Margaret Atwood said, “If
you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” This especially is true of a backhanded compliment. It is a subtle
and brutal communication tool that blurs the line between an insult and a
compliment. Oftentimes, the receiver can
simply end up feeling confused. Was the comment intended kindly or negatively?
Why say something nice but ruin it with the insulting aspect? Is this person being friendly or not? Backhanded compliments often go undetected. When it makes its presence known, backhanded compliments can be upsetting for those on the receiving end. If you plan on giving someone a compliment today, makes sure it is a legitimate one. Here are the top five backhanded compliments:
·
"Wow, I Didn't
Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations."
Translated: “You are not
qualified for the job, but, good luck anyway.”
·
"You look good for
your age."
Translated: “You are
old.”
·
"Your spouse is so
good looking. Why is he/she with you?"
Translated: “Your spouse
is attractive, but you are a troll.”
·
"Wow, you look really good today."
Translated: “Was I a dried up
hag yesterday?” It should be a compliment, but unless someone says it every day
it is a backhand compliment
·
"You always look
great in your Facebook pictures."
Translated: “How do I look in
real life?”
Some backhanded compliments are mean-spirited while others
are said out of ignorance. It's helpful to consider the person's intentions
before choosing what to say in response. Here are five helpful ways to respond
to a backhanded compliment:
Ignore it.
Staying silent doesn't mean you're letting yourself be
pushed around. In fact, saying nothing at all can be one of the best ways
to avoid giving away your power. It sends a message that says, "I
don't value your opinion enough to justify it with a response." Silence
also avoids arguments.
When to use it: It's a good tactic to use when you know someone
is trying to get your attention. If your child
says, "Thanks for taking me to the park today. It's about time you took me
to do something fun," don't take the bait.
Say "thank you."
There's no need to justify your choices when someone insults
you, especially if your response isn't likely to help the situation. Instead
of getting into a debate about why the comment is hurtful,
respond with a simple thank you. This is sometimes the best way
to move forward.
When to use it: This approach is especially appropriate when people
give a backhanded compliment out of ignorance. When Grandma says, "I'm
glad you got a job in real estate. That computer stuff you were doing from home
wasn't a real job," a simple, "thank you," could be the best way
to respond.
Acknowledge the positive portion.
Feedback and criticism can be essential to improving your
performance, but sugarcoating an insult with a compliment usually isn't
constructive. Acknowledge the positive portion of a backhanded compliment to
show that passive-aggressive
communication isn't effective.
When to use it: When your boss says, "You were so productive
today! It's too bad you didn't do this last week when I could have used your
help even more," simply respond by saying, "Thank you for noticing my
hard work today."
Address the insult head-on.
Backhanded compliments can damage relationships, so
sometimes it's best to address the issue in a direct manner. If you don't
do this, the snarky comments can continue and cause a relationship
to deteriorate. If you don't want a hurtful comment to get in the way of
your relationship, speak up.
When to use it: If your friend says, "Those pants look
great on you. They hide your belly nicely," respond by speaking directly:
"I'm glad you like these pants, but the comment about my stomach is
hurtful." If you are too stunned to speak when you receive a
backhanded compliment, you can address the issue at a later time.
Keep your sense of humor.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not take
yourself—or someone's backhanded compliment—too seriously. The person who gives
it may not know how to deal with their emotions, or they might be trying
to intentionally hurt you. Respond with a little humor and
avoid getting unpleasant.
When to use it: A co-worker who says, "Congratulations on that
promotion. Perhaps now you won't be so irritable all of the time," is
probably envious of your
success. A good response might be, "It sounds like you'll be happy to see
me go."
“I will tell you that when I was heavy,
people would say to me - and it was such a backhanded compliment - they would
say, 'You've got such a beautiful face,' in the way of, like, 'Oh, isn't it a
shame that from the neck down you're questionable’.” (Kate Winslet) [i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 Ways to Answer a Backhanded Compliment” by Amy Morin
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