Whether you are married or not, a relationship
shouldn’t have to include sleeping on the couch, ear plugs, sleeping pills or a
glass of wine before bed. But when that relationship includes a snoring
partner, you’ll do anything to in effort to get a good night’s sleep. A sleep divorce is
the idea that as a couple you spend your waking hours doing whatever it is you
normally do then come bedtime you kiss goodnight and go to separate bedrooms.
According to a survey
from Slumber Cloud, 12 percent of American couples
have filed for a sleep divorce, and 30 percent have discussed it. According to
a survey
from Slumber Cloud, 12 percent of American couples
have filed for a sleep divorce, and 30 percent have discussed it.
The Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention
recommends most adults get at least seven hours of sleep per night, and missing
out can drive a wedge between you and your partner as well as impact your
health. A 2016 study
found that sleep issues and relationship problems tend to occur simultaneously,
and another 2013 study
adds that when one partner gets a poor night’s sleep due to the other’s
nighttime disturbances it results in conflict the next day.
As a couple, if you enjoy sleeping together and can do so without one party disrupting the other's
sleep, then that is a great outcome. However, it doesn't mean that your
relationship is better than a couple who sleeps separately. Hundreds of
thousands of couples are heading to separate rooms each night and enjoying a
full life, and great relationships, because they get a good night's sleep each
night. Below are reasons why a sleep divorce could be just what the doctor
ordered:
Sleep problems are affecting your (or your partner’s)
health. Interrupted
sleep can have serious effects on your health. For example, if you’re battling
a serious illness, good sleep can make all the difference. In these cases, your
health (or your partner’s) takes priority. Remember to revisit the issue of
sleeping together when you’re well again.
Sleep problems are hurting your relationship. When one or both partners aren’t
sleeping well, their relationship tends to suffer. The tension can be
particularly high when one partner is causing
the other’s sleep difficulties, like because of loud snoring. A vicious cycle
can ensue in which worse relationship quality leads to further sleep problems,
more problems in your relationship, and so forth. The concern about loss of
intimacy through not sharing a bed may be dwarfed by the obvious problems the
sleep difficulties are causing. In these situations, sleeping separately can
actually increase relationship satisfaction.
You or your partner needs to sleep through the night for
safety reasons. Consistently
interrupted sleep can lead to excessive daytime sleepiness, which is a serious
safety concern during activities like driving. In these cases, the partners
might arrange “sleep separations” on critical nights. For example, a couple
with a baby in which the mother is a commercial pilot might decide that the
father will be on baby duty the nights before his wife has to fly; she’ll sleep
in the downstairs bedroom with a white noise machine so she’s not woken up when
their baby cries. They may switch places when she has a day off and he’ll be
driving long distance the next day.
You’re on very different schedules. Couples who go to bed hours apart
often wake each other up. For example, one partner might go to bed at 9:00 pm
and get up at 5:00 am; her partner will disturb her sleep when he comes to bed
at 1:00 am, and she’ll disturb his when she gets up at 5:00 am.
Your relationship is strong enough to handle it. If you and your partner generally
enjoy each other’s company and are satisfied with your relationship, there’s a
better chance that you can maintain closeness and sexual intimacy even if you
sleep apart. You can apply your shared problem solving abilities to navigate
the “break-up,” and even use it to build, rather than weaken, your
relationship. Of course, in some cases a sleep divorce might indicate a deeper
problem in the relationship, such as drifting apart or unexpressed resentment.
Before opting for a sleep divorce, have an honest discussion with your partner
about whether there are any issues that you need to address—possibly with the
help of a couples therapist.
“It might be an idea to do sleep ‘date nights’ at weekends,
so you still get to fall asleep with your partner on the odd occasion.” (Amy
Lewis)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5
Signs You’re Headed Towards Sleep Divorce” by Advent
·
“The 3 Key
Signs You Need A Sleep Divorce – And How to Get It Right” by Amy
Lewis
·
“5 Signs a 'Sleep Divorce' Might Be Right for You” BY Seth J. Gillihan
“Here's How a "Sleep Divorce" Can Improve
Your Relationship”
·
By
Lizz Schumer
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