quickly form common bonds. It may take time, but forging friendships with parents of
similar aged children can offer camaraderie and help on navigating the maze of
issues facing children today.
“They say genes skip generations.
Maybe that’s why grandparents find their grandchildren so likeable.” (Joan
McIntosh)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Grandparents Raising Grandchildren” by HelpGuide
·
“How This Law Will Help Grandparents Raising Grandkids” By Donna Butts
“How This Law Will Help Grandparents Raising Grandkids” By Donna Butts
·
“Problems of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren” by Geriatric Nursing
·
“What Challenges Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Face” by Harleena Singh
This topic was suggested
by my wife.
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